Day 7

It's Friday!!  And I need a drink.....

Irish whiskey was first developed for its medicinal benefits. It's just lucky for the rest of us that the Irish are such a sickly bunch.

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four pints of stout," was the reply.
"Next?"
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"Next?"
"One glass of brandy."
"Next?"
"A fight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"

"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.  "Inebriated again!" declared the priest.  "Shame on you!  When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen.  "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it!  Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.  How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't," slurred McCuen.  "The Bishop has it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy texts his wife...

"Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.
If I’m not home in 20 minutes, read this message again.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy Murphy approached Mulligan's Bar when he was suddenly accosted outside by Sister Marie. "Surely a fine man as yerself, Paddy, is not going in to this den of iniquity?!" the good sister asked, more as an order than a question. "Surely you wouldn't waste yer hard-earned paycheck on the devil's brew when you could be buying food and clothing fer yer family!"

"Now hold on there, sister!" sputtered Murphy. "Surely you won't be condemnin' whiskey without ever tasting some yerself, would ya?"

"Very well then" said Sister Marie, "Just to prove my point, I'll try some. Obviously I can't go into the pub, but you go in and bring it out to me. Just have them place it in a cup rather than a glass, so as to not create a scandal out here."

"Okay sister" said Murphy as he happily breezed on in to Mulligan's.

"I'll have a large whiskey" ordered Murphy to the barman, "and place it in a cup, not a glass!"

The barman shook his head and replied "Don't tell me that nun's outside again"

Day 6

No frivolities today.....onto the jokes!!

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass.
"Good mornin', Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church."
"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.
"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great basilica at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."

Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?
"Deed I did, Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.
"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you.
"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Sean. Is he here?"
"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."

Day 5

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of the holy season of Lent.  One of the reasons that I grew up with such an appreciation for St. Patrick's Day was from going to a Catholic School where the good nuns would ease our Lenten fasting from cookies and treats for the feast of St. Patrick.  What better way to even get the Italian kids in the class claiming it was their holiday too as St. Patrick was from Italy (He wasn't, but he wasn't Irish either). So while we don't typically celebrate on the first day of Lent, there is no sin in laughing.

Dugan, in a decidedly tipsy state, boarded a bus and sat down in front of a priest reading the evening paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven," bawled Dugan.  "I ain't -hic- goin' to heaven!"
The priest continued to read his paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven 'cause there ain't no heaven!!"
"Well, go to hell then," said the priest.  "But be quiet about it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor.  However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward.  When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man.
The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back.  He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.
"Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong."
"Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

Day 4

Last Fall I had the extreme good fortune to take a trip to Ireland.  I was blessed not only by the good company, but by the unusually warm and dry weather - by Ireland's standards.  The most wonderful part of the trip was experiencing first hand the Irish people.  We met courtesy, sarcasm, and wit at every pub and attraction.  It could be summarized by the use of the term, "Brilliant."  By simple inflection, tone, and context, this word can be used as a wonderful compliment or as the most sarcastic and good-natured jab that can be shared.  I will admit that while my travel companion received mostly the complimentary use of the word, I, on the other hand, experienced in great quantities, that latter.  So when you hear the Irish use the adjective, pay close attention to make sure you have not just experienced a taste of Blarney.......

Slainte!!

Curran said to Father O'Leary, a priest with the typical Irish wit, "I wish you were St. Peter." 
"Why?" asked O'Leary. 
"Because," said Curran, "you would have the keys of heaven, and could let me in." 
"It would be better for you," said O'Leary, "that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you out."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
Spike Milligan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge, 

"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."

The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"

Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. it's the funniest joke in the world."
George Bernard Shaw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A reporter was interviewing Mrs. Reilly on the occasion of her 104^th birthday, "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" 

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions.  Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly, 

"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

Day 3

'Tis Monday..... A day that many people, believe it or not, look forward to.  And I believe that they look forward to it this week only because it begins the daily dose of Irish humor within my working World. Unless they are so dedicated that they came to the blog site without prompting, they may not even know that this is the third day or Irish....


A woman from Co. Kerry hired three men to move her furniture. When she saw two of them struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the third fellow was. “Oh, he’s in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.

"Aha!  I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." say Seamus.

So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
            She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
            She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
            The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
            "I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Day 2

It is a beautiful day here in Central Florida, perfect for watching the annual St. Patrick's Day parade stagger down Park Avenue in Winter Park.  The parade begins at 2:00 and the post-parade celebrating begins at about 2:10.......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! 

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy had a hardware shop. Paddy went into the shop and asked, “I want to buy a shovel - how much are they?”

Murphy replied, “€20.”

Then Paddy said, “€20? At O’Reilly’s down the road, they’re only €10.”

So Murphy said, “Well, why didn’t you buy one down there, then?”

Paddy says, “They haven’t got any.”

Murphy replies, “Well, when we haven’t got any, we only charge €10.”

So Paddy says, “Fair enough, I’ll come back next week when you haven’t got any!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American walks into O'Connor's Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.

