Day 9

A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.

The preacher continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

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Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.  He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

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One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.

Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed. "I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

Day 8

This is the last chance warm up weekend!  Try on your green to make sure it hasn’t shrunk from last year.  And go have a few pints somewhere to reintroduce yourself to your favorite Irish bartended just in case you don’t visit him/her regularly.  You don’t want to look like one of those amateurs on the 17^th……. J

An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..

As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave.. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole.. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep..

A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site.. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up..

"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..

He got out...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

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Murphy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whiskey please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."

"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later Murphy shouts, "Another whiskey for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"

Murphy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later though Murphy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whiskey for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marveling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs Murphy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

Day 7

Paddy, a pick pocket, was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Murphy you are hereby fined $100." His lawyer was his brother Sean who stood up and said "Thanks, yer honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."  O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

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"The most important thing to remember about drunks is that drunks are far more intelligent than non-drunks. They spend a lot of time talking in pubs, unlike workaholics who concentrate on their careers and ambitions, who never develop their higher spiritual values, who never explore the insides of their head like a drunk does."
- Shane MacGowen, lead singer/songwriter for The Pogues.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
            Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Day 6

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was in a pub on Saturday night.

I had a few.... I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"

Then the lights went out....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot.  The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot.  Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bull would eat good grass.  The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't.  The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug.  The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

Day 5

Murphy, O'Brien & Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says,
"I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything.'"
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Little Ryan had spilled the ink all over the classroom floor.  The teacher came down and stood looking sternly at him.  “Ryan,” she said, “If you spilled something at home, what would your mother do?”  Ryan said, “Well, she wouldn’t just stand there like you, looking at it, she’d clean it up.”

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"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," she said.

"How many," he asked, "are you going to marry?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bartender to Flanagan:  “Your glass is empty sir, would you like another?  Flanagan said, “Now just why would I be wanting two empty glasses?”

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Mrs. Fitzpatrick was boasting to Mrs. O’Reilly about the extent of her wardrobe. “Whenever I’m in the dumps, I get myself a new hat.” Mrs. O’Reilly said, “I was wondering where you got them.”

Day 4 - First Monday

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
            "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
            The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.
            "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."

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O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out.  At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read.  One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. 
            At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang.  It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien.  She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no.  Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted.  "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. 
            Father Murphy said, "Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly.  It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped.  Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me.  I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?' And he dropped the darned thing and ran."

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Day 3 - Parade Day in Orlando

Those of us in the Orlando area are subject to the whims of the government of Winter Park for our annual St. Patrick's Day parade. And if you leave it up to the government, they will find some way to mess it up.  So our biggest parade in celebration of the Irish is on March 3rd, 14 days before the High Holy Day.  Rather than complain, let's use this as a fine reason to begin the celebrating early!

A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar.

The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn,and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. "

"Well " said the bartended "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? "

"Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"

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A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

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A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
            "Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
            "Who were the five?" asked a listener.
            "Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
            "But you said there were five and you count only four."
            "Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

Day 2 - 2013

Stories of the Irish working class....


O’Brien aspired to be an accountant, so he went down to take the Irish accountancy exam.
The examiner asked him, “If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”
O’Brien replied, “five.”
The examiner answered, “Five? No, now listen to me carefully once again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?”
Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”
The examiner was beginning to get flustered, so he said, “Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer do you have?”
“Four,” answered O’Brien.
“Good!” said the examiner. “Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”
Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”
Exasperated, the examiner pleaded, “How on earth do you figure that two lots of two rabbits equals five?”
Said O‘Brien, “I already have one rabbit at home.”

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O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. 

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, 
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?' 

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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A woman from Co. Kerry hired three men to move her furniture. When she saw two of them struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the third fellow was. “Oh, he’s in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling!”

Slainte!

Happy St. Paddy's Month - 2013

So what could be more uplifting and humorous than a few stories about a tradition in Ireland that is an occasion of drinking, story telling, and exaggeration? Let’s begin with stories of Irish Wakes! J

The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects.  Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.

