For you loyal followers who had the good sense to come here and check without an e-mail reminder, God love ya!!
Today's Irish Quote:
“Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.” - Oscar Wilde
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Timothy met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?"
"It was grand," said the priest. Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?"
And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"
Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?"
The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"
He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?"
The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?"
Then the priest said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"
He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all Winter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two friends Sean and Paddy were two of the biggest football fans in Ireland.
Their entire adult lives, Sean and Paddy discussed football history, and they pored over all the statistics. They went to all of the matches. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was football in heaven.
One summer night, Sean passed away in his sleep after watching a Manchester United victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Paddy awoke to the sound of Sean's voice from beyond.
"Sean, is that you?" Paddy asked.
"Of course it me," Sean replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Paddy exclaimed. "So tell me, is there football in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there's football in heaven, Paddy."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're playing tomorrow night!"
March 6, 2010
March 5, 2010
Day 5
Today's Irish Quote:
"The government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
George Bernard Shaw.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest.
"Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:
"Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.
Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything.'"
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery.
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said.
He got out.
"The government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
George Bernard Shaw.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest.
"Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:
"Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.
Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything.'"
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery.
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said.
He got out.
March 4, 2010
Day 4 - Thirsty Thursday
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine; something Brussels Sprouts never do.
- P. J. O'Rourke
Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up. "I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?" "Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars." "Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write." "Nor swim either," added the widow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want
to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."
- P. J. O'Rourke
Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up. "I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?" "Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars." "Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write." "Nor swim either," added the widow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want
to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."
March 3, 2010
Day 3 - Read 'em and laugh!
These are much funnier if you read them after a few drinks. So after work today, pour yourself a few fingers worth of a fine Irish whiskey (or have a beer if you must) and read them again. I promise that you'll enjoy them more....
"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience"
Oscar Wilde
One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan, I'm perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning, I can tell exactly what's wrong."
Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?"
Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole, she'll know what to do."
Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.
A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"
"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So I said, 'Go crap in yer hat!,' and the fight was on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."
Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"
"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
(And if you don't get that last one, ask your Catholic friend....)
"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience"
Oscar Wilde
One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan, I'm perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning, I can tell exactly what's wrong."
Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?"
Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole, she'll know what to do."
Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.
A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"
"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So I said, 'Go crap in yer hat!,' and the fight was on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."
Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"
"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
(And if you don't get that last one, ask your Catholic friend....)
March 1, 2010
Day 2 - The laughs keep coming....
Irish Quote of the day:
"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
Brendan Behan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Murphy: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along.
One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The English stranger was seated next to Murphy on the plane when he thought he would have some fun with the Irish traveler. He turned to Murphy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Murphy, who had just opened a magazine, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What now would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the smirking Englishman. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Murphy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"My," said the Englishman. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Murphy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
Brendan Behan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Murphy: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along.
One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The English stranger was seated next to Murphy on the plane when he thought he would have some fun with the Irish traveler. He turned to Murphy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Murphy, who had just opened a magazine, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What now would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the smirking Englishman. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Murphy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"My," said the Englishman. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Murphy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
February 28, 2010
Let the Jokes Begin!
The Olympics have come to a close and while we will all miss curling, ice dancing, and skeleton, how can we really take seriously any event this long that didn't feature an Irishman?
With the end of the Olympics, comes the beginning of March, a time where we can all look forward to the end of cold weather, the beginning of baseball, the lead up to March Madness, hockey games with a purpose and of course, 17 days of Irish jokes!! Enjoy.....
The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.
Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor.
Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?" Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea! "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me."
Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray! "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud. And he was lying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along.
He kneeled down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?"
And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?"
And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?"
He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (Also Kerrymen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."
"What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of hunters in Kerry are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." ....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
With the end of the Olympics, comes the beginning of March, a time where we can all look forward to the end of cold weather, the beginning of baseball, the lead up to March Madness, hockey games with a purpose and of course, 17 days of Irish jokes!! Enjoy.....
The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.
Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor.
Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?" Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea! "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me."
Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray! "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud. And he was lying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along.
He kneeled down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?"
And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?"
And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?"
He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (Also Kerrymen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."