"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks, "If you don't mind my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"

To which Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

See you at the parade!!

St. Patrick's Month 2014

Slainte!

That common Irish toast is an interesting word.  Mispronounced by many, it was an interesting joke at a recent concert of my now favorite Irish Musical Group, Gaelic Storm.  The leader of the band, Patrick Murphy of Cork City, would toast the crowd quite often during the night, downing those fine little "airplane" bottles of whiskey that the crowd would throw to them at the end of each song.  Each time he would raise the little bottle and say, "Cilantro!" much to the amusement of the crowd.  After doing this about 6 times, finally one woman in the first row had had enough and she attempted to correct his pronunciation by saying, loud enough for all to hear, "It's pronounced SLAN-cheh!"  Well Mr. Murphy couldn't hold in the laughter on that one and kindly thanked her, raised his little bottle and said, "Cilantro!"

And now for today's Irish Joke selection.....

An American lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that he can certainly outwit this common man from the countryside and entertain himself...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.

“I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00” he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Internet. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500.00

The Irishman pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.

"Cilantro!"

To Aunt Helene

My first memories of Aunt Helene were of the big, laughter filled woman whose red lipstick and need to kiss us made my brothers and I try to hide whenever she came into the house. It was no use, Mom and Dad would make us line up and accept our torment. And every Christmas we would always graciously accept our new ugly sweater…...

I was very young when I first got to see Helene and Rosemary together and I assumed my Dad was kidding when he said they were twins. I asked everyone if that was true and of course they all said it was…but this was my family….the Mooney family…. I couldn’t actually believe them, right? Well it is true of course, and I cherish the few days when I got to see all of those Mooney kids together, my Dad, Uncle Bill, Rosemary, and Helene; it let me know how a family is supposed to act when they get together.  Good natured ribbing, a generous portion of sarcasm, and a whole lot of laughter.

Through grade school I was fortunate enough to be able to visit with Aunt Helen often.  I would stop by her house on school days to visit with her and Granny Kate for lunch (peanut butter and GRAPE jelly only please) or cookies and milk after school.  I rarely stayed for dinner… I’m sure that Aunt Helene cooked some things well but I never did discover what it was that kept Uncle Frank’s belly full.

Years at The Club brought all of us the joy of watching those “whacky adults” as she referred to herself and her friends singing and having a great time at Clubhouse parties.  Aunt Helene loved to laugh, she loved to sing, and she loved being with friends and family.  And for some odd reason, she always loved beer in a can. Whenever I would go to visit her at Holy Redeemer I would always ask if there was anything I could bring and she more often than not would ask for a beer – in a can.  I can’t say that I always felt comfortable when the orderlies – the pushers as she called them, would notice the obvious 6 pack I was bringing for my visit.

I had a part time job through high school at Fluehr’s and you would think working at a Funeral Home might stifle some of the laughter in her.  No way…. Thanks to her laughter coming from the office throughout the day that was the happiest funeral home in the World.  I guess she and Mary got a lot of work done to keep that place running, but they sure seemed to have a good time doing so.

After I moved to Florida, I didn’t get to visit her as often but called every now and then to see how she was doing.  No matter how she was doing she would always tell me that she was good enough to keep laughing and as long as she could keep doing that she would stick around. Well a few weeks ago during our last conversation, the laughter was gone so I knew her time was near.

She is in a better place now, surrounded by more friends and family than many of us care to think about. And I’m sure that she is laughing once again.  I’m even willing to bet that a little bit of miraculous intervention has her actually playing the banjo, organ, ukulele, and whatever other instruments Uncle Frank bought for her – and playing them well enough that the angels might actually recognize the tune.  And those lucky angels, they have a willing new member of the Heavenly Sweet Adelines and I’m guessing they are rehearsing Heart of My Heart or some song that ends with broad smiles are a heartfelt laugh.

We miss you Aunt Helene, but we will keep laughing for you!

50 Days

There are only 50 days until St. Patrick's Day.... Enjoy:

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

Friends

Recently a good friend gave me a pep talk that I didn't think I needed, but it worked, so I guess I did.  So I found some of my favorite "good friend" quotes worth sharing.....


The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.              
               It's impossible to be angry at someone who makes you laugh.

No matter how serious life gets you still need those ones you can be absolutely stupid with.....

A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend pees their pants laughing, trips you again, and calls you an a**hole.

March the 17th.....sleep the 18th

I hope you had a fine time celebrating! Time to get the green attire cleaned up and put away for another time.... But remember, you can be as carefree and happy as Paddy every day of the year. Share a smile whenever you can, it doesn't cost a cent....

An old Irishman was asked,

"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"

The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!

Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

As always, it has been a wonderful run up to my favorite holiday.  I am truly grateful of your appreciation (tolerance) of some of my favorite Irish jokes.  I hope that today finds you surrounded by friends, family, and a designated driver! :)

            Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
            So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
            Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
            With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            A man walks out of a house in Belfast.  Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
            The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
            At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with.  Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him.  Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide.  Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old lady leprechaun. 
            "Don't jump," she said, “and I'll grant you three wishes."
            "Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."
            She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."
            He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."
            She said, "They will be there when you get home."
            He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."
            She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted."  Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me.  I want you to kiss me."
            He looked at her and shuddered at the thought.  But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted.  He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.
            She said, "What age are you?"
            He replied, "I'm forty."
            She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believin’ in leprechauns?"