A few stories and drinks into the wake, two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"

Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea! "

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray! "

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Poor Paddy was found dead, lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn.

Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard. Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.

Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!

They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”

They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor man actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was.

They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."

Slainte!

50 Days!

There are only 50 Days until St. Patty's!!

Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A US police officer was on exchange in County Tipperary in Ireland with the Garda as part of a new law enforcement program between the two countries. One day the sergeant informed him they’d be stopping cars looking for suspicious characters.

The day was going along with nothing to report until an older man pulled up in a small Ford van. He seemed agitated and the American officer was immediately suspicious.

“Where are you travelling to today?” asked the officer. The older man angrily mumbled something the officer couldn’t understand and tightened his hands on the wheel. The alarm bells went off in the officer’s head and he reached for his baton, backing away from the car and saying,

“Sir, I can’t understand you – could you please step out of the vehicle.” At this the man became quite angry and turned to the officer, yelling at him,

“I SAID I’ve just come from KILLING A MAN and now I’m off to KILL A BOY!! Now feck off and let me on with me business!!”

The officer immediately arrested the older man on suspicion of murder and brought him in for questioning. Instead of the praise he expected, the Irish garda sergeant uncuffed the suspect as soon as he saw him and, after just a few words, let him go with an apology before sternly taking the American officer aside.

“That man is Paddy O’Loughlin,” said the sergeant, “he’s well known to ourselves, runs a local delivery business – he’s harmless.”

“But – what about his confession to murder?!” protested the yankee officer. The sergeant hefted a tired sigh.

“Paddy might not be a very polite man – and he shouldn’t have yelled at you – but you really need to learn the names of the local areas here.” The sergeant then pointed to a map on the wall where the American saw his mistake.  The American officer had stopped Paddy directly on his daily route between Kilnaman and Killaboy, County Tipperary.

In the mood....

A band is coming to Orlando this Thursday, playing at The Plaza.  From what I've heard, they are just the thing to get on in the mood for the Irish season.  They are named Gaelic Storm:

Merry Christmas, from our home to yours!

Election Memories

Someone asked me today about election memories and I thought back to my first election, which was actually in 1973.  It wasn't a presidential election, a simple off-year day at the polls, but it was my first time to vote and that was very special.

My dad was the Republican Committeeman and I was helping him at the polls.  We voted in the basement of the Democratic Committeeman's house and it was the friendliest adversary I had ever met.  It was a cold, cloudy, November day in Philadelphia and my job was to answer questions about the candidates and just be a runner for my Dad and his Democrat counterpart.  I knocked on some doors and went with my Dad to pick up some of the older citizens to bring them to the polls. Republicans and Democrats rode in the back of my Dad's car for the short drive to the polling place.  At one point I did not accompany my Dad on the ride as he needed the additional room in the car.  It was really cold at this point and I learned from the Democrat how to survive these long election days as he brought a bottle of Wild Turkey down from his living room to help keep us warm.  I was only 18, and while it was not my first drink, it was my first shot of good whiskey. It did the trick and warmed me enough to keep a smile on my face until the polls closed at 8:00.

I long for the days when the two parties can enjoy an election day together.  I'm not sure that it can ever happen....

Election Season

Some humor for the election season:

They were friendly enemies. Both were pub keepers. And they never missed a chance to put something over on one another. Came election time and Mike was trying to get Pat to vote for him for alderman. "I wouldn't vote for you if you were St. Peter himself," 

Pat announced. Mike said, "If I were St. Peter you wouldn't be in my ward!"

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The Garda, a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.
"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.
"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"
"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.
"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.
"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing.
"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."

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An Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet and says 'I think my goldfish is epileptic.'

The vet looks and says 'He looks fine to me.'

The Irishman replies 'Hang on, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet!!'

200 Days

Only 200 Days until St. Patty's Day!

One day Miss Murphy, the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. 

She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling!" 
The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?" 

Young Liam raised his hand and said, "I think he said, "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!" 

Miss Murphy called recess as she was unable to teach for the next 20 minutes....