"What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of hunters in Kerry are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." ....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
November 17, 2009
The Attraction of the Drama Club
Eric has found a new activity. No, Band is not yet finished but what the heck, he had a few nights a week with nothing to do but homework. So he has volunteered his time as a part of the stage crew to help the Drama Club.
With his penchant for soaking up the spotlight, and his natural talent for grandiose entrances, it was only a matter of time until The Stage attracted him. While he is following his father's footsteps in working back stage, I believe he has more of his Uncle Bill's talents for performing rather than supporting. Wouldn't Grandpop be proud that he has discovered the Arts and takes such joy in acting. He truly enjoyed the taste of Shakespeare he had in 8th grade as they put on modernized performances of Sir William's finest works.
So what was it that drew him to this new found activity I asked, "I met some of the kids from the Drama Club in debate class and they said they needed some help and they are really a lot of fun." Seemed innocent enough and a good use of his talent and idle time.
I went to pick him up from his first night working with the Drama Club last night. He was patiently sitting on the wall out in front of the school - but in no hurry to leave as he had a pair of cheerleaders sitting on his lap......
He's a freshman.....this isn't supposed to be that easy for him....."They are in the Drama Club dad." "Are they the kids that talked you into joining?" I asked. "Yeah," he answered with a smirk....
Uncle Bill? Do you want to call him with any "Drama Club" advice? But I think he might be ahead of your progress in this area......
With his penchant for soaking up the spotlight, and his natural talent for grandiose entrances, it was only a matter of time until The Stage attracted him. While he is following his father's footsteps in working back stage, I believe he has more of his Uncle Bill's talents for performing rather than supporting. Wouldn't Grandpop be proud that he has discovered the Arts and takes such joy in acting. He truly enjoyed the taste of Shakespeare he had in 8th grade as they put on modernized performances of Sir William's finest works.
So what was it that drew him to this new found activity I asked, "I met some of the kids from the Drama Club in debate class and they said they needed some help and they are really a lot of fun." Seemed innocent enough and a good use of his talent and idle time.
I went to pick him up from his first night working with the Drama Club last night. He was patiently sitting on the wall out in front of the school - but in no hurry to leave as he had a pair of cheerleaders sitting on his lap......
He's a freshman.....this isn't supposed to be that easy for him....."They are in the Drama Club dad." "Are they the kids that talked you into joining?" I asked. "Yeah," he answered with a smirk....
Uncle Bill? Do you want to call him with any "Drama Club" advice? But I think he might be ahead of your progress in this area......
September 29, 2009
A Problem with Marching? How can that be???
Eric has begun his experience with the Oviedo High School Marching Band and I received some rather troubling news from his Band Director/Music Teacher. Apparently, Eric is having some difficulties learning the marching steps. Heavens to Betsy!! This son and grandson of a foot soldier can't MARCH!! There are some areas of expertise that I never really thought I would have to share with my kids, but it looks like those hours I spent Walking the Area will come in handy. Of course one carries a saxophone a bit differently than a rifle, but I take pride in being able to step off a 30 inch step, exactly, whenever called to do so.
So this weekend, we will conduct some remedial marching in the Mooney back yard in an effort to have Eric uphold the family honor. Heaven forbid that he begins marching like someone from Navy........
So this weekend, we will conduct some remedial marching in the Mooney back yard in an effort to have Eric uphold the family honor. Heaven forbid that he begins marching like someone from Navy........
September 16, 2009
Hanging 'Em Up
It happens too soon....it always does, but my youngest son, Adam, decided that he no longer wanted to play baseball. So after being a fixture around the Little League complex for 7 years, it's time to "hang 'em up."
After the Game
I’m going to miss that reddish clay that turns to mud on rainy days
I’m going to miss the rakes and things, and lining basepaths with long white strings
I’m going to miss that child’s thirst for one day being safe at first
I’m going to miss this Little League, but my 10 year old says he’s too big.
For 7 short years I’ve been a part of this game that has brought us all together
It gave me hope, it brought me joy, it made me curse the weather.
“Let’s hustle out there,” is the coaches refrain,
“Which boy is yours? “What is your name?”
“Who here can pitch?” is asked on day 1, and 10 hands reach for the sky
And when not an arm can reach home plate it’s enough to make you cry.
