On the 5th day of St. Patty's, the wee folk gave to me......

The thing about Irish jokes, at least good Irish jokes, is that they are close to real life - or at least plausible. I don't much go for the "dumb" jokes as they don't really describe the Irish, they just show our good nature and ability to laugh at ourselves. But be advised that if you persist on sharing your "dumb" Irish jokes, you may stumble across another well documented Irish characteristic, and I don't mean our willingness to buy a round of drinks.....


In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.

"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.

"Next?"

"Two glasses of whiskey."

"Next?"

"One glass of brandy."

"Next?"

"A fight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,

"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."

The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"

Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An 80-year-old Irishmen goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

“I'm Irish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of Whiskey and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Irish golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little whiskey and that's why he's still alive. He's Irish and he's a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Irish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,

'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Day 4

With less than 2 weeks to go, I implore you to get your shopping finished early. Even with the recession we are battling, there is sure to a run on the essential staples of life around this time of year - Irish Whiskey, corned beef, cabbage and tacky green shirts :)



Mrs. Casey had reached the grand age of 104. She was the oldest living being in County Cork. The newspaper sent a reporter to interview the old woman about her longevity.

"Have you ever been bedridden?" asked the newsman.
"Oh, many times," replied Mrs. Casey. "An' once in a canoe, too!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy had just come off the boat into New York and spent the first few days just wandering about the city. One afternoon he walked into a saloon and saw a sign behind tghe bar that read: ALL THE BEER YOU CAN DRINK FOR $1

"Okay, bartender," said Paddy. "Gimme two dollars worth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Callahan was at a pitch of fervor in his sermon on drinking. "What could be worse than drink?" he boomed.
"Thirst!" shouted Hannigan from the rear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," Katie said.
"How many," Murphy asked, "are you going to marry?"

This one is one of the classics.....

Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

Day 3 - Some Irish Quotes

As you may, or may not know, we Irish like to talk a lot. Just to get a feel for the Irish mystique, here are some quotes regarding the Irish:

"We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English."
- Winston Churchill

"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift

"I only drink on two occasions - When I am thirsty and when I'm not thirsty."
- Brendan Behan

"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."
- Sigmund Freud (speaking about the Irish)

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
- Irish Soccer superstar George Best

"I used to go missing quite alot...Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World."
- George Best

"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
- Brendan Behan

"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
- Quentin Crisp

"The most important thing to remember about drunks is that drunks are far more intelligent than non-drunks. They spend a lot of time talking in pubs, unlike workaholics who concentrate on their careers and ambitions, who never develop their higher spiritual values, who never explore the insides of their head like a drunk does."
- Shane MacGowen, lead singer/songwriter for The Pogues.

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bagpipes and called it music."
- source unknown

"Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf."
- Irish saying


Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- Flannery O’Connor, Irish Writer


Of course it wouldn't be a daily joke entry if I didn't provide you with some true Irish jokes. Rather than provide you with more of my archive entries, I want to expose you to the wit, wisdom, and Irish humor of one of the Emerald Isle's best comedians. I point you in the direction of Tommy Tiernan.

And just so you don't feel cheated.......

A woman from Co. Kerry hired three men to move her furniture. When she saw two of them struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the third fellow was. “Oh, he’s in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling!”

Day 2

The first Monday in March is the official warm-up day for St. Patrick's Month. It's time to make sure that your stock of Irish Whiskey is ample. Have you got that all important date lined up for the big day? More importantly, have you got that more important designated driver lined up?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Garda (the Irisher term for the police), a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.

"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.

"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"

"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.

"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.

"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing. "...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly, "Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ritual of the Irish wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. His neighbor Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"

Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea! "

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

Happy St. Patrick's Month 2009

It's Time!! The 2009 edition of the St. Patty's Month build up is happening. You will find some new, many old, some laughers, and some groaners, but hopefully all that depict the Irish Spirit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do hope you will enjoy these next 17 days!!

I Shouldn't Have Laughed

I didn't think.... I thought it was funny and I didn't have my "Yes Dear" shield on. Of course it's my fault......

My lovely wife was reading me an e-mail from the Sierra Club. I had just come home from work and had not yet turned off my rational thought mechanism that I use throughout the day and had yet to activate my silent husband mode. After all, I work with engineers....all kinds of engineers: transportation, architectural, civil, structural, even environmental, but I can always speak freely - and disagreements are typically based on facts. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong, sometimes we just have differences of opinion. It's always cordial and always polite.