Irish Dating Tips

I came across this article at Irishcentral.com and had to share.....


The language of love can very, very easily get lost in translation. What may be perfectly acceptable when dating in Ireland can warrant a well-aimed slap in the face in the U.S. Remember: it was America that invented “dating.” It’s not an Irish concept – but one that has been imported from across the Atlantic. And even though it’s an American import, the rules for dating in the U.S. differ vastly in many ways than the rules for dating in Ireland.
As such, this brief guide is intended for the Irish male who finds himself at a loss at what to do when dating an American girl. (We at Irishcentral.com take no responsibility for possible assaults, drinks over the head, etc. that can happen in the application of this guide. Use at your own risk!)

1. Try not to get too drunk

This especially applies when you are on a first date. Although Irish girls are often fairly unimpressed at the sight of their date slurring his words and talking to inanimate objects, in many cases, it is the Irish girl who is even more drunk than her partner for the evening, so this problem can be avoided, and the Irish male doesn’t have to be as careful in not getting too hammered. In general, however, American girls drink far, far less than Irish girls. And they can get pretty disgusted at the sight of their date making a total fool of himself. This rule is probably the most critical in this guide – but is one that the Irish male typically grapples with the most. Remember: Americans often go on dates that are non-alcohol related – which can involve things such as “cups of coffee” and not going to the pub. The standard response from the Irish male to this activity in this situation might be: But where will my confidence come from? It must come from within. When the date does take place in a pub or bar, the Irish male should take care to remember that the graph showing the relationship between pints and charm looks like this: it goes upwards initially, levels off after about three or four, and then at about six pints it takes a dramatic nosedive. In other words, it usually takes about six drinks before charm turns into sleaze.

2. Pay for everything

The U.S. may be the birthplace of the modern feminist movement, but when it comes to picking up the tab for drinks and dinner, American females are thoroughly old-fashioned. American girls will inevitably expect you to at least offer to pay for dinner, and if you do offer, most will gladly accept. The same goes for drinks. If you are on a first date, and you don’t offer to foot the bill, don’t expect a second. It doesn’t matter that she is better educated than you, earns more than you and is likely to outlive you. She'll still expect you to pay. That’s just how it is. 

3. Play up the accent

If you have a fairly neutral Irish accent, then scrap it quickly – you won’t sound very “Irish” to the American girl you are trying to impress. Go and watch “Darby O’Gill and the Little People,” and try to talk like some of the characters in that movie. Sure, you won’t sound genuinely Irish – simply because no one in Ireland talks like that – but the girl you are on a date with won’t know that, and probably thinks that everyone in Ireland talks like Sean Connery in the 1959 classic. Throw in a few Irish expressions here and there – even ones we don’t really use, like, “To be sure, To be sure.” Add a few more that you know the girl won’t understand, thus making her curious, playing up your Irishness and impressing her. 

4. Think of non-alcohol related date activities

Be creative in where you take her. Remember (as per point one) that Americans are not nearly as pub-centric as Irish people and don’t need alcohol at every social occasion. Take her to an art exhibition and impress her with your knowledge of the early modernist period… 

5. Be chivalrous

You don’t have to put your coat over a puddle of water on the sidewalk so she doesn’t wet her shoes, but you do have to hold doors open, pay for drinks (see point two), pull out her chair and so on. As a rule, you can’t go wrong with chivalry with American women.

6. Try not to talk about your mother

Yes, it is hard being away from home and yes, no one makes bacon and cabbage like your mother can, but try to keep these details to yourself. If you go on too much about your mother, you will reconfirm a stereotype that your date probably already has about Irish guys and their mammies. So keep the mum discussion to a minimum. On the other hand, your date may be relieved to hear that your mother has no interest in being her new best friend.

7. Make vague references to a troubled past

Some Americans have a romantic idea of Irish people as inherently troubled. This may make you seem more attractive in the eyes of the American you are pursuing, so play this up. If you had quite an idyllic childhood, then fabricate. Come out with lines like: "I remember the day the soldiers came to the village...They took every last man, woman and child...The screams, I still hear the screams...” before gazing away sadly into the distance. Refuse to elaborate, adding to your mystique. 