The socks are too big, the shirt is too small, “My son hasn’t gotten a hustle ball.”
“Can I have a team drink?” “Hey, what do you think, can this team win it all?”
But we wait for that day when bat finally meets ball for that kid who has struggled all year
Because that “0 for the season” that we have nightmares about, is a coaches biggest fear.
5 tools are the dream, but not for these kids, just a ball, a glove, and a bat
Winning is never as important as getting that brand new Rays hat.
So if you see an old guy, hanging round King Street, looking like he’s lost his son
Invite him on out to shag some fly balls, he really just misses the fun.
I’m going to miss the rakes and things, and lining basepaths with long white strings
I’m going to miss that child’s thirst for one day being safe at first
I’m going to miss this Little League, but my 10 year old says he’s too big.
For 7 short years I’ve been a part of this game that has brought us all together
It gave me hope, it brought me joy, it made me curse the weather.
“Let’s hustle out there,” is the coaches refrain,
“Which boy is yours? “What is your name?”
“Who here can pitch?” is asked on day 1, and 10 hands reach for the sky
And when not an arm can reach home plate it’s enough to make you cry.
The socks are too big, the shirt is too small, “My son hasn’t gotten a hustle ball.”
“Can I have a team drink?” “Hey, what do you think, can this team win it all?”
But we wait for that day when bat finally meets ball for that kid who has struggled all year
Because that “0 for the season” that we have nightmares about, is a coaches biggest fear.
5 tools are the dream, but not for these kids, just a ball, a glove, and a bat
Winning is never as important as getting that brand new Rays hat.
So if you see an old guy, hanging round King Street, looking like he’s lost his son
Invite him on out to shag some fly balls, he really just misses the fun.
May 29, 2009
The Dance
If this post looks weird, excuse me as I am posting from a Blackberry. Also, my concentration level isn't what it should be as I'm using Crystal as my editor. :)
Eric has his first dance tonight. It is his 8th grade dance.He also has his first date as he is escorting Kaitlyn to the dance. It is a Mardi Gras theme tonight and the toughest part was finding clothes that he thought appropriate for such a theme and at the same time wouldn't scare the bejeebers out of his date. As any woman who has dated a Mooney can attest, this is a challenge. I tried my best to impart my wisdom- and when that didn't work, I used the Dad Factor! If I saw something that I thought was too weird (Would Rich wear this to a party? Yes?? It's too weird....) I would immediately suggest it and thus Eric would summarily dismiss it from consideration.
He settled on a black pair of dress pants and a black shirt with a very subtle purple and grey pattern. He chose a black tie with some purple highlights and a bulldog wearing a Mardi Gras crown!! He was on the verge of looking pretty sharp.
When we got home, he tried everything on. The shirt was too big and he decided that it was too dark for Mardi Gras. He wanted a purple jacket to wear with it....
If Uncle Rich was closer, I would have asked if he happened to have a purple jacket. If I still lived in Philly, I would have gone to the nearest Mummers hall and borrowed one. We decided that I would find him an alternative for the shirt. I did find a light purple shirt the next day and he was psyched.
Come game day, he put his ensemble together, adding the jacket he found in the closet. It was small...it was his Mom's. I had 3 choices: tell him he looked great, suggest he lose the jacket, frantically find a replacement. I chose #2. Eric chose #1.
Well I delivered him not too long ago and as he jumped out of the car, he spotted one of his buddies, a black kid, wearing the same purple shirt....Eris was psyched again. He saw other friend right away, none with jackets, half with purple shirts. I left laughing to myself wondering what his date would think. I'm sure she will love the tie....
Eric has his first dance tonight. It is his 8th grade dance.He also has his first date as he is escorting Kaitlyn to the dance. It is a Mardi Gras theme tonight and the toughest part was finding clothes that he thought appropriate for such a theme and at the same time wouldn't scare the bejeebers out of his date. As any woman who has dated a Mooney can attest, this is a challenge. I tried my best to impart my wisdom- and when that didn't work, I used the Dad Factor! If I saw something that I thought was too weird (Would Rich wear this to a party? Yes?? It's too weird....) I would immediately suggest it and thus Eric would summarily dismiss it from consideration.
