Day 7

The Irish have a love-hate relationship with professionals....the love doctors and they hate lawyers....

The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."
            The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."
            Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."
            "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said,
            "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The doctor said to Flanagan, "The best thing for you to do is to give up drinking and smoking."

Flanagan said, "What's the second best thing?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in down town Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

            He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

            The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Day 6

See you at the parade on Sunday!!  2:00 down Park Ave!!

The Irish family, often with many children, is a source of many stories.....

A Roman Catholic priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass.

"Good mornin', Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church."

"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.

"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great basilica at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."

Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?

"Deed I did , Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.

"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you.

"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Mr.O'Riley. Is he here?

"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole volunteered to take care of their 10 children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. 

At 10:00 the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O’Hanlon. She asked if her son was there. O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted,

"I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Malley's daughter was on her way home from work one night by bus and it was raining heavily.  When she reached her stop, she jumped off the bus and began to run to her house a couple of streets away.  She heard footsteps behind her and, looking around, she saw a man following her.  She reached home, hammered on the door and her mother let her in.

      She said, "Oh, mother, a man ran after me."

      Her mother said, "I know." as the man came in the gate.  "It was your father, he went to meet you with your raincoat and umbrella."

Day 5

Fishing is a big part of Irish life....and there are many Irish fish tales.....


Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. 

The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.  

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.

"Aha!  I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." say Seamus.

So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"

Day 4

In Ireland, there is no subject that escapes the possibility of a humorous story.... not even death....

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.  Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" 

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.  

Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects.  Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.  Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"

Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea! " 

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!" 

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."  

O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Day 3

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy, O'Brien & Casey are sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. 

Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'". 

O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."

Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Day 2

Everyone loves a day at the races.....


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland.  One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race.  He went over and said, "Doping?" 

The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar.  Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?"

The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful.  As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."

So the trainer gave him a piece.

When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill.  Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs.  Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the racetrack. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse, a very long shot, won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th racehorses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. 

Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and won! Mitch was elated.

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch placed his bet—every cent he owned—and watched the horse come in... dead last.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. In the last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I’ve lost my life savings, thanks to you!”

The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with you Protestants... you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.”

Day 1

Happy St. Patty's Month! Let the jokes begin!!

One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.

Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed. "I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..

As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.

A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said.

He got out...

Working from home.....

Every once in a while, I find it advantageous to work from home - the virtual office as it is known. Today was one such day. I had a paper to write, my son was off to work early, so an uninterrupted, productive day was on.

And it was a good day; I got a lot of work done and then 3:00 arrived and my son was home from work.  He was chatty and as a good Dad, I put aside my work to hear of his day. He was moving about quickly as he had a meeting at school to get to.  Talking from bedroom, to bathroom, to kitchen, it was tough to keep up with the topics he was covering - work, music, hockey, things in the house....but one thing I couldn't help but notice was the aromatic fragrances that were emanating from his body.....Axe.....lots and lots of Axe....mixed with sweat....lots and lots of sweat....

He works hard, he's 19, his body produces smells that farm animals would be proud of. And put a bunch of Axe on top of that and ones olfactory senses begin to react like a robot told that Mr. Spoc is lying....can't quite figure it out, but it's not good.....

He was only in the house for about 15 minutes before he ran out the door.  And a few minutes after he left, the Axe smell was gone - but not the wonderful smell of teenage sweat.  And since he seemed to hit every room in the house during his 15 minutes, every room in the house now smells like a hockey equipment bag.

I have a scented candle, supposedly one that smells like banana nut bread.  It is fighting a losing battle and it almost appears that the heaviness of the scent in the air is extinguishing the flame.

It is a cool 55 degrees outside - cool by Florida standards, but I'm thinking that I'm going to have to put on a sweater and open up the doors and windows.  I would love to see the look on the face of his college guidance counselor when he walks into that office....probably going to be a short meeting....