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            In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
            "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
            "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
            "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
            O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push. "What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. 

He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was. "Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says. 

"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks. 

"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells. 

The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him." 

Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!" 

The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, 

"WHERE?!" 

"OVER HERE, ON YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Slainte!!

St. Patty's Eve

For all intents and purposes, St. Patty's Day is upon us.  The weather here in Central Florida is perfect for a day of song and drink - of course what weather isn't?

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
            She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
            She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
            The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
            "I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Dr. Haggerty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him,
            "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness.  Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
            "Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
            "You'll have to," said Dr. Haggerty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
            "Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "Just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.  After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
            "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said.  "I'll be back in a few minutes."
            When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
            "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy.  "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
            One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
            "Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick Catholic Church.  'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

 This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.’

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.  The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.’ 

Day 15

Good Morning!  It is St. Patrick's Day weekend and there are many an Irish Pub celebrating on both the 16th and the day itself.  Not wanting to discourage such activity, I too will be participating on both days.

I will be at Liam Fitzpatrick's on Saturday for as long as I can stand.....you can't miss me, I'll be the one in green with a beautiful redhead on my arm..... at least that's the plan!

Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Casey came home from seeing the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?" 
He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."
She said, "So what, lots of people have to take a pill every day for the rest of their lives." 
He said, "I know, but he only gave me four." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in down town Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”

“I’ve got no wife or children.”

“Then think of your parents.”

“I don’t have any parents.”

“Then think of St. Patrick!!”

“Who’s St. Patrick?”

“Jump, ya bastard!”

Day 14

There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says,
"Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed."
Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself."
"No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya."
Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! Okay, okay, I'll go right away."
So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way.
As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!
Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go."
They keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!"
Patty answers, “No, no, no, I've got to go.”
Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go past the pub once again, they start in again,
"Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!
Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go.
They beg, "C'mon boy, just one."
Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."
It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch.
"Oh No!! I've got to go!!"
Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells,
"Patty! It's after 11:00! What took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?"
Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims, "Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud.

And he was Iying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along. He kneeled down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?" And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?" And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?" He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached is assistant.

'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'..

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' Says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!'

Lucky 13

            A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
            Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
            "Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
            "Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
            The man said, "I do Father."
            The priest said,  "Then stand over there against the wall."
            Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
            "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
            "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
            Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
            O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
            The priest said, "I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
            O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. 

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving mile.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.  So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.  It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.  They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned That they had brought the cow over from Scotland.  "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:  "My wife's from Scotland "

Day 12

O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. 

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, 
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?' 

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.  One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.  Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips.  The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.  As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "Don't sell that cow."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father O’Malley was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon young Sean trying to sell a lawnmower.  "Now son, how much ye be wantin’ for the mower?”" asked the good Father.  

Father, I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the priest asked, “Will ye take me bike in trade for it?”

Sean said, “You got a deal, Father!”

Father O’Malley took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. He called the little boy over and said, “I can't get this mower to start.”

The young Irisher said, “That's 'cause ya have to cuss at it to get it started.”

Father O’Malley said, “I'm a man of the Church, and I can't be speakin’ that way. It's been so long that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss.”

Young Sean was happily riding away and looked back at him and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Malley went into McCafferty’s Pub and ordered three pints at one time. The bartender asks O’Malley, “Now, tell me O’Malley, why would you be needin’ three pints all at the same time?”
O’Malley explained that each of his brothers just emigrated overseas, one to Australia and the other to America. “As long as each brother lives,” O’Malley says, “I am going to be buyin’ three at a time, one for me and one for each of my brothers.”
So, each time that O’Malley came into McCafferty’s, he would order three pints at the same time.
This went on for years, until one day, O’Malley pulled himself up onto a barstool at McCafferty’s and ordered only two pints.
“Oh, no,” says the bartender. “Which of your brothers passed on? The one in Australia or the one in America?”
“Oh, it’s not that,” says O’Malley. “Both me brothers are just fine. Me doctor’s makin’ me give up the drink.”

Day 11

We are entering the home stretch now, so it's time to share some of the classics.....

           

 A judge in Dublin asked: "Were you present at the beginning of the trouble between your friend and his wife?"
Witness: "Sure, wasn't I best man at their wedding?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day.  The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other. 
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.'
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned.'

Day 10

One week to go!!


Murphy walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says Murphy.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
Murphy then goes outside and tells Seamus that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
Seamus rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon Seamus goes into the street, sees Paddy, and tells him how to get free drinks.
Paddy hurries into the bar and begins to drink shot after shot of fine Irish Whiskey. Suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," Paddy responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''

''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.  Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
            "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
            "Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She followed her husband to the public house.

            "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
            "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."