Day 14

It's the Saturday before St. Patty's. That in itself is reason to be happy. Put on top of that that the temperature here in Central Florida is in the 80's, there are spring training games everywhere, the kids are playing baseball, the beaches are filled with party goers, friends from up North are visiting, the leaves have finally stopped falling and Spring has sprung!! At least that is how things are here, I can only hope that life wherever you are is just as enjoyable. If not, enjoy a laugh on me......


God then made man. The Italians for their beauty. The French for their cuisine. The Welsh for their voices. The Germans for their cars. And on and on until He looked at what He had created and said, "This is all very well, but no-one is having fun. I'll have to make an Irishman."

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Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people."
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy had a wee bit too much and was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. The policeman walks up and says, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Paddy asks, "Ossifer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Paddy says, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."

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The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Same as mine. Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

Lucky 13

It's the Friday before St. Patty's Day!! And as happens every so often, it is Friday the 13th. Of course all of you have been blessed with the luck of the Irish just by reading these daily bulletins. You have been reading every day, haven't you???? Also, as the weekend before the grand day arrives it is time for.....Dress Rehearsal! I'm sure you're just like me and every day you stare in the closet wondering just which green outfit to wear. :) Well, pick out something nice for the weekend celebrations, but leave the green formal wear for Tuesday!


Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let the Catholics across?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Belfast newspaper once reported the launching of an aircraft carrier and recorded: 'The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dugan, in a decidedly tipsy state, boarded a bus and sat down in front of a minister reading the evening paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven," bawled Dugan. "I ain't -hic- goin' to heaven!"
The minister continued to read his paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven 'cause there ain't no heaven!!"
"Well, go to hell then," said the preacher. "But be quiet about it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says Murphy.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
Murphy then goes outside and tells Seamus that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. Seamus rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon Seamus goes into the street, sees Paddy, and tells him how to get free drinks. Paddy hurries into the bar and begins to drink shot after shot of fine Irish Whiskey.

Suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," Paddy responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Day 12

With St. Patrick's Day falling on a Tuesday this year, people are asking me, "What day will the celebration and parties be?" Of course I look at them carefully and wonder what it is they don't understand about the calendar.....I'm sure that there will be a few hearty souls who will insist on celebrating a bit early and perhaps singing an Irish song or two, hoisting a few pints with friends, or even sipping a bit of their favorite Irish Whiskey. And I have only one thing to say to you if this is in your plans, "Where are you going to be?"



Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the mental hospital and he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

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Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
“It’s windy,” said one.
“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.
“So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and have a drink.”

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A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”
The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the train is always running late, anyway.”
The man then said, “It certainly will be today - I’m the driver!”

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Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in downtown Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly Father," said the man.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then the priest walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake.

He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

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Day 11

Less than a week to go!! I might have a tough time getting all of these jokes out there.


Father Lynch concludes Sunday Mass by telling the congregation, "Next Sunday I am going to speak on the subject of honesty. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the good Father says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.

Father Lynch continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

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Seamus walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have. Seamus replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts."

Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order Seamus says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts."

Finally the bartender asks Seamus what trouble he's talking about.
Seamus says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you."

The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night."
Seamus says "Ohh, now the trouble starts...."

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Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.

He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

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One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.

Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.

"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

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Reginald, an English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews.

The first interview was with Antonio. Antonio knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Reginald asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.
Reginald did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a Frenchman, Rene, and he was even better than the first. Reginald asked Rene the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," Rene said stammering, "you have no ears."
Reginald again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.

Reginald was wary of the last interview for it was with a young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. Reginald was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.

Sean began laughing uncontrollably and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!"

Day 10

We are down to the last week. Seven short days between now and the grandest of days. Each year, as I add new friends and acquaintances to the list of recipients, I am asked, "What's the big deal about St. Patrick's Day?" Well, after I mutter to myself, "Damn heathen.." I realize that in this day of diverse cultures not everyone has had the opportunity to grow up experiencing the joys of Irish culture. The Irish, you see, are a race of people who hold love, laughter and friendship in higher regard than anything else. Does that mean that we don't fight? You must be daft!! But every fight ends with a laugh and a new found friendship. When we cry, it is accompanied by a song that is just bad enough to make you laugh. And when we drink, and we do drink on occasion, we create new songs and stories of past loves, laughs, and friendship. The Irish are not that different from other peoples, but it is best summed up by the words of one of Ireland's most talented and famous writers, Oscar Wilde, "Life is far too important to be taken seriously."

Please, if it is political correctness you are looking for, read the Congressional Record. But if you would like a smile with your reality, sit down with an Irishman.


Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''

''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.

Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "GO! GO! RUN LIKE HELL!"

A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "GO! GO! RUN LIKE HELL!"
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.

After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "GO! GO! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.

So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The old farmer was getting ready for bed in his hotel when a lovely young girl in a see-through negligee bounced in.
"Pardon me," she said with confusion, "I've come to the wrong room."
"Not only that," the farmer sighed, "You're twenty years late."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Riley went into the confession box and was about to start when she noticed an unfamiliar face behind the shutter.
"You're not Father Donlan. What are you doing there?"
"I'm the cleaning man, M'am."
"Well, where is Father Donlan?"
"I couldn't tell you, but if he heard anything like the stories I've been listening to, he's gone for the police."

Day 9

For those of you in Central Florida, I hope you made it to the parade yesterday. It was a perfect day and the participants and spectators were equally festive. With pipers, dancers, and proud Irish Americans as far as the eye could see, it was a glorius day.

To keep us all in the mood.......

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

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There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says, "Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed." Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself." "No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya." Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! O.K., o.k. I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!! Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go." The keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!" Patty answers, No, no, no, I've got to go.

Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go passed the pub once again, they start in again, "Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!! Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go. They beg, "C'mon boy, just one." Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."

It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch. "Oh No!! I've got to go!!" Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells, "Patty! It's after 11 o'clock! What took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?" Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims,

"Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"

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The game warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus.
So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"

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An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

Day 8

With only 10 days to go, let's learn a bit of history about the day....Why the 17th of March? This is widely believed to be the day that Patrick died. In its early years, the 17th of March was named the "Festival of St Patrick's Falling Asleep". It involved religious sermons about the life and work of Patrick, followed by celebratory activities, such as dancing, music, and perhaps even a little drinking.


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."
Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.
Father Murphy said, "Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me. I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?' And he dropped the darned thing and ran."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flanagan came home at four o'clock in the morning half drunk, and all his wages spent. His wife said, "How did you spend all your wages?"
He said, "I bought something for the house."
She said, "What could you buy for the house that cost so much?"
He said, "Eight rounds of drinks."

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Applications for jobs on a government dam project had to take a written examination. The first question was: What does hydrodynamics meant?
Casey, who was an applicant, hesitated for a moment, then wrote, "It means that I don't get the job."

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Day 7

It's the weekend and that new bottle of Jameson's is tempting me so much that a wee drop might be good for the soul.

I've dug deep into the collection for some of these, I hope they make you chuckle :)

Said the lost balloonist to Casey in the field, "Ahoy below, where am I?"
Casey shouted up to him, "You can't fool me, yer up there in that little basket!"

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Young Ryan was staying with his Grandmother, and she was having great difficulty getting him to wash his face every morning.
The Granny said, "When I was your age I used to wash my face three times a day."
Young Ryan said, "Yes, and look at it now."

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The doctor said to Flanagan, "The best thing for you to do is to give up drinking and smoking."
Flanagan said, "What's the second best thing?"

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Casey was home from overseas with his wife and small daughter. They were going through the customs at the airport and the little girl watched the customs officer as he went through their luggage.
Suddenly she said to the customs man, "Keep going, you're getting warmer!"

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Muldoon came home after a hard day working on the land. He found the house in a complete mess, and there was no dinner ready.
"What's wrong?" he asked his wife.
She said, "Do you remember this morning, when you asked me what on earth I did here all day? Well today I didn't do it."

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Grannie Hennessey was 90 and her eyesight was beginning to fail. She was staying with her son and family. One day whe wasn't feeling well, so Hennessey sent for the doctor who came and examined her. The doctor came down stairs and said, "There's nothing to worry about, Grannie is in good shape for her age."

Hennessey's wife dashed upstairs and gave Grannie the good news and told her the doctor said she's fine.

Grannie said, "Oh, that was a doctor......I thought he was a bit familiar for a priest."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


O'Toole volunteered to take care of the children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to be and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. At 10:00 the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien.

She asked if her son was there. O'Toole said, "No."

Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey's daughter had invited her boyfriend to their house and Casey was showing the young man his garden. The young man was impressed with the flowers and vegetables and said, "How do you get such lovely vegetables and flowers?"
Casey said, "Buckets of manure."

The daughter listening said to her mother, "Ma I wish you'd get Dad to say fertilizer instead of manure."

The mother said, "My poor child, it's taken me 10 years to get him to say manure."

