Day 10

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy stumbles into the front door of the pub and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."

A few minutes later Murphy comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink."

The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"

Five minutes later Murphy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk."

Murphy scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new pub opened-up in Ireland and it had mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night.

Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub – too inebriated to recognize the mirrors. He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”

Flanagan said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”
Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”
Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.’

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Day 9

Okay, this weekend is the final rehearsal. Go scope out the Irish bars now before they are too crowded to get a parking spot. Make sure that you establish a relationship with the bartender (that means tip big) so that they will recognize you next Saturday when it’s a bit more crowded. And practice up on those Irish standards, “When Irish Eyes are Smiling,” “Danny Boy,” “The Girl with the Black Velvet Band,” “McNamara’s Band,” “My Wild Irish Rose,” and of course, “It’s a Great Day for the Irish.” And if you happen to remember more than the chorus, they’ll think you just stepped off the boat….

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Day 8

For those of you in Central Florida today we have another opportunity for the Wearing O’ the Green. Downtown Sanford’s “Alive After 5” will be having their annual Celebrate the Irish evening. Live music and beer on the streets! There’s other crap too at these things but I haven’t really noticed what else there was……

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,

"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."

The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"

Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Police in the Republic of Ireland, the Garda, have been chasing a mysterious and impossible to find Polish driver who has apparently committed more than 50 motoring offences.

Officers had been puzzled how the mysterious "Prawo Jazdy" had always produced his documents, but each time with a different address.

They have now discovered the embarrassing truth after checking with the Polish embassy….. "Prawo Jazdy" is Polish for "driving license" and is printed on all Polish licenses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy, a pick pocket, was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Murphy you are hereby fined $100."

His lawyer was his brother Sean who stood up and said "Thanks, yer honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.

“It’s windy,” said one.

“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.

“So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and have a drink.”

Day 7

An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,

'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Day 6

The ritual of the Irish wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"
Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea, but we’ll need to fetch some chairs. "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me."

Murphy goes into the parlor and says to the people at the wake, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Lynch concludes Sunday Mass by telling the congregation, "Next Sunday I am going to speak on the subject of lying. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the good Father says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.

Father Lynch continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.

He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey was home from overseas with his wife and small daughter. They were going through the customs at the airport and the little girl watched the customs officer as he went through their luggage.

Suddenly she said to the customs man, "Keep going, you're getting warmer!"

Day 5

Monday after the parade is usually a day for recovery. In those towns who celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with civic pride on the day have the motto, “March the 17th, sleep the 18th.” And while the parade seemed a bit shorter than in years past, the kids came home with smiles and enough candy to undo all the good volunteering they did on Saturday for the Juvenile Diabetes fund…..

Dr. Haggerty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him,
"This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Haggerty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "Just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy was out shopping with his wife and had been at it for most of the afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her husband's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you"???

Her husband responds by saying: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw that diamond necklace which you totally fell in love with, and remember how I told you I didn't have much money at the time but said, 'Lass, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile in her voice, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to that place."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Day 4

Off to the Parade!!

Yes, it is Central Florida’s time to begin the celebration as the annual parade down Park Avenue happens this afternoon. Hope these get you in the mood…..

How did the custom of parading on St Patrick's Day emerge? It seems that battalions of Irish regiments in North America were the first to march on St Patrick's Day. This was, of course, a typical way for military servicemen to perform. But civilian forms of parading also gradually evolved on the 17th of March — particularly as the population of Irish immigrants grew rapidly in the post-Famine years. Various Irish fraternal groups, such as the Hibernians, as well as Catholic parishes and schools, either marched as a group or put together horse-drawn floats.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More about parading: which are the shortest and the longest parade roots? The longest parade in the world takes place in New York, with a route that stretches over four miles, while the shortest in Dripsey, County Cork, Ireland, which is a mere twenty yards long — simply a parade between two pubs.

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At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Toward the end of the Sunday Mass, the priest asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Priest then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named James O'Brien, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr.O'Brien, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. O'Brien, that is very unusual l. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. O'Brien, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old Irishman tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."

Day 3

For your Saturday afternoon.....

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Irish Quotes:

"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."

- Jonathan Swift

"I only drink on two occasions - When I am thirsty and when I'm not thirsty."

- Brendan Behan

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."

- Irish Soccer superstar George Best

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bagpipes and called it music."

- source unknown

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A woman from Co. Kerry hired three men to move her furniture. When she saw two of them struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the third fellow was. “Oh, he’s in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Day 2

My friends are quite helpful year round as they forward to me any Irish jokes that come their way. I have to admit, 90% of them I have seen before, but I have received a few gems and I happily share them with you.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up whiskey for Lent".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly hag he's runnin' around with.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Happy St. Patty's Month!