He settled on a black pair of dress pants and a black shirt with a very subtle purple and grey pattern. He chose a black tie with some purple highlights and a bulldog wearing a Mardi Gras crown!! He was on the verge of looking pretty sharp.
When we got home, he tried everything on. The shirt was too big and he decided that it was too dark for Mardi Gras. He wanted a purple jacket to wear with it....
If Uncle Rich was closer, I would have asked if he happened to have a purple jacket. If I still lived in Philly, I would have gone to the nearest Mummers hall and borrowed one. We decided that I would find him an alternative for the shirt. I did find a light purple shirt the next day and he was psyched.
Come game day, he put his ensemble together, adding the jacket he found in the closet. It was small...it was his Mom's. I had 3 choices: tell him he looked great, suggest he lose the jacket, frantically find a replacement. I chose #2. Eric chose #1.
Well I delivered him not too long ago and as he jumped out of the car, he spotted one of his buddies, a black kid, wearing the same purple shirt....Eris was psyched again. He saw other friend right away, none with jackets, half with purple shirts. I left laughing to myself wondering what his date would think. I'm sure she will love the tie....
May 19, 2009
Beauty
I stopped at the Wing House today to kill some time and happily spent quite a bit of time talking to Crystal and her two friends. I had stopped in a couple of weeks ago with a couple of buddies, and we met Crystal, one of those memorable experiences that the Wing House offers now and then. I would best describe her has my Dad would, she was a "very healthy young lady." Her two friends you ask? Well, it would have been rude to ask if they had names.......
Anyway, it was a very slow evening which means that she was pleased (forced) to talk with me one-on-one for an extended period. I was actually there long enough to notice that she had blue eyes.....she mentioned that I was the first customer to compliment her on her eyes....(she has been working there for about a year).
We spoke about all of the typical things that bartenders and customers talk about. You know, how boobs make a perfect place to keep a pen, and how a thong is not that uncomfortable if you're moving all the time, and how silly of a rule it was at the bar that you could not have visible tattoos since the outfits didn't leave that much that wasn't visible...... We even ventured into the sports world to talk about what should happen to Michael Vick when he gets out of jail.....I never would have thought that she could have come up with that one - OUCH!!!
Well, to make a long story get to a point, she revealed that she was engaged. The few guys at the bar were deflated (and that was the only thing at the bar that could be described in that way). But just to give man hope, and hope these days is audacious, she did reveal that she is pissed at her fiance as he has scheduled a weekend away "on some island" this week. "Does he realize how much he is costing me in for not working this Saturday?"
My, she is a romantic........
Anyway, it was a very slow evening which means that she was pleased (forced) to talk with me one-on-one for an extended period. I was actually there long enough to notice that she had blue eyes.....she mentioned that I was the first customer to compliment her on her eyes....(she has been working there for about a year).
We spoke about all of the typical things that bartenders and customers talk about. You know, how boobs make a perfect place to keep a pen, and how a thong is not that uncomfortable if you're moving all the time, and how silly of a rule it was at the bar that you could not have visible tattoos since the outfits didn't leave that much that wasn't visible...... We even ventured into the sports world to talk about what should happen to Michael Vick when he gets out of jail.....I never would have thought that she could have come up with that one - OUCH!!!
Well, to make a long story get to a point, she revealed that she was engaged. The few guys at the bar were deflated (and that was the only thing at the bar that could be described in that way). But just to give man hope, and hope these days is audacious, she did reveal that she is pissed at her fiance as he has scheduled a weekend away "on some island" this week. "Does he realize how much he is costing me in for not working this Saturday?"
My, she is a romantic........
A little over a year ago, when Twitter first hit the scene, I created an account to see what it was all about. I think I used it during one business trip to Denver and never did anything with it again.
Well this past week I have received two notifications that someone is stalking me via Twitter. They must be really bored, and since I don't even remember my log-in to Twitter, they are going to be even more bored waiting for me to Tweet.
I don't remember the first person who decided to follow me, I just treated it like spam and away it went. I was a bit more curious with the second and discovered that she is in the same line of work as I but in Scotland. I don't know whether to feel sorry for her or feel concerned that people are following me - or maybe someone has hacked my Twitter account and they are posting something interesting that I should be following........