8. Don't forget where you are from

Your true Irish character might frighten them, but that’s okay. You do not need to pretend you are the personality that they would imagine an Irish person to be. Let your bitterness, begrudgery and downto- earthiness shine. You might lose her, but you will still be YOU.

Break Even Analysis

With the price of gas about to move through the $4 mark, a simple drive to take the kids to a meeting needs to be evaluated. So today, there was the 15 mile drive to take one of the boys to a school event.  It would last 2 hours and I had a few options:  I could stay and enjoy the historical presentation of the Oregon Trail, I could drive home and come back in 2 hours, or I could spent my time wisely in a nearby location.


I have no desire to ever hike the Oregon Trail, nor do I particularly care to learn more about it than I did thirty-some years ago in high school. So should I stay or should I go?  The drive home and back would burn an extra 2 gallons of gas in traffic, providing me with my baseline for the $8 break even analysis.  And my target of opportunity was right there, across the street, with a beautiful window adorned with the name Connolly's. I have been here before, it is a fine local establishment that shared the culture and history of my ancestors and had nice old pictures on the walls.  Pints of Guinness were $3.75.....  So historical enrichment wins out - Connolly's it is.


Now that got me to pondering..... If I owned a Prius or other "green" vehicle, it would have been a no-brainer to drive home and come back in a couple of hours.  Probably would have no even needed to use gas the whole ride and I could have silently rolled along the surface roads.  So that lead me to the conclusion that once again these types of vehicles are bad for the economy as the $8 would not go to a gas station, or to the pub but would have just ended up being put towards my tax bill......


Cheers!

March the 17th..... Sleep the 18th....

I hope everyone had a wonderful day and evening. Meself, well my plans went quickly awry as I had every intention of being home shortly after dark to share a wee dram with me brothers across the miles.... But, Providence intervened...or was her name Diane, anyway, and Irish damsel in distress required my undivided attention, and my chivalrous nature would not permit me to refuse. So here it is, the wee hours of the morning.....and I will be needing to awake soon to tend to my boys...and the rest of the day will require penance, sacrifice, and possibly the hair of the dog....

So apologies to my brothers and friends who might have been expecting me. And to Providence....thank you for a wonderful night. ;)

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four.....

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, one and all. I hope you have enjoyed a smile, a grin, or maybe even a laugh out loud during these 17 days. Many of these jokes are old classics and a few are new, but hopefully they all do what the Irish try to do, bring a little joy at our expense.

Enjoy the day and all the festivities. I’ll be sharing a few pints with some friends at Liam’s in Lake Mary and if you have an inkling, please come out and join me.

Slainte

Officer O’Brien came across a crowd of people looking up at a man standing on a ledge.
“Don’t jump!” implored O’Brien. “Think of yer children.”
“I don’t have any children,” replied the man.
“Then think of yer wife.”
“I’m not married,” was the reply.
“Think of yer parents then lad.”
“I haven’t any parents.”
“Why then think of St. Patrick!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump ya bastard!!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was Christmas and the mood was festive. All the world put on a happy face and joy was the norm. Well, at least for most people. Not, unfortunately, for Brendan Quinn, a man of heavy heart, and no wonder. In the scramble to enjoy every minute of holiday, he'd hit the pub at 100 mph and before knowing it, had bought the world and his wife a drink. Suddenly he realised that, Noel or not, he was skint. What made it worse was that he'd not bought the turkey and ham for the Christmas dinner. What to do? How to explain it all to darling Betty? Think quick, Quinn, think quick or die.

As if the almighty were guiding his steps, Brendan found himself outside Daley's butcher's shop and there was Daley's dog. Bing! An idea formed in Brendan's brain and quick as you like he snatched up the dog and raced off to his garden shed. Grabbing his bicycle pump, he shoved the lead into the dog's mouth, gripped its jaws tight and began pumping air. Gradually little by little the dog began to swell. When it was about half as big again as normal he carried it back to Daley the butcher.