The Trip

As we prepare to embark on our second journey to Ireland, Nancy and I know that many will be following along back home through the wonders of social media.  We will post pictures and updates when we come across a network but if we can't connect.....trust me, we're having a pint for you!!  It is another whirl-wind tour taking in Giant's Causeway, a boat trip to Nancy's Point, the Crab Festival in Galway, the Listowel Racing Festival, Fungie the Dingle Dolphin, the Ring of Kerry, the Rock of Cashel, Waterford, Wexford, Wicklow, and of course, Mooney's Pub in Monasterevan.  Some visits to Bushmill's Tullamore Dew, Guinness, and perhaps a few pubs along the way.  Here's our map if you want to follow along.....  Slainte!

Dating Observer

I am sitting at a bar in suburban Las Vegas, next to an potential couple who are going through the "Meet and Greet" process of online dating. I have been invited into the conversation on a couple of occassions now, which has been humorous to say the least. They are both particularly interested once they found out that I am not only participant in the technology, but a successful participant considering how Nancy and I are enjoying the heck out of life.

The interviewing process is hilarious to say the least. And since the age group is not that far from my own, and they keep turning to me every time one or the other goes to the bathroom with questions about how I think it's going.

I have to admit that I am having a difficult time not laughing at the entire situation, but more than ever it feeds my desire to create a sitcom about online dating...... or at least an hilarious book....

She is a slot machine salesperson.....he is a fireman....she is funny, cute, and divorced a year ago. He is handsome (not nearly as much as I), drops too many F bombs, and "seperated" - which elicited the requisite "WHAT?" from Sandy. Thought that was a deal breaker, but she is letting him recover....

Perhaps Vegas is the perfect location for the sitcom....

The new Love American Style..... :)

Post Mortem

I hope you enjoyed the countdown this year.  Believe it or not, I have a lot more that I didn't share (and believe it or not, you saw the best of them.....)

The Donegal definition of a hangover: "Something occupying a head that wasn't used the night before."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a historic note of great importance.  The English word "Whiskey" comes from the Gaelic "uisce beatha" (pronounced ish-kuh ba-ha) which means "water of life."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy, O'Brien, and Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.

Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man; he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'". 

O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community; he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place." 

Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Until next year......

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

The Irish are a people who are best known for their ability to laugh in the face of adversity. Generous to a fault, they are a people who are more willing to spend their last dollar on a drink for a friend than on their own rent. They are a people who value friendship above all else.

So enjoy all that St. Patrick's Day offers. Kiss an Irishman (or woman) and thank them for your friendship. Sing along with those old songs that get better with each pint of Guinness. Enjoy a taste of Irish whiskey in your coffee and entertain your friends with a story that brings a smile to their face. Hopefully one of these can help with that.....



“Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife nor children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young Roscommon boy and his father, Paddy, were visiting Liffey Valley Shopping Centre for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What's that Da?"

Paddy (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. 

The father quickly turned to his young son and excitedly said "Go get your Ma"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two Gardai, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether they can see a picture of the wife. Paddy replies "of course" and runs back to get their wedding picture.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

Paddy replies "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man escaped from a mental institution in Ballinasloe. He ran until he got to Mullingar, at which point he located a public phone and rang the hospital back in Ballinasloe.

“Hello?” says the receptionist.

“Eh, Hello,” says your man, “Can you tell me is there someone in room number 68?”

“One moment,” says the receptionist, setting down the phone. The man waited anxiously until he heard her returning to the phone. “No sir, I’m sorry – there’s nobody in room 68.”

“HOOORAY!!” he shrieked in delight, “I’VE ESCAPED!!!!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a heavy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the road, a young mother watched her 2 little boys playing in the puddles thru her kitchen window. The older of the 2, five year old Paddy, grabbed his sibling Joe, by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the potholes filled with rain water. As the boy recovered & stood laughing & dripping, the mother ran towards them in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to ur little brother?" she said, as she shook Paddy's shoulder in anger.

"Aye we were just playing church mammy," he said."And I was jus baptizin him, In the name of the father, the son, and in the hole he goes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years.....They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"

Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea!" 

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy walked into the parlor and shouted to the people at the wake, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?" 

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upon seeing his son's black eye Murphy asked him, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?" 

His son shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in." 

"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?" 