Blogging, Twittering, Facebooking, YouTubing, conspiracies all to drive the Post Office out of business - But that's okay, since we don't need the mail anymore, the Post Office employees can run the National Health Care system when it starts.......
Well this past week I have received two notifications that someone is stalking me via Twitter. They must be really bored, and since I don't even remember my log-in to Twitter, they are going to be even more bored waiting for me to Tweet.
I don't remember the first person who decided to follow me, I just treated it like spam and away it went. I was a bit more curious with the second and discovered that she is in the same line of work as I but in Scotland. I don't know whether to feel sorry for her or feel concerned that people are following me - or maybe someone has hacked my Twitter account and they are posting something interesting that I should be following........
Blogging, Twittering, Facebooking, YouTubing, conspiracies all to drive the Post Office out of business - But that's okay, since we don't need the mail anymore, the Post Office employees can run the National Health Care system when it starts.......
March 16, 2009
Happy St. Patrick's Day
Ta Da!!! It's here!!! Finally, after 16 torteous days (and some of those jokes are torteous) we are rewarded with a day unlike all others. It is expected that the Irish have a good time today - of course the world is disappointed if any day passes when the Irish don't have a good time. But today, unlike other days, they will forgive us for our revelry, pardon our boisterousness, and may even look the other way if we spill a drop or two.
The day will begin with strong coffee, perhaps with a bit of something special if you don't have to go to work - what the heck, it's St. Patrick's Day, even if you do have to go to work, the boss is sure to look the other way just this once. For lunch, treat yourself to something filling that goes well with Guiness - and the only thing I've found that doesn't go well with Guiness is Peanut Butter and Jelly (don't ask....I've got kids ye know). As the day progresses, make sure that you know your surroundings, especially the path to the restroom, double especially if you've got that "old man bladder."
In the evening, it's got to be corned beef and cabbage washed down with generous amounts of the Mother's Milk (The cabbage, combined with Guiness is sure to be a hit with the global warming crowd - enjoy it while you can before they tax the Irish for extra green house gases). Then, it's off to the pub, or two, or three.....There are songs to be sung, glasses to be raised, crowds to be squished by, and stories to be told, oh so many stories to be told - feel free to use any that you might have seen here.
As the day comes to a close, thank your bartender and hug your waitress (or vice versa) in appreciation of the fine time you had. Be generous with your tip as they have endured some who are not so gracious as yourself. If you're driving....say a prayer, if you've got a designated driver, be a sport and by them breakfast on the way home. When you are home, safe and sound, don't be tempted by the thought of a night cap - you're going to bed, another drink at this point won't do a thing but make you snore louder. And in the morning, when you rise to find that your pajamas are on backwards, your shoes are on and on the wrong feet, and there is a mysterious smell in every room that you walk into, think back on what a fine 17 days it has been - and start planning for next year!
A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."
A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."
A black, black night it was as Mick made his way homeward from the pub. Suddenly he heard a small voice crying for help and so, full of Guinness and good will to all men, he followed the sound 'til he came across the small figure of a leprechaun with his foot caught under a large stone. Mick freed the green-clad little fellow, helped him gently to his feet and made sure all was well.
"Good sir," said the leprechaun, bowing stiffly and low, "I am in your debt and wish to repay yer kindness. I would deem it a favor if ye'd accept three fairy wishes."
"Shure now that would be foine," said Mick.
"Make a wish then," said the little man, "and whatever ye want, 'twill be granted."
"Oi wish Oi had a bottle of stout," said Mick.
No sooner were the words spoken than a bottle appeared in Mick's hand. Gently he unscrewed the top and supped the bottle.
"Sir," interrupted the leprechaun, "I don't mean to be rushing ye, but I must get on and ye still have two more wishes to make."
"Well," said Mick, "Oi wish this bottle would never be empty."
"Done," said the manikin.
Mick had another swig and another and, sure enough, after each the bottle would replenish itself.
"Glory be," said Mick, dancing a small jig and supping some more.
"And what's your third wish?" the leprechaun inquired politely.
"Shure now," said Mick, waving his magic bottle, "Oi'll have another one of these."