Day 6

I hope that this first week of the St. Patty's humor epistles has been enjoyable. The most difficult part of this is deciding which jokes to share. Believe it or not, I have way more than I lay out here each year. Hopefully some of these are ones that are new or at least not too old :)


One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.
"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.
"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.
The wife, slightly angry now, says,
"Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of
the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out,
"Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"
The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again,
"WHERE?!"
"Over here, on your swing set!" the drunk yells back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey and Flanagan went mountain climbing in the Alps and got cut off by an avalanche.
They were sheltering on a ledge when they saw a St. Bernard coming, with a little keg of brandy hanging around his neck.
Flanagan said, "Look! Here comes man's best friend."
Casey said, "And look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

On the 5th day of St. Patty's, the wee folk gave to me......

The thing about Irish jokes, at least good Irish jokes, is that they are close to real life - or at least plausible. I don't much go for the "dumb" jokes as they don't really describe the Irish, they just show our good nature and ability to laugh at ourselves. But be advised that if you persist on sharing your "dumb" Irish jokes, you may stumble across another well documented Irish characteristic, and I don't mean our willingness to buy a round of drinks.....


In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.

"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.

"Next?"

"Two glasses of whiskey."

"Next?"

"One glass of brandy."

"Next?"

"A fight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,

"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."

The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"

Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An 80-year-old Irishmen goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

“I'm Irish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of Whiskey and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Irish golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little whiskey and that's why he's still alive. He's Irish and he's a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Irish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,

'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Day 4

With less than 2 weeks to go, I implore you to get your shopping finished early. Even with the recession we are battling, there is sure to a run on the essential staples of life around this time of year - Irish Whiskey, corned beef, cabbage and tacky green shirts :)



Mrs. Casey had reached the grand age of 104. She was the oldest living being in County Cork. The newspaper sent a reporter to interview the old woman about her longevity.

"Have you ever been bedridden?" asked the newsman.
"Oh, many times," replied Mrs. Casey. "An' once in a canoe, too!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy had just come off the boat into New York and spent the first few days just wandering about the city. One afternoon he walked into a saloon and saw a sign behind tghe bar that read: ALL THE BEER YOU CAN DRINK FOR $1

"Okay, bartender," said Paddy. "Gimme two dollars worth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Callahan was at a pitch of fervor in his sermon on drinking. "What could be worse than drink?" he boomed.
"Thirst!" shouted Hannigan from the rear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," Katie said.
"How many," Murphy asked, "are you going to marry?"

This one is one of the classics.....

Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

Day 3 - Some Irish Quotes

As you may, or may not know, we Irish like to talk a lot. Just to get a feel for the Irish mystique, here are some quotes regarding the Irish:

"We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English."
- Winston Churchill

"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift

"I only drink on two occasions - When I am thirsty and when I'm not thirsty."
- Brendan Behan

"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."
- Sigmund Freud (speaking about the Irish)

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
- Irish Soccer superstar George Best

"I used to go missing quite alot...Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World."
- George Best

"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
- Brendan Behan

"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
- Quentin Crisp

"The most important thing to remember about drunks is that drunks are far more intelligent than non-drunks. They spend a lot of time talking in pubs, unlike workaholics who concentrate on their careers and ambitions, who never develop their higher spiritual values, who never explore the insides of their head like a drunk does."
- Shane MacGowen, lead singer/songwriter for The Pogues.

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bagpipes and called it music."
- source unknown

"Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf."
- Irish saying


Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- Flannery O’Connor, Irish Writer


Of course it wouldn't be a daily joke entry if I didn't provide you with some true Irish jokes. Rather than provide you with more of my archive entries, I want to expose you to the wit, wisdom, and Irish humor of one of the Emerald Isle's best comedians. I point you in the direction of Tommy Tiernan.

And just so you don't feel cheated.......

A woman from Co. Kerry hired three men to move her furniture. When she saw two of them struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the third fellow was. “Oh, he’s in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling!”

Day 2

The first Monday in March is the official warm-up day for St. Patrick's Month. It's time to make sure that your stock of Irish Whiskey is ample. Have you got that all important date lined up for the big day? More importantly, have you got that more important designated driver lined up?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Garda (the Irisher term for the police), a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.

"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.

"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"

"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.

"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.

"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing. "...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly, "Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ritual of the Irish wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. His neighbor Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"

Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea! "

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

Happy St. Patrick's Month 2009

It's Time!! The 2009 edition of the St. Patty's Month build up is happening. You will find some new, many old, some laughers, and some groaners, but hopefully all that depict the Irish Spirit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do hope you will enjoy these next 17 days!!

I Shouldn't Have Laughed

I didn't think.... I thought it was funny and I didn't have my "Yes Dear" shield on. Of course it's my fault......