Hello and welcome to my countdown, the 17 days of Irish. Nothing too serious, something to smile about. Plenty of old jokes, and hopefully a few that you have not seen before. So, let's begin:

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big rummage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, cut the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now the teacher was starting to smile - this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, they all answered, "NO!" Bursting with pride for them, the teacher continued:

"So, how can I get into Heaven?" Five-year-old Sean shouted out, "YOU HAVE TO BE DEAD."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rich American couldn't undertand why the Irish angler was lying lazily beside his boat on the beach, smoking a pipe. "Why aren't you out fishing?" asked the American.

"Because I have caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman.

"Why don't you catch some more?"

"What would I do with them?"

"You could sell them and make more money," was the American's reply. "With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats . . . maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me."

"What would I do then?" asked the fisherman.

"Then you could really enjoy life." said the American.

"And what do you suppose I might be doing right now?" said the Irishman, smiling and puffing away on his pipe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.

Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."

"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."

"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

I figured it out!

Well this is going to get me in trouble with some, but what the heck, it's an election year....

I finally figured out the liberal brain. I could always understand women with a liberal view point. Maternal instincts feel that everything can be solved with a hug. The government is your Mom to them and everyone should do everything possible to keep Mom happy.

But what about the liberal male? No, I'm not talking about the male union member who votes Democrat, that's not liberal, that is merely supporting your business and business agent. I'm talking about the male liberal - how can any red-blooded male be wired this way?

I came across an article on Klinefelter's Syndrome. What is Klinefelter's Syndrome? Well, it is that occurrence when a male has too many X Chromosomes. Don't laugh, this is serious stuff....

So from now on, when I meet a male who expresses his pleasure with Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid - or the general idea that living like the French is a good idea, he will be known as a Klinefelter...

Had I known that this was a condition, and not a choice, I would be much more sympathetic.....

Merry Christmas

So I received a gift from my Dad this week and it brought quite a smile to my face. Since Dad passed away about 8 years ago, this calls for an explanation.

A box came to the house and assuming it was a gift for the kids from relatives "up North" I only opened it enough to see if the contents were wrapped. They were not, so I put it aside.

I opened it this morning and the mysterious box included a very nice Cutter & Buck glass bar set, rocks glasses and an ice tray with a letter from Old Forester thanking me for sharing my story with them.

I had forgotten about it, but a few months back, I entered a contest that Old Forester was sponsoring about the first time I tried their whiskey. So I related a story from many years ago, when I was in my mid 20s, and it was the first time I was in a bar with my Dad.

I don't remember the bar, or why it was just the two of us. I was "old enough" now, so I didn't want to just order a beer and I ordered a Bourbon and Coke. Dad taught me some valuable lessons that evening.

"Do you drink Bourbon and Coke often?" he asked.

"Sometimes," I said, "when I'm not having a beer."

"Well," he began, "you probably won't listen, but here is something to remember. Never order just Bourbon unless you know what their house brand is. Look in the well, the house Bourbon here is Old Forester, which is a good well whiskey. Don't mix whiskey with Coke, the sugar will either get you sick or give you a hangover. Mix with water if you're mixing. And always ask the bartender his name before you order. He'll treat you right if you treat him right."

I finished my Bourbon and Coke and had my first Bourbon and water afterwards - after introducing myself to the bartender (I think his name was Mike). Along with my order I asked him to give Dad another Vodka tonic. It took some getting used to at first, but I couldn't let on that the lack of sugar was stronger than my young palate was interested in.

Well I don't have the heart to Old Forester that I prefer Jim Beam now as my every day whiskey (and Irish whiskey for special occasions) but I will toast them, and the many lessons my Dad taught me, in my Christmas surprise.

Thanks Ol'Fo, and here's to you Pop!

Merry Christmas

Commitment

So this new phase in life has me consistently puzzled. Dealing with my kids is quite easy. They are boys, they enjoy games with action violence and thrills. They like activities that involve dirt, fire, speed, noise, unexpected results, shock/surprise of others, combat, real or fantasized, and the expenditure of funds from any source but their own pocket.

But this adult stuff is remarkable in its absurdity. The cohorts at the bar speak of attorneys when they should speak of football players, they comment on financial markets when they should comment on the flirtations of the finer sex, and they wax ad nauseum on the finer points of online dating when they should be discussing golf shots.

But my own troubles, at least the minor ones that come to mind this week are on the view point of commitment. I am not in any frame of mind to make a commitment of any sorts to a woman these days, but I am willing to display unwavering support and dedication. To that end, I decided to leave as such a token, a bottle of fine whiskey at the home of a regular friend so that I would be able to partake of this elixir during my regular visits. Anyone who knows me would open eyes wide in appreciation of this gesture, knowing well that this is not a trivial matter but something that would be cause for affirmation of intentions.