In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."
Murphy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whiskey please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later Murphy shouts, "Another whiskey for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
Murphy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money."
With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though Murphy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whiskey for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs Murphy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"
The day will begin with strong coffee, perhaps with a bit of something special if you don't have to go to work - what the heck, it's St. Patrick's Day, even if you do have to go to work, the boss is sure to look the other way just this once. For lunch, treat yourself to something filling that goes well with Guiness - and the only thing I've found that doesn't go well with Guiness is Peanut Butter and Jelly (don't ask....I've got kids ye know). As the day progresses, make sure that you know your surroundings, especially the path to the restroom, double especially if you've got that "old man bladder."
In the evening, it's got to be corned beef and cabbage washed down with generous amounts of the Mother's Milk (The cabbage, combined with Guiness is sure to be a hit with the global warming crowd - enjoy it while you can before they tax the Irish for extra green house gases). Then, it's off to the pub, or two, or three.....There are songs to be sung, glasses to be raised, crowds to be squished by, and stories to be told, oh so many stories to be told - feel free to use any that you might have seen here.
As the day comes to a close, thank your bartender and hug your waitress (or vice versa) in appreciation of the fine time you had. Be generous with your tip as they have endured some who are not so gracious as yourself. If you're driving....say a prayer, if you've got a designated driver, be a sport and by them breakfast on the way home. When you are home, safe and sound, don't be tempted by the thought of a night cap - you're going to bed, another drink at this point won't do a thing but make you snore louder. And in the morning, when you rise to find that your pajamas are on backwards, your shoes are on and on the wrong feet, and there is a mysterious smell in every room that you walk into, think back on what a fine 17 days it has been - and start planning for next year!
A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?""I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A black, black night it was as Mick made his way homeward from the pub. Suddenly he heard a small voice crying for help and so, full of Guinness and good will to all men, he followed the sound 'til he came across the small figure of a leprechaun with his foot caught under a large stone. Mick freed the green-clad little fellow, helped him gently to his feet and made sure all was well.
"Good sir," said the leprechaun, bowing stiffly and low, "I am in your debt and wish to repay yer kindness. I would deem it a favor if ye'd accept three fairy wishes."
"Shure now that would be foine," said Mick.
"Make a wish then," said the little man, "and whatever ye want, 'twill be granted."
"Oi wish Oi had a bottle of stout," said Mick.
No sooner were the words spoken than a bottle appeared in Mick's hand. Gently he unscrewed the top and supped the bottle.
"Sir," interrupted the leprechaun, "I don't mean to be rushing ye, but I must get on and ye still have two more wishes to make."
"Well," said Mick, "Oi wish this bottle would never be empty."
"Done," said the manikin.
Mick had another swig and another and, sure enough, after each the bottle would replenish itself.
"Glory be," said Mick, dancing a small jig and supping some more.
"And what's your third wish?" the leprechaun inquired politely.
"Shure now," said Mick, waving his magic bottle, "Oi'll have another one of these."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whiskey please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later Murphy shouts, "Another whiskey for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
Murphy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money."
With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though Murphy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whiskey for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs Murphy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"
March 15, 2009
St. Patty's Eve
It's St. Patty's Day Eve!! The excitement is at a fever pitch. Have you dug up the song-sheets and started practicing? Find those old CDs that you put in the St. Patty's decorations box and hope the heat of the attic didn't melt them. It's the music and laughter that make the day. I've heard that some people don't particularly care for Irish music. Well, you probably should plan on staying home on Tuesday night.
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave.. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole.. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep..
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site.. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up..
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..
He got out...
Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says,
"I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says,
"That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"
Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."
Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave.. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole.. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep..
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site.. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up..
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..
He got out...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says,
"I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says,
"That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."
Day 15
The Sunday before St. Patty's is a day for celebration and parades in many of America's big cities. Only a few have the parade on the 17th, willing to tie-up traffic and in general kill the work cycle on a Tuesday. Here's hoping that the weather is grand in those cities having their celebration today. For the rest of us, it's time to deck the halls and put up the final trimmings, water the shamrocks and get the beer on ice.
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box.
She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box.