But I slipped up and as she read aloud that the Sierra Club was anxious to undo the 8 years of environmental crimes committed by the Bush administration, I laughed, nearly choked on my garlic bread and said, "Congress has been making the laws for the last 8 years, not George Bush...." It was too late....the Redhead with a Cause couldn't believe that I would defend a Republican.

Now it's not like I've been hiding the fact that I'm a Republican from her for all these years. We've been canceling each others votes out forever. And I have no idea why she decided to share with me what the Sierra Club had to offer. Perhaps she thought that some mind-altering message had been transmitted from Washington since the inauguration and that now everyone would agree on everything.

When will I learn? I have to remember to leave my brain in the driveway.....I guess I should look into martinis as my father did, that should help me act less rationally.

Directions

I went to Tampa for work on Monday and used the opportunity to hoist a few beers with Sarg, my college roomate. We met at one of his local watering holes and shared the BS for a while.

The conversation was typical - sports, wives, kids, young girls - and interupted only by the barmaid's discussion of tatoos......
........."Well, I do have one more here," she said, pointing innocently at her hip....."But we can't see that"..... "Oh, I don't mind, I'll show you.....

-And she did!! And the other barmaid had to show us where she had one removed! It took several long hard looks before we were convinced that the 8 laser treatments did the job...All in all it was the perfect cocktail hour for two dirty old men...

But I had to drive back to Orlando so Sarg provided me with directions home.....

....."Come out of the parking lot here into this mess of traffic and turn right at Fowler. Take it to 30th street - you can't miss it, and you'll drive past a few gas stations, a Hooters and....." And I never heard another word.....How could I get lost with such an easy to identify landmark along the way? And I was certain that out in front of Hooters there would be a big sign that said, "Hey Mooney, the Interstate is just up ahead."

It only took me 2 U-turns to finally drive past the Hooters without any idea of what lie ahead - or if this was the specific Hooters that Sarg had in mind. But what the heck, Florida isn't that wide, if I reach water, I just turn around and head back....

I finally relented and asked for directions - from my Blackberry. I found the Interstate and headed home. I was getting hungry though - "Hey look - there's a Hooters up ahead......"

Farmers vs. Bankers

A coworker scheduled an early meeting, and by early I mean at a time before I typically leave to drive into work. So I had to respond with a gentle and humorous explanation......

I break people down into 2 classifications, Farmers and Bankers, based on when they are most productive. Farmers are most productive early in the day, get most of their work done before breakfast, love to get up before the sun and get to the office early - and not just to get a good parking spot.

Bankers, on the other hand, realize that there are all of these farmers out there trying to get everything done real early and that it is dangerous to get in their way. Bankers realize that no matter how early in the day you arrive, you're still going to have to stay late to get the work done. Bankers take late lunches, enjoy cocktails before dinner, are typically night owls, and they get to the office just late enough to get a good parking spot because one of the farmers has already left the office to go to a meeting.

When a friend saw this they told me I was describing Democrats (Farmers) and Republicans........

Dream Series

So it comes down to this.  I have been coaching Little League teams of various ages for 7 years now.  Each year I have insisted that the kids need to be the Rays to support a Florida team.  "You can’t cheer for your dad’s team," I tell them. "You are Florida kids and you need to become fans of Florida teams."  There was always one kid who would ask, "So why do we have to be the Rays (Devil Rays)? Why can’t we be the Marlins?"  My response is always the same, "Because my Dad is a Phillies fan so we can’t be the Marlins."

Now, after all these years, I’ve got 3 of my own boys (and of course, my Florida born wife) cheering against me.  I’ve made contacts in the Rays marketing office who have been kind enough to send my teams equipment and leftover trinkets and giveaways. This past spring they made a significant contribution to our Little League after thieves broke into to our concession stand. This year there is a World Series that will interest my friends and family since so many of them know my plight – a Phillies fan who has been supporting the Rays since their inception. Just who will he root for?

I hope it goes 7 games with long balls, great defense, stolen bases and non-stop excitement.  I hope the media discovers the young ball players and seasoned managers who were overlooked last Spring as the focus remained on the usual suspects.

My living room is adorned with my now deceased dad’s Phillies jersey that he would wear to watch big games.  My kids are dressed in Devil Rays and TB Rays shirts and hats, dissing all of the Red Sox and Yankees fans they go to grade school with.
 