Alas..... some do not understand..... and thus, after a brief few days - without even given the chance to sample that fine....very fine....container of spirits....I have been cast aside by the fickle nature of the fairer sex..... Damn, I'm going to miss that whiskey....

Sillyness

Okay, I have been having fun with Facebook, posting nonsense and espousing trivial balderdash. But it wouldn't let me add a picture to a comment. So, I will add a link to this picture..... The Evil Little Toaster - known to cause more deaths than Lightning!!!!

Father's Day

I had a wonderful Father's Day. Not the standard fare of enjoying some cards from the kids, or even a round of golf with my favorite foursome of Eric, Ryan, Adam, and I. Instead, I took a road trip to Alabama.....

We didn't have enough parents who could volunteer to take time off to take our Scouts to summer camp. So, being the guy who can't say no I helped out by offering to drive.....to Birmingham....and back again. We took in the sights, which primarily consisted of highway billboards for Cafe Risque (We Bare All) which figured prominently in the decision by the younger Scouts to read every billboard along the way. My fellow volunteer Dad and I had tears in our eyes as these guys laughed and did their best Beavis and Butthead imitation for each of the more than 20 billboards along the road. And just when I thought it was all behind us we entered Georgia and the first billboard they read aloud said, "Strippers, Need we say more?"

These little trips through reality keep me laughing and learning.

March the 17th, sleep the 18th

The Donegal definition of a hangover: "Something occupying a head that wasn't used the night before."

Alas, the St. Patty's season has ended. I hope you enjoyed this years countdown and hopefully you will look forward to March 1, 2012.

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Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.

Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "Go, Go, Go!!"

A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "Go, Go, Go!!"

Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.

After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "Go, Go, Go!!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.

So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I hope you have enjoyed this special countdown to this fun little holiday. I trust that today you will wear a bit of green, and maybe even share a drink and a story with an Irishman or even an honorary Irishman. Slainte!

All irishmen should live so long as to be this kind of old man! Toward the end of the Sunday Mass, the priest asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Priest then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named James O'Brien, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr.O'Brien, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. O'Brien, that is very unusual l. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. O'Brien, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old irishman tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived all the sons of bitches."

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O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile to his lips.

"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly. "Give me just a small bit of that stuff you're cookin."

"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly. "I'm savin' it for the wake!"

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Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

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When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly,

"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

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A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"

The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."

And the gunman chuckles, "Why I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

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One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.

"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.

"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.

"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.

"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.

The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him."

Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"

The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!"

Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!"

"OVER HERE, BY YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.

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Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.

Father Murphy said, “Thank you, but I’m not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then, I say a young fellow coming along with a nice, large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I’d ask him to share it with me.

I stepped out from the doorway and said, ‘Where are you going with that umbrella?’ And he dropped the darned thing and ran off.”

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“Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”

“I’ve got no wife or children.”

“Then think of your parents.”

“I don’t have any parents.”

“Then think of St. Patrick!!”

“Who’s St. Patrick?”

“Jump, ya bastard!”

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O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggles to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."

St. Paddy's Eve

Day 16

The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects.

Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"

Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea! "

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

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Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in downtown Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

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Father O’Malley was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon young Sean trying to sell a lawnmower.

“Now son, how much ye be wantin’ for the mower?”" asked the good Father.

“Father, I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the priest asked, “Will ye take me bike in trade for it?”

Sean said, “You got a deal, Father!”

Father O’Malley took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. He called the little boy over and said, “I can't get this mower to start.”

The young Irisher said, “That's 'cause ya have to cuss at it to get it started.”

Father O’Malley said, “I'm a man of the Church, and I can't be speakin’ that way. It's been so long that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss.”

Young Sean was happily riding away and looked back at him and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!”

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Father O’Malley, and Rabbi Levine are involved in a car accident. As they both exit their cars and wobble toward the side of the road. Rabbi Levine says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”

Father O’Malley asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”

Rabbi Levine replies, “Yes. I am just shaken a little is all.”

The father withdraws a flask of whiskey from his coat saying, "Here, Rabbi. Drink some of this. It will calm your nerves."

The Rabbi gratefully accepts the flask, drinking it down while saying, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"

“Well," Father O’Malley replies, "I don't know what you’re apt to be telling them. But I'll be telling them I wasn't the one drinking."

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An American walks into McCafferty's Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.

"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks, "If you don't mind my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"

To which Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Day 15

Day 15

Beware the ides of March....the jokes get worse......

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

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Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

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Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland. One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?"

The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?"

The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself." So the trainer gave him a piece.

When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"

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Muldoon was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' Muldoon asked.

His wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

Muldoon then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later Muldoon is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness he asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied,'Your horse phoned.'

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O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Day 14

Day 14

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

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A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

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An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.

The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave him her license.

The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

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His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

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The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.

"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." say Seamus.

So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"