She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
March 13, 2009
Day 14
It's the Saturday before St. Patty's. That in itself is reason to be happy. Put on top of that that the temperature here in Central Florida is in the 80's, there are spring training games everywhere, the kids are playing baseball, the beaches are filled with party goers, friends from up North are visiting, the leaves have finally stopped falling and Spring has sprung!! At least that is how things are here, I can only hope that life wherever you are is just as enjoyable. If not, enjoy a laugh on me......
God then made man. The Italians for their beauty. The French for their cuisine. The Welsh for their voices. The Germans for their cars. And on and on until He looked at what He had created and said, "This is all very well, but no-one is having fun. I'll have to make an Irishman."
Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people."
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"
Paddy had a wee bit too much and was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. The policeman walks up and says, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Paddy asks, "Ossifer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Paddy says, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."
Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."
The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Same as mine. Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."
God then made man. The Italians for their beauty. The French for their cuisine. The Welsh for their voices. The Germans for their cars. And on and on until He looked at what He had created and said, "This is all very well, but no-one is having fun. I'll have to make an Irishman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people."
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy had a wee bit too much and was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. The policeman walks up and says, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Paddy asks, "Ossifer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Paddy says, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Same as mine. Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."
March 12, 2009
Lucky 13
It's the Friday before St. Patty's Day!! And as happens every so often, it is Friday the 13th. Of course all of you have been blessed with the luck of the Irish just by reading these daily bulletins. You have been reading every day, haven't you???? Also, as the weekend before the grand day arrives it is time for.....Dress Rehearsal! I'm sure you're just like me and every day you stare in the closet wondering just which green outfit to wear. :) Well, pick out something nice for the weekend celebrations, but leave the green formal wear for Tuesday!
Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let the Catholics across?"
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"
A Belfast newspaper once reported the launching of an aircraft carrier and recorded: 'The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea.'
"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"
Dugan, in a decidedly tipsy state, boarded a bus and sat down in front of a minister reading the evening paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven," bawled Dugan. "I ain't -hic- goin' to heaven!"
The minister continued to read his paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven 'cause there ain't no heaven!!"
"Well, go to hell then," said the preacher. "But be quiet about it!"
Murphy walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says Murphy.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
Murphy then goes outside and tells Seamus that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. Seamus rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon Seamus goes into the street, sees Paddy, and tells him how to get free drinks. Paddy hurries into the bar and begins to drink shot after shot of fine Irish Whiskey.
Suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," Paddy responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let the Catholics across?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Belfast newspaper once reported the launching of an aircraft carrier and recorded: 'The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dugan, in a decidedly tipsy state, boarded a bus and sat down in front of a minister reading the evening paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven," bawled Dugan. "I ain't -hic- goin' to heaven!"
The minister continued to read his paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven 'cause there ain't no heaven!!"
"Well, go to hell then," said the preacher. "But be quiet about it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says Murphy.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
Murphy then goes outside and tells Seamus that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. Seamus rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon Seamus goes into the street, sees Paddy, and tells him how to get free drinks. Paddy hurries into the bar and begins to drink shot after shot of fine Irish Whiskey.
Suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," Paddy responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
March 11, 2009
Day 12
With St. Patrick's Day falling on a Tuesday this year, people are asking me, "What day will the celebration and parties be?" Of course I look at them carefully and wonder what it is they don't understand about the calendar.....I'm sure that there will be a few hearty souls who will insist on celebrating a bit early and perhaps singing an Irish song or two, hoisting a few pints with friends, or even sipping a bit of their favorite Irish Whiskey. And I have only one thing to say to you if this is in your plans, "Where are you going to be?"
Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the mental hospital and he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
“It’s windy,” said one.
“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.
“So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and have a drink.”
A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”
The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the train is always running late, anyway.”
The man then said, “It certainly will be today - I’m the driver!”
Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in downtown Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly Father," said the man.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then the priest walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the mental hospital and he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.“It’s windy,” said one.
“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.
“So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and have a drink.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”
The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the train is always running late, anyway.”
The man then said, “It certainly will be today - I’m the driver!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in downtown Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly Father," said the man.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then the priest walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
March 10, 2009
Day 11
Less than a week to go!! I might have a tough time getting all of these jokes out there.