"Na, na, Father. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and Father O'Malley nearly fell down when he saw the man. Murphy'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya finally decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with ya Father. Awhile back, I misplaced me hat, and I really, really love that hat. I knew that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

Father O said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head from side to side, "No, Father. It was after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

St. Patrick's Day Eve

God then made man. The Italians for their beauty. The French for their cuisine. The Welsh for their voices. The Germans for their cars. And on and on until He looked at what He had created and said, "This is all very well, but no-one is having fun. I'll have to make an Irishman."

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded Galway waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Really, I’m O’Connor too.  Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county.  I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks out of a house in Belfast.  Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"

The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."

At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before performing a christening in Ireland, Father Reilly approached Seamus and said to him solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are ye prepared for it?”
“I think I am father,” Seamus replied. “My wife has made a big buffet spread and Mrs O’Sullivan has baked biscuits and cakes for all of our guests.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Father Reilly responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”

“To be sure I am,” Seamus replied. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

Day 15

It is a wonderful sunny Saturday here in Central Florida.  A day made for baseball......

Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.

 

Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"

  

A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"

  

Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" 

This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.  After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.

  

So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two friends Sean and Paddy were two of the biggest football fans in Ireland. 

Their entire adult lives, Sean and Paddy discussed football history, and they pored over all the statistics. They went to all of the matches. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was football in heaven.

 

One summer night, Sean passed away in his sleep after watching a Manchester United victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Paddy awoke to the sound of Sean's voice from beyond. 

"Sean, is that you?" Paddy asked. 

"Of course it's me," Sean replied. 

"This is unbelievable!" Paddy exclaimed. "So tell me, is there football in heaven?" 

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" 

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there's football in heaven, Paddy." 

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" 

"You're playing tomorrow night!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile to his lips.

"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly. "Give me just a small bit of that stuff you're cookin."

"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly.  "I'm savin' it for the wake!"

 

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Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

Day 14 - Happy St. Pat's Weekend

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s & had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, & in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea & scones, they began to chat. 

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water & its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him & he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago & I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet & that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

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At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No." 

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No." 

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No." 

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" 

Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

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The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go bring in a veterinary specialist from the next county. 

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye :"My wife is from Scotland."

Day 13

Here are a few stories experiencing the Irish weather......

O'Malley's daughter was on her way home from work one night by bus and it was raining heavily.  When she reached her stop, she jumped off the bus and began to run to her house a couple of streets away.  She heard footsteps behind her and, looking around, she saw a man following her.  She reached home, hammered on the door and her mother let her in.

She said, "Oh, mother, a man ran after me."

Her mother said, "I know." as the man came in the gate.  "It was your father, he went to meet you with your raincoat and umbrella."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day.  The wind was so loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.

“It’s windy,” said one.

“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.

“So am I,” said the third.  “Let’s go and have a drink.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. 

Father Murphy said, “Thank you, but I’m not sure I got it honestly.  It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped.  Then, I say a young fellow coming along with a nice, large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I’d ask him to share it with me. 

I stepped out from the doorway and said, ‘Where are you going with that umbrella?’  And he dropped the darned thing and ran off.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One typically rainy Irish night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy, water dripping down his face who asks the homeowner to give him a push.

 

"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.

 

"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says. "Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks. 

"Because it's 3:30 in the morning and raining like the dickens" the husband yells. 

The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him." 

Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!" 

The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" 

Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!" 

"OVER HERE, BY YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.

Day 12

Dr. Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses.

When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing its psychosomatic form of deafness.  Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.

"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion.

"You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"

"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest. 

Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."

"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."

"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,  "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Day 11

Paddy is stopped by the police around 2 AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

He replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying up late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be me wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"  

Wife: "Yes or no."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. 

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just foine!!"

Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother Liam came over from Cork and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not Liam... he's an idiot!" 
She nervously asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Day 10

Next Monday, if you have not been paying attention, is March 17th, or as a friend of mine refers to it as, the High Holy Day of Irish Americans so make sure you are prepared.  Don't let the holiday rush ruin your shopping....the liquor stores are only going to get more crowded.... 

Today's jokes might be new to some of you....but I doubt it :)

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.  Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. 
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"  
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.  Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." 
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."

Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement.  Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"

"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."