My lovely wife was reading me an e-mail from the Sierra Club. I had just come home from work and had not yet turned off my rational thought mechanism that I use throughout the day and had yet to activate my silent husband mode. After all, I work with engineers....all kinds of engineers: transportation, architectural, civil, structural, even environmental, but I can always speak freely - and disagreements are typically based on facts. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong, sometimes we just have differences of opinion. It's always cordial and always polite.

But I slipped up and as she read aloud that the Sierra Club was anxious to undo the 8 years of environmental crimes committed by the Bush administration, I laughed, nearly choked on my garlic bread and said, "Congress has been making the laws for the last 8 years, not George Bush...." It was too late....the Redhead with a Cause couldn't believe that I would defend a Republican.

Now it's not like I've been hiding the fact that I'm a Republican from her for all these years. We've been canceling each others votes out forever. And I have no idea why she decided to share with me what the Sierra Club had to offer. Perhaps she thought that some mind-altering message had been transmitted from Washington since the inauguration and that now everyone would agree on everything.

When will I learn? I have to remember to leave my brain in the driveway.....I guess I should look into martinis as my father did, that should help me act less rationally.

Directions

I went to Tampa for work on Monday and used the opportunity to hoist a few beers with Sarg, my college roomate. We met at one of his local watering holes and shared the BS for a while.

The conversation was typical - sports, wives, kids, young girls - and interupted only by the barmaid's discussion of tatoos......
........."Well, I do have one more here," she said, pointing innocently at her hip....."But we can't see that"..... "Oh, I don't mind, I'll show you.....

-And she did!! And the other barmaid had to show us where she had one removed! It took several long hard looks before we were convinced that the 8 laser treatments did the job...All in all it was the perfect cocktail hour for two dirty old men...

But I had to drive back to Orlando so Sarg provided me with directions home.....

....."Come out of the parking lot here into this mess of traffic and turn right at Fowler. Take it to 30th street - you can't miss it, and you'll drive past a few gas stations, a Hooters and....." And I never heard another word.....How could I get lost with such an easy to identify landmark along the way? And I was certain that out in front of Hooters there would be a big sign that said, "Hey Mooney, the Interstate is just up ahead."

It only took me 2 U-turns to finally drive past the Hooters without any idea of what lie ahead - or if this was the specific Hooters that Sarg had in mind. But what the heck, Florida isn't that wide, if I reach water, I just turn around and head back....

I finally relented and asked for directions - from my Blackberry. I found the Interstate and headed home. I was getting hungry though - "Hey look - there's a Hooters up ahead......"

Farmers vs. Bankers

A coworker scheduled an early meeting, and by early I mean at a time before I typically leave to drive into work. So I had to respond with a gentle and humorous explanation......

I break people down into 2 classifications, Farmers and Bankers, based on when they are most productive. Farmers are most productive early in the day, get most of their work done before breakfast, love to get up before the sun and get to the office early - and not just to get a good parking spot.

Bankers, on the other hand, realize that there are all of these farmers out there trying to get everything done real early and that it is dangerous to get in their way. Bankers realize that no matter how early in the day you arrive, you're still going to have to stay late to get the work done. Bankers take late lunches, enjoy cocktails before dinner, are typically night owls, and they get to the office just late enough to get a good parking spot because one of the farmers has already left the office to go to a meeting.

When a friend saw this they told me I was describing Democrats (Farmers) and Republicans........

Dream Series

So it comes down to this.  I have been coaching Little League teams of various ages for 7 years now.  Each year I have insisted that the kids need to be the Rays to support a Florida team.  "You can’t cheer for your dad’s team," I tell them. "You are Florida kids and you need to become fans of Florida teams."  There was always one kid who would ask, "So why do we have to be the Rays (Devil Rays)? Why can’t we be the Marlins?"  My response is always the same, "Because my Dad is a Phillies fan so we can’t be the Marlins."

Now, after all these years, I’ve got 3 of my own boys (and of course, my Florida born wife) cheering against me.  I’ve made contacts in the Rays marketing office who have been kind enough to send my teams equipment and leftover trinkets and giveaways. This past spring they made a significant contribution to our Little League after thieves broke into to our concession stand. This year there is a World Series that will interest my friends and family since so many of them know my plight – a Phillies fan who has been supporting the Rays since their inception. Just who will he root for?

I hope it goes 7 games with long balls, great defense, stolen bases and non-stop excitement.  I hope the media discovers the young ball players and seasoned managers who were overlooked last Spring as the focus remained on the usual suspects.

My living room is adorned with my now deceased dad’s Phillies jersey that he would wear to watch big games.  My kids are dressed in Devil Rays and TB Rays shirts and hats, dissing all of the Red Sox and Yankees fans they go to grade school with.
 