'Is this your dog?' he demanded.

'It is,' said Daley. 'But it looks bigger.'

'It certainly is bigger,' snorted Quinn. 'Because it's eaten our Christmas turkey and ham!'

'Many apologies,' spluttered Daley. 'Please let me make it up to you. Help yourself to turkey, ham, sausages and whatever else you want.'

Off skipped Quinn a man literally over the moon with satisfaction, to thoroughly enjoy the festive season.

It was New Year's Eve when he saw Daley again. As he passed the butcher's he noticed the front window smashed and Daley boarding it up.

'What happened?' asked Quinn. 'Burglars? Vandals?'

'No,' answered Daley. 'The strangest thing. I had just repaired a puncture on my bicycle and I got the pump to inflate the tire. The dog took one look at the pump and dived straight through the window!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'

Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

'Will he live?' inquired the boys.

Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'

'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.

'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in this sack can have both of them,' said Murphy.

'Three,' said Ranagan.

'That's near enough,' said Murphy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," said Meagan.

"How many," her father asked, "are you going to marry?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''

''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.

Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"

A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"

Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.

After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.

So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Malley went into McCafferty’s Pub and ordered three pints at one time. The bartender asks O’Malley, “Now, tell me O’Malley, why would you be needin’ three pints all at the same time?”
O’Malley explained that each of his brothers just emigrated overseas, one to Australia and the other to America. “As long as each brother lives,” O’Malley says, “I am going to be buyin’ three at a time, one for me and one for each of my brothers.”
So, each time that O’Malley came into McCafferty’s, he would order three pints at the same time.
This went on for years, until one day, O’Malley pulled himself up onto a barstool at McCafferty’s and ordered only two pints.
“Oh, no,” says the bartender. “Which of your brothers passed on? The one in Australia or the one in America?”
“Oh, it’s not that,” says O’Malley. “Both me brothers are just fine. Me doctor’s makin’ me give up the drink.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father O’Malley was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon young Sean trying to sell a lawnmower.

“Now son, how much ye be wantin’ for the mower?”" asked the good Father.

“Father, I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the priest asked, “Will ye take me bike in trade for it?”

Sean said, “You got a deal, Father!”

Father O’Malley took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. He called the little boy over and said, “I can't get this mower to start.”

The young Irisher said, “That's 'cause ya have to cuss at it to get it started.”

Father O’Malley said, “I'm a man of the Church, and I can't be speakin’ that way. It's been so long that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss.”

Young Sean was happily riding away and looked back at him and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!”

Day 16

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American walks into Murphy’s Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.

Paddy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.

"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks, "If you don't mind my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"

To which Paddy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'

'Hang on, Sister,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgment when you've never tasted the stuff?'

'Very well,' said Sister Marie. ‘I’ll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'

'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'

'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two eighty-year-olds were watching TV.

'Pat, me darling,' said Mary. 'Would you ever do me a favour? Would you go into the kitchen and get me some ice cream out of the freezer?'

'I will,'said Pat.

'Well, shall I write it down for you?' asked Mary. 'Because your memory's not what it was.'

'Don't be daft, woman. I can remember a simple thing like a plate of ice cream,' snorted Pat.

'Yes, but I was thinking of having a little chocolate sauce poured on it, so I'd better write it down.'

'Good God in heaven,' bawled Pat. 'I'm not stupid you know. I can remember ice cream with chocolate sauce.'

'Yes, but do you know those sprinkle decorations. I was thinking of a sprinkling of them on top. I'd better draw a picture,' said Mary.

'You'll do no such thing,' said Pat. 'I can remember ice cream, chocolate sauce and hundreds and thousands. Just hang on a minute.'

Hang on Mary did, one minute, ten, twenty, forty. Eventually, Pat returned carrying a tray. On the tray was a plate. On the plate was an egg, bacon and sausage.

'See, I told you. I should have written everything down,'said Mary.

'Why's that?' asked Pat.