So who am I cheering for? I can honestly say that I will be happy whoever wins. But if it is at all telling, my computer desktop is a Rays logo. The Fall Classic is fun again……

Golfing with My Oldest Son

On the event of my son Eric’s 13th birthday, he expressed a desire to go golfing on a “Real” golf course rather than the Par 3 course we typically visit. It was quite a day and as you might imagine, he was more excited about the opportunity to drive the cart rather than play golf. As we approached the 1st Tee, I mentioned that he could hit from the Red tees as they were the Junior tees. He informed me that Uncle Rich said he should never ever hit from the Red Tees as they were only for girls. Thanks Uncle Rich, at least you didn’t share with him the penalty for not hitting your drive further than the Ladies tee.

During our round at the fine Twin Rivers golf course the 7th hole is an intimidating 175 yard Par 3 over water to an elevated “island” green (It only has water around 3 sides but it is referred to as the island green here). As Eric drove the cart up to the tee box – screeching the tires to a loud and typically Mooney entrance, he looked at the hole and very quietly asked if he could hit from the Red tees on this hole. This would still require him to have a 100 yard carry over the lake. I told him he could hit from the Junior tees at anytime. As we waited for the foursome on the green to finish, the gentleman occupying a sales tent on the tee box came over to tell us of his amazing offer – some discount card that we were not interested in. If we purchased a card we got a sleeve of balls. If we landed on the green, it was half-off the price, yada, yada, yada…..

The guy was a personable as a salesman can be and told Eric that if he made it over the water, he would give Eric a sleeve of balls, no obligation. This put even more pressure on the kid but he was excited to try. In typical Mooney fashion, he lined up his shot, aiming well left of the target. He made sure to keep his head down and began his swing with all of the strength and coordination his body could muster. As the gallery of two looked on the clubhead accelerated towards the ball, his body weight shifted, and the club followed a perfect arc, up through the warm Florida air, helicoptering 40 yards before shattering the quiet with a loud SPLASH! The ball sat atop the tee, untouched and still perfectly dry. The salesman and the young golfer looked at me in horror, wondering what my reaction would be…….And I let out my loudest laugh of a truly hysterical day just in time for another foursome to arrive at the tee box. The salesman gave Eric the sleeve of balls, thanking him for the best laugh he had in a while. Eric was Mooney enough to laugh at himself, take out his 3 Wood and promptly plunk one of his new balls into the drink. Before we left, the salesman asked Eric to pose for a picture than can be seen on his website.

And yes, I did clear the water and chipped up close enough to make par – and of course missed the putt……

Hot and Cold

It was quite a site. Warming and chilling at the same time......

It happened in downtown Orlando. As an over 50 married man, I rarely if ever see the night life of downtown. This occasion was only a return from a basketball game with the kids having parked away from the arena to save a few bucks.

As we made our way towards the car, up ahead I saw something that instantly awakened my libido. There, in the shadows of Pine Street were approaching some very long, shapely legs. These were not run of the mill ordinary limbs. These went on and on and on for what seemed like an eternity. And at the top of these legs were some very attractive torsos, topped by pretty young heads with meticulously arranged coiffures. I would guess that they were in their early 20s.

I don't know if they were very tall for their age, but that is the impression one gets when seeing legs go on that way. But before you get the feeling that I am obsessed with legs, let me mention what struck me as odd and perplexed me in the way that screams that I am now a parent.

Orlando in March can be a beautiful time of the year. In many cases, Spring has reached us and the weather is suitable for visits to the beach. This night was not one of those instances and the temperature was around 40. Now these pretty young girls must have had plans for quite some time to insist on wearing these particular outfits on this particular night because as hot as they looked, they were freezing their...legs off.

Their attire was, to say the least, flimsy. These dresses were the shortest I had ever seen outside of a strip club. (Not that I've been to one of those in eons either, but there are some memories that have not been blurred....) They were so short that as my 7 year old passed them I couldn't help but notice that his head was entirely below the hemline. My first thought was that they borrowed something from a little sister, but since all three of them shared the same style, I dismissed that thought as downright stupid. My next thought was, "How will they sit down?" but I determined that if their evening was successful, sitting was not something that was going to occur.

Of course there were no jackets, that would have ruined the effect. One can only hope that the warmth their vision brings to the male observer will reflect back in their direction as they wait in line outside of whatever nightclub they have targeted.

And my final thoughts, at least those that I am willing to share, was that I am ever so happy to have three boys. And I'm even happier for them that the miniskirt will never go away.....