Father Lynch concludes Sunday Mass by telling the congregation, "Next Sunday I am going to speak on the subject of honesty. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."
The following Sunday, the good Father says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.
Father Lynch continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."
Seamus walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have. Seamus replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts."
Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order Seamus says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts."
Finally the bartender asks Seamus what trouble he's talking about.
Seamus says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you."
The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night."
Seamus says "Ohh, now the trouble starts...."
Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.
He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.
Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.
"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"
Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."
Reginald, an English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews.
The first interview was with Antonio. Antonio knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Reginald asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.
Reginald did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a Frenchman, Rene, and he was even better than the first. Reginald asked Rene the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," Rene said stammering, "you have no ears."
Reginald again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.
Reginald was wary of the last interview for it was with a young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. Reginald was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.
Sean began laughing uncontrollably and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!"
Father Lynch concludes Sunday Mass by telling the congregation, "Next Sunday I am going to speak on the subject of honesty. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."
The following Sunday, the good Father says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.
Father Lynch continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seamus walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have. Seamus replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts."
Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order Seamus says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts."
Finally the bartender asks Seamus what trouble he's talking about.
Seamus says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you."
The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night."
Seamus says "Ohh, now the trouble starts...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.
He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.
Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.
"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"
Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reginald, an English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews.
The first interview was with Antonio. Antonio knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Reginald asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.
Reginald did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a Frenchman, Rene, and he was even better than the first. Reginald asked Rene the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," Rene said stammering, "you have no ears."
Reginald again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.
Reginald was wary of the last interview for it was with a young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. Reginald was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.
Sean began laughing uncontrollably and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!"
March 9, 2009
Day 10
We are down to the last week. Seven short days between now and the grandest of days. Each year, as I add new friends and acquaintances to the list of recipients, I am asked, "What's the big deal about St. Patrick's Day?" Well, after I mutter to myself, "Damn heathen.." I realize that in this day of diverse cultures not everyone has had the opportunity to grow up experiencing the joys of Irish culture. The Irish, you see, are a race of people who hold love, laughter and friendship in higher regard than anything else. Does that mean that we don't fight? You must be daft!! But every fight ends with a laugh and a new found friendship. When we cry, it is accompanied by a song that is just bad enough to make you laugh. And when we drink, and we do drink on occasion, we create new songs and stories of past loves, laughs, and friendship. The Irish are not that different from other peoples, but it is best summed up by the words of one of Ireland's most talented and famous writers, Oscar Wilde, "Life is far too important to be taken seriously."
Please, if it is political correctness you are looking for, read the Congressional Record. But if you would like a smile with your reality, sit down with an Irishman.
Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''
''Why? Don't ye believe me?''
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "GO! GO! RUN LIKE HELL!"
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "GO! GO! RUN LIKE HELL!"
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.
After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "GO! GO! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"
The old farmer was getting ready for bed in his hotel when a lovely young girl in a see-through negligee bounced in.
"Pardon me," she said with confusion, "I've come to the wrong room."
"Not only that," the farmer sighed, "You're twenty years late."
"You're not Father Donlan. What are you doing there?"
"I'm the cleaning man, M'am."
"Well, where is Father Donlan?"
"I couldn't tell you, but if he heard anything like the stories I've been listening to, he's gone for the police."
Please, if it is political correctness you are looking for, read the Congressional Record. But if you would like a smile with your reality, sit down with an Irishman.
Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''
''Why? Don't ye believe me?''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "GO! GO! RUN LIKE HELL!"
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "GO! GO! RUN LIKE HELL!"
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.
After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "GO! GO! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The old farmer was getting ready for bed in his hotel when a lovely young girl in a see-through negligee bounced in.
"Pardon me," she said with confusion, "I've come to the wrong room."
"Not only that," the farmer sighed, "You're twenty years late."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Riley went into the confession box and was about to start when she noticed an unfamiliar face behind the shutter."You're not Father Donlan. What are you doing there?"
"I'm the cleaning man, M'am."
"Well, where is Father Donlan?"
"I couldn't tell you, but if he heard anything like the stories I've been listening to, he's gone for the police."
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