March 16, 2015

St. Patty's Eve

It is the day before St. Patrick's Day, a day for rest, a day to remember the lyrics to all of those Irish tunes you only hear once a year, and for me, jury duty.....remember that luck of the Irish thing?.....

In a Donegal trial, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. O’Reilly, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Sean. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. O’Reilly, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known James since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire county, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, you’ll both be found in contempt and serve 10 years."


An American lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that he can certainly outwit this common man from the countryside and entertain himself...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.

“I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00” he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Internet. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500.00

The Irishman pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.


The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink.  But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
            "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
            "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
            "And why not?"
            "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

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