Day 364

Okay, there are only 364 days until St. Patrick's Day!!! If you woke up counting, you didn't have a great night - or you're just obsessed with this sort of thing... :)

I do hope you had a grand St. Patrick's Day. And if your evening was extra special, please be sociable and remember to call her/him to keep the St. Patty's spirit alive!

March the 17th - Sleep the 18th!!!

Here is some bonus material for those loyal visitors who came back just to see if there was anything to feed the withdrawal symptoms that every Irishman goes through on the 18th.....


Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all Winter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a cool and foggy night and Murphy was manning the radar. He radioed a message to an oncoming vessel, “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.”

The reply from the vessel came quickly, “Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.”

Murphy replied: “Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

The vessel replied, “This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”

Murphy repeated, “Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.”

The excited response was, “THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Murphy’s calm reply was, “We are a lighthouse. Your call.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Garda, a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.

"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.

"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"

"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.

"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.

"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing.
"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pope was having a state visit with the Queen of England, when they decided they should make an appearance together. They came out onto the balcony of Windsdor Castle, and stood there for the crowd to cheer and take pictures. The Queen decided to have a bit of fun at the Pope's expense, and said to him,
"Watch this. With one wave of my hand, I can make every Englishman cheer for five full minutes."
She does so, and the Englishmen predictably applaud madly.
Not to be outdone, the Pope says to the Queen, "Very impressive. Now, watch me. With a nod of my head, I can make every Irishman in the crowd cheer for TEN minutes straight."
The Queen figures the Pope's just made an impossible offer, so she agrees to give him his chance. He stands, faces the crowd and head-butts the Queen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got.
Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.
Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.
"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey and Flanagan went mountain climbing in the Alps and got cut off
by an avalanche. They were sheltering on a ledge when they saw a St. Bernard coming, with a little keg of brandy hanging around his neck.
Flanagan said, "Look! Here comes man's best friend."
Casey said, "And look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Finally, the day has arrived. I hope that you observed the weekend properly and enjoyed some singing and laughter with friends and family. If you did, you have observed the most important part of Irish culture.

If you've been keeping up through these past 17 days, hopefully you've found at least one of these jokes that is worth retelling. And if you've been reading through them and haven't been able to conjure up a smile, than this first one is for you:

“Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife or children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in down town Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man gets a job in a natural history museum. His job is to stand next to this old dinosaur skeleton and talk about it.
Some students came in one day and asked him, “How old is that skeleton?”
The man replied, “65 million years and 7 months.”
The students exclaim, “Wow! How can you pinpoint the exact date and time?”
The man replies, “Well, when I came to work here, it was 65 million years old, and I’ve been here 7 months, now!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”
The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the train is always running late, anyway.”
The man then said, “It certainly will be today - I’m the driver!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Old Thomas O'Doherty was increasingly afflicted with terrible headaches as he aged. Eventually his love life began to suffer because of the headaches, so he decided to seek medical advice.
However, he went from one specialist to another without finding a cure. One day he went to see Dr. Flynn, who finally was able to solve Thomas’ headache affliction.
Said Dr. Flynn, "I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches, but the bad news is that the cure will require the surgical removal of your testicles.”
“I am afraid that you have an unusually rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The resulting pressure is creating one enormous headache, and the only way to ease the pressure is to take out your testicles.”
Poor Thomas took the news with both shock and despair. “Do I have anything left to live for?” He wondered.
But Thomas felt so anguished, he could not even formulate an answer to his own question. However, he finally decided that he had no choice. The testicles must go.
After the surgery as Thomas left the hospital, he rejoiced that his headaches were now gone. However, he felt depressed because an important part of himself was also gone.
While walking down the street, he realized that his life might now be greatly improved. He could now make a new beginning for himself and live a pain free life.
As he strode past a men's clothing store, Thomas thought, “A new suit would be a fitting celebration.”
After entering the shop Thomas told the salesman, “I have decided to treat myself to a new suit.”
After eyeing Thomas from head to toe, the salesman said, “You look like a size 44 long.”
Thomas was amazed and laughed, “however did you know?”
“It's my job,” replied the salesman.
Upon trying on a 44 long, Thomas found that it fit perfectly. As Thomas admired himself in the mirror, the salesman inquired, “Perhaps you would like a new shirt to compliment your new suit?"
Thomas responded, “Why not?”
Once again the salesman eyed Thomas’ neck and arms, saying, “Looks to me like a 16 and one half neck and a 35 sleeve.”
“That is amazing,” said Thomas. “But however did you know?”
“It's my job,” said the salesman.
As Thomas tried on the shirt, of course it fit perfectly. Then the salesman asked, “I believe that we have the perfect new shoes to go with your new suit!”
Thomas replied, “Let’s go for it!”
Once again the salesman’s magic eye perused Thomas’ feet, and he said, “I believe 9-1/2 E.”
Thomas was astonished, “Right again! However did you know?”
“It's my job,” responded the salesman.
Naturally, the shoes fit perfectly. As Thomas admired his new look in the mirror, the salesman said, “Underwear!”
Immediately Thomas replied, “Alright.”
As he eyed Thomas again the salesman said, “Size 36 waist.”
This time Thomas laughed, “It looks like I’ve got you this time. I have worn size 34 since I was only 18 years old.”
But the salesman shook his head saying, “Sir, you cannot wear a size 34. That would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one enormous headache.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Brien, a retired electrical engineer, was attending the homecoming football game at his old alma mater, Notre Dame, one crisp fall afternoon. He had been talking football to a college freshman sitting next to him when the conversation turned to electronics and how quickly the world was now changing. The freshman said that it would be impossible for O’Brien’s generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the freshman said loud enough for the everyone nearby to hear.
"Today we have television, jet planes, and space travel,” the freshman continued. “Man has walked on the Moon, and our spaceships have visited Mars.”
“We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and…"
Suddenly O‘Brien interrupted the young student and also spoke loud enough to be heard by those nearby, "You're right. We didn't have those things when I was young; so we invented them. What the hell are you doing for the next generation?"