So who am I cheering for? I can honestly say that I will be happy whoever wins. But if it is at all telling, my computer desktop is a Rays logo. The Fall Classic is fun again……

Golfing with My Oldest Son

On the event of my son Eric’s 13th birthday, he expressed a desire to go golfing on a “Real” golf course rather than the Par 3 course we typically visit. It was quite a day and as you might imagine, he was more excited about the opportunity to drive the cart rather than play golf. As we approached the 1st Tee, I mentioned that he could hit from the Red tees as they were the Junior tees. He informed me that Uncle Rich said he should never ever hit from the Red Tees as they were only for girls. Thanks Uncle Rich, at least you didn’t share with him the penalty for not hitting your drive further than the Ladies tee.

During our round at the fine Twin Rivers golf course the 7th hole is an intimidating 175 yard Par 3 over water to an elevated “island” green (It only has water around 3 sides but it is referred to as the island green here). As Eric drove the cart up to the tee box – screeching the tires to a loud and typically Mooney entrance, he looked at the hole and very quietly asked if he could hit from the Red tees on this hole. This would still require him to have a 100 yard carry over the lake. I told him he could hit from the Junior tees at anytime. As we waited for the foursome on the green to finish, the gentleman occupying a sales tent on the tee box came over to tell us of his amazing offer – some discount card that we were not interested in. If we purchased a card we got a sleeve of balls. If we landed on the green, it was half-off the price, yada, yada, yada…..

The guy was a personable as a salesman can be and told Eric that if he made it over the water, he would give Eric a sleeve of balls, no obligation. This put even more pressure on the kid but he was excited to try. In typical Mooney fashion, he lined up his shot, aiming well left of the target. He made sure to keep his head down and began his swing with all of the strength and coordination his body could muster. As the gallery of two looked on the clubhead accelerated towards the ball, his body weight shifted, and the club followed a perfect arc, up through the warm Florida air, helicoptering 40 yards before shattering the quiet with a loud SPLASH! The ball sat atop the tee, untouched and still perfectly dry. The salesman and the young golfer looked at me in horror, wondering what my reaction would be…….And I let out my loudest laugh of a truly hysterical day just in time for another foursome to arrive at the tee box. The salesman gave Eric the sleeve of balls, thanking him for the best laugh he had in a while. Eric was Mooney enough to laugh at himself, take out his 3 Wood and promptly plunk one of his new balls into the drink. Before we left, the salesman asked Eric to pose for a picture than can be seen on his website.

And yes, I did clear the water and chipped up close enough to make par – and of course missed the putt……

Hot and Cold

It was quite a site. Warming and chilling at the same time......

It happened in downtown Orlando. As an over 50 married man, I rarely if ever see the night life of downtown. This occasion was only a return from a basketball game with the kids having parked away from the arena to save a few bucks.

As we made our way towards the car, up ahead I saw something that instantly awakened my libido. There, in the shadows of Pine Street were approaching some very long, shapely legs. These were not run of the mill ordinary limbs. These went on and on and on for what seemed like an eternity. And at the top of these legs were some very attractive torsos, topped by pretty young heads with meticulously arranged coiffures. I would guess that they were in their early 20s.

I don't know if they were very tall for their age, but that is the impression one gets when seeing legs go on that way. But before you get the feeling that I am obsessed with legs, let me mention what struck me as odd and perplexed me in the way that screams that I am now a parent.

Orlando in March can be a beautiful time of the year. In many cases, Spring has reached us and the weather is suitable for visits to the beach. This night was not one of those instances and the temperature was around 40. Now these pretty young girls must have had plans for quite some time to insist on wearing these particular outfits on this particular night because as hot as they looked, they were freezing their...legs off.

Their attire was, to say the least, flimsy. These dresses were the shortest I had ever seen outside of a strip club. (Not that I've been to one of those in eons either, but there are some memories that have not been blurred....) They were so short that as my 7 year old passed them I couldn't help but notice that his head was entirely below the hemline. My first thought was that they borrowed something from a little sister, but since all three of them shared the same style, I dismissed that thought as downright stupid. My next thought was, "How will they sit down?" but I determined that if their evening was successful, sitting was not something that was going to occur.

Of course there were no jackets, that would have ruined the effect. One can only hope that the warmth their vision brings to the male observer will reflect back in their direction as they wait in line outside of whatever nightclub they have targeted.

And my final thoughts, at least those that I am willing to share, was that I am ever so happy to have three boys. And I'm even happier for them that the miniskirt will never go away.....