Day 16 - St. Patty's Eve

Humor is a large part of the Irish culture, and not just in the stories and jokes that are shared at the pub, here is some evidence of humor in everyday life in Ireland:

Sign on a Limerick shop: Out for lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.

Signs on Irish farm gates:
Horse Manure: 50p per pre-packed bag. 20p -do it your self.

The farmer allows walkers across the field for free, but the bull charges.

Notice on a Cork building site:
The shovels haven't arrived, and until they do, you'll have to lean on each other.

A particular favorite for theft is the road sign to one Co. Kerry village that reads: "Inch, 1 mile."

A Belfast newspaper reported on the launching of an aircraft carrier and recorded:
The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea.

A newspaper in Ireland published the headline:
Half the council are crooks, but was asked to retract it. The following week it ran the heading: Half the council are NOT crooks.


Ireland, reknown for storytelling, has produced many authors and politicians. Here are some quotes that demonstrate their wit, or lack thereof:

It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. - Brendan Behan

"Burn everything British, except their coal." - Jonathan Swift

Little Boy: Mr. President, how did you become a war hero?
President Kennedy: It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. - Oscar Wilde

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it. - George Bernard Shaw

No man is an Ireland. - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. - P. J. O'Rourke

It was a bold man who first swallowed an oyster. - Jonathan Swift

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lord John Dillon didn't smoke and couldn't stand any of the people who did. One morning as he was seated in the train carriage, an elderly Irishman sat opposite him and lit up his pipe.
Immediately Dillon said, "Look, my good man, this is a nonsmoking carriage and I wish that you would put that pipe away. Here is my card so that you know the important source from which this comes."
The elderly man looked at the card and put it in his pocket. However, he kept on smoking. This infuriated Dillon no end; hence, when the train stopped at a junction, Dillon got out from the carriage and began to look for a guard. When Dillon found the guard, he complained loudly and demanded that he oust the old man. The train guard went into the carriage and informed the old man that he must stop smoking. With that, the old man reached in his pocket and handed the guard Dillon's card.
"Oh, okay, your Lordship," and the guard tipped his hat and went on. When he came back to the platform, he said, "I'd like to stop him, but I don't dare. That's that old crazy politician Dillon with the blabber mouth. If I crossed him, it might cost me my job. You know what a revengeful ass he is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.
Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

Day 15

Let the celebration begin!! With all of the confustion of Holy Week, many an Irish Pub are beginning the celebration this evening - Not that we need a pub keeper to tell us when to start the party.....

Have a grand weekend and share some of these with those who ya meet!



Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let the Catholics across?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A black, black night it was as Mick made his way homeward from the pub. Suddenly he heard a small voice crying for help and so, full of Guinness and good will to all men, he followed the sound 'til he came across the small figure of a leprechaun with his foot caught under a large stone. Mick freed the green-clad little fellow, helped him gently to his feet and made sure all was well.
"Good sir," said the leprechaun, bowing stiffly and low, "I am in your debt and wish to repay yer kindness. I would deem it a favor if ye'd accept three fairy wishes."
"Shure now that would be foine," said Mick.
"Make a wish then," said the little man, "and whatever ye want, 'twill be granted."
"Oi wish Oi had a bottle of stout," said Mick.
No sooner were the words spoken than a bottle appeared in Mick's hand. Gently he unscrewed the top and supped the bottle.
"Sir," interrupted the leprechaun, "I don't mean to be rushing ye, but I must get on and ye still have two more wishes to make."
"Well," said Mick, "Oi wish this bottle would never be empty."
"Done," said the manikin.
Mick had another swig and another and, sure enough, after each the bottle would replenish itself.
"Glory be," said Mick, dancing a small jig and supping some more.
"And what's your third wish?" the leprechaun inquired politely.
"Shure now," said Mick, waving his magic bottle, "Oi'll have another one of these."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Englishman and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey.
He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who say, "May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony."
The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irishman, whom replies:
"No thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!"

Day 14

The holiday is nearly upon us. In many locales around the World, St. Patrick's Day is being celebrated on the 15th to avoid conflict with the Catholic Church's Holy Week. The pessimist wants to know why they are tinkering with St. Patrick's Day; the optimist is thrilled that we have a three day celebration....


Poor Paddy was found dead, lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn.
Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard. Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.
Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!
They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”
They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor lad actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was.
They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Brien aspired to be an accountant, so he went down to take the Irish accountancy exam.
The examiner asked him, “If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”
O’Brien replied, “five.”
The examiner answered, “Five? No, now listen to me carefully once again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?”
Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”
The examiner was beginning to get flustered, so he said, “Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer do you have?”
“Four,” answered O’Brien.
“Good!” said the examiner. “Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”
Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”
Exasperated, the examiner pleaded, “How on earth do you figure that two lots of two rabbits equals five?”
Said O‘Brien, “I already have one rabbit at home.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father O’Malley, an Irish priest, and Rabbi Levine are involved in a car accident. As they both exit their cars and wobble toward the side of the road. Rabbi Levine says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”
Father O’Malley asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”
Rabbi Levine replies, “Yes. I am just shaken a little is all.”
The father withdraws a flask of whiskey from his coat saying, "Here, Rabbi. Drink some of this. It will calm your nerves."
The Rabbi gratefully accepts the flask, drinking it down while saying, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"
“Well," Father O’Malley replies, "I don't know what you’re apt to be telling them. But I'll be telling them I wasn't the one drinking."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Ryan had spilled the ink all over the classroom floor. The teacher came down and stood looking sternly at him. “Ryan,” she said, “If you spilled something at home, what would your mother do?” Ryan said, “Well, she wouldn’t just stand there like you, looking at it, she’d clean it up.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," Katie said.
"How many," Murphy asked, "are you going to marry?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time. After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

Day 13

Lucky 13! If you're enough lucky to be Irish...You're lucky enough!

The Luck of the Irish is legendary although there is some question as to whether it is good luck or bad luck......

A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Timothy met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?" "It was grand," said the priest.
Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?" And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"
Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?" The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"
He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?" The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?" Then the priest said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"
He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey came home from seeing the doctor looking very worried.
His wife said, "What's the problem?" He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."
She said, "So what, lots of people have to take a pill every day for the rest of their lives."
He said, "I know, but he only gave me four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s a new concept pub opened-up in Ireland - it’s got mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night. Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub - he didn’t know about the mirrors.
He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”
Flanagan didn’t know about the mirrors either and he said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”
Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”
Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”

Day 12

With only 5 days to go, make sure that your green shirt is clean and that you've stocked up on the Irish Whiskey.......


Murphy stumbles into the front door of the pub and orders a drink, the bartender says,
"No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later Murphy comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink."
The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"
Five minutes later Murphy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk"
Murphy scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said,
"I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming.
She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered,
"Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Really, I’m O’Connor too. Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.
Father Murphy said, "Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me. I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?' And he dropped the darned thing and ran."

Day 11

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him,
"This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion.
"You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"
"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

Day 10

My apologies to those of you who checked in over the weekend to see if I was keeping up. Well, I wasn't because we are a busy family. There was hardly time for a beer this weekend....honestly! But worry not, I will make up for it during the next 7 days!!

He wasn't Irish, but he certainly had the spirit.....

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.
Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"
No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly,
"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole is a doctor but he's a bit henpecked by his wife. One evening the phone rang. It was from a professional colleague asking him to join some others for a game of poker. When he put the phone down, his wife said,
"Is it an emergency?"
He said, "Yes, there's four doctors there already."