Today's Irish Quote:
"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift
A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A black, black night it was as Mick made his way homeward from the pub. Suddenly he heard a small voice crying for help and so, full of Guinness and good will to all men, he followed the sound 'til he came across the small figure of a leprechaun with his foot caught under a large stone. Mick freed the green-clad little fellow, helped him gently to his feet and made sure all was well.
"Good sir," said the leprechaun, bowing stiffly and low, "I am in your debt and wish to repay yer kindness. I would deem it a favor if ye'd accept three fairy wishes."
"Shure now that would be foine," said Mick.
"Make a wish then," said the little man, "and whatever ye want, 'twill be granted."
"Oi wish Oi had a bottle of stout," said Mick.
No sooner were the words spoken than a bottle appeared in Mick's hand. Gently he unscrewed the top and supped the bottle.
"Sir," interrupted the leprechaun, "I don't mean to be rushing ye, but I must get on and ye still have two more wishes to make."
"Well," said Mick, "Oi wish this bottle would never be empty."
"Done," said the manikin.
Mick had another swig and another and, sure enough, after each the bottle would replenish itself.
"Glory be," said Mick, dancing a small jig and supping some more.
"And what's your third wish?" the leprechaun inquired politely.
"Shure now," said Mick, waving his magic bottle, "Oi'll have another one of these."
March 14, 2010
March 13, 2010
Day 13
Today's Irish Quote:
"When I get a very generous introduction like that, I explain that I'm emotionally moved, but on the other hand I'm Irish and the Irish are very emotionally moved. My mother is Irish and she cries during beer commercials."
- Former U.S. General Barry McCaffrey
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”
The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the train is always running late, anyway.”
The man then said, “It certainly will be today - I’m the driver!”
"When I get a very generous introduction like that, I explain that I'm emotionally moved, but on the other hand I'm Irish and the Irish are very emotionally moved. My mother is Irish and she cries during beer commercials."
- Former U.S. General Barry McCaffrey
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”
The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the train is always running late, anyway.”
The man then said, “It certainly will be today - I’m the driver!”
March 12, 2010
Day 12
Today's Irish Truth:
The English word "Whiskey" comes from the Gaelic "uisce beatha" (pronounced ish-kuh ba-ha) which means "water of life."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.
He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day.
He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.
Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.
"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"
Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Said the lost balloonist to Casey in the field, "Ahoy below, where am I?"
Casey shouted up to him, "You can't fool me, yer up there in that little basket!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
The English word "Whiskey" comes from the Gaelic "uisce beatha" (pronounced ish-kuh ba-ha) which means "water of life."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.
He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day.
He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.
Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.
"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"
Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Said the lost balloonist to Casey in the field, "Ahoy below, where am I?"
Casey shouted up to him, "You can't fool me, yer up there in that little basket!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
March 11, 2010
Day 11
Today's Irish Quote:
"Even if the ball was wrapped in bacon, Lassie couldn't find it."
Heard from an Irish caddie, after a particularly bad shot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Roman Catholic priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass."Good morning,' Mr. and
Mrs. O'Riley. “I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church.”
"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful",
said Mrs. O'Riley.
"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great basilica at the
Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."
Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs.
O'Riley, did you ever have any children?
"Deed I did , Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.
"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you.
"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Mr.O'Riley. Is he here?
"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a
sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying,
"Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and
his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a
couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'
O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come
Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile
to his lips.
"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly. "Give me just a small bit of that stuff
you're cookin."
"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly. "I'm savin' it for the wake!"
"Even if the ball was wrapped in bacon, Lassie couldn't find it."
Heard from an Irish caddie, after a particularly bad shot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Roman Catholic priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass."Good morning,' Mr. and
Mrs. O'Riley. “I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church.”
"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful",
said Mrs. O'Riley.
"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great basilica at the
Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."
Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs.
O'Riley, did you ever have any children?
"Deed I did , Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.
"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you.
"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Mr.O'Riley. Is he here?
"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a
sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying,
"Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and
his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a
couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'
O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come
Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile
to his lips.
"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly. "Give me just a small bit of that stuff
you're cookin."
"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly. "I'm savin' it for the wake!"
March 10, 2010
Day 10
Today's Irish Quote:
"Drinking is the only way to find out whether or not your neck leaks!"
Unknown
Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''
''Why? Don't ye believe me?''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.
He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." sayS Seamus. So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"
"Drinking is the only way to find out whether or not your neck leaks!"
Unknown
Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''
''Why? Don't ye believe me?''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.
He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." sayS Seamus. So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"
March 9, 2010
Day 9
Today's Irish Quote:
"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
Oscar Wilde
Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland. One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?"
The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?"
The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."
So the trainer gave him a piece.
When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions,
"Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side.
Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts, "Go, Go, Run!!"
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "Go, Go, Run!!"
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself,
"What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?"
This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time. After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side.
Now Paddy stands up and shouts "Go, Go, Run!!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.
"Next?"
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"Next?"
"One glass of brandy."
"Next?"
"A fight."
"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
Oscar Wilde
Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland. One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?"
The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?"
The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."
So the trainer gave him a piece.
When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions,
"Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side.
Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts, "Go, Go, Run!!"
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "Go, Go, Run!!"
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself,
"What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?"
This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time. After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side.
Now Paddy stands up and shouts "Go, Go, Run!!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.
"Next?"
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"Next?"
"One glass of brandy."
"Next?"
"A fight."
March 8, 2010
Day 8
Today's Irish Quote:
"A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way."
Dave Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking.
Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it.
Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.
"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.
"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.
The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"
The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!"
Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!"
"Over here, on your swing set!" the drunk yells back.
"A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way."
Dave Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking.
Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it.
Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.
"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.
"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.
The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"
The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!"
Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!"
"Over here, on your swing set!" the drunk yells back.
March 7, 2010
Day 7
It should be a fine day for a parade! Hope to see you on Park Avenue!
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.
Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got.
Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.
Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.
"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked,
"Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."
Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.
Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got.
Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.
Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.
"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked,
"Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."
Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
March 6, 2010
Day 6 - Weekend Edition
For you loyal followers who had the good sense to come here and check without an e-mail reminder, God love ya!!
Today's Irish Quote:
“Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.” - Oscar Wilde
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Timothy met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?"
"It was grand," said the priest. Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?"
And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"
Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?"
The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"
He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?"
The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?"
Then the priest said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"
He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all Winter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two friends Sean and Paddy were two of the biggest football fans in Ireland.
Their entire adult lives, Sean and Paddy discussed football history, and they pored over all the statistics. They went to all of the matches. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was football in heaven.
One summer night, Sean passed away in his sleep after watching a Manchester United victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Paddy awoke to the sound of Sean's voice from beyond.
"Sean, is that you?" Paddy asked.
"Of course it me," Sean replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Paddy exclaimed. "So tell me, is there football in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there's football in heaven, Paddy."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're playing tomorrow night!"
Today's Irish Quote:
“Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.” - Oscar Wilde
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Timothy met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?"
"It was grand," said the priest. Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?"
And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"
Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?"
The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"
He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?"
The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?"
Then the priest said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"
He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all Winter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two friends Sean and Paddy were two of the biggest football fans in Ireland.
Their entire adult lives, Sean and Paddy discussed football history, and they pored over all the statistics. They went to all of the matches. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was football in heaven.
One summer night, Sean passed away in his sleep after watching a Manchester United victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Paddy awoke to the sound of Sean's voice from beyond.
"Sean, is that you?" Paddy asked.
"Of course it me," Sean replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Paddy exclaimed. "So tell me, is there football in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there's football in heaven, Paddy."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're playing tomorrow night!"
March 5, 2010
Day 5
Today's Irish Quote:
"The government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
George Bernard Shaw.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest.
"Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:
"Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.
Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything.'"
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery.
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said.
He got out.
"The government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
George Bernard Shaw.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest.
"Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:
"Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.
Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything.'"
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery.
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said.
He got out.
March 4, 2010
Day 4 - Thirsty Thursday
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine; something Brussels Sprouts never do.
- P. J. O'Rourke
Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up. "I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?" "Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars." "Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write." "Nor swim either," added the widow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want
to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."
- P. J. O'Rourke
Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up. "I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?" "Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars." "Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write." "Nor swim either," added the widow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want
to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."
March 3, 2010
Day 3 - Read 'em and laugh!
These are much funnier if you read them after a few drinks. So after work today, pour yourself a few fingers worth of a fine Irish whiskey (or have a beer if you must) and read them again. I promise that you'll enjoy them more....
"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience"
Oscar Wilde
One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan, I'm perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning, I can tell exactly what's wrong."
Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?"
Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole, she'll know what to do."
Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.
A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"
"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So I said, 'Go crap in yer hat!,' and the fight was on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."
Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"
"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
(And if you don't get that last one, ask your Catholic friend....)
"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience"
Oscar Wilde
One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan, I'm perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning, I can tell exactly what's wrong."
Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?"
Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole, she'll know what to do."
Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.
A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"
"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So I said, 'Go crap in yer hat!,' and the fight was on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."
Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"
"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
(And if you don't get that last one, ask your Catholic friend....)
March 1, 2010
Day 2 - The laughs keep coming....
Irish Quote of the day:
"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
Brendan Behan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Murphy: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along.
One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The English stranger was seated next to Murphy on the plane when he thought he would have some fun with the Irish traveler. He turned to Murphy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Murphy, who had just opened a magazine, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What now would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the smirking Englishman. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Murphy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"My," said the Englishman. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Murphy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
Brendan Behan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Murphy: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along.
One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The English stranger was seated next to Murphy on the plane when he thought he would have some fun with the Irish traveler. He turned to Murphy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Murphy, who had just opened a magazine, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What now would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the smirking Englishman. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Murphy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"My," said the Englishman. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Murphy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
February 28, 2010
Let the Jokes Begin!
The Olympics have come to a close and while we will all miss curling, ice dancing, and skeleton, how can we really take seriously any event this long that didn't feature an Irishman?
With the end of the Olympics, comes the beginning of March, a time where we can all look forward to the end of cold weather, the beginning of baseball, the lead up to March Madness, hockey games with a purpose and of course, 17 days of Irish jokes!! Enjoy.....
The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.
Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor.
Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?" Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea! "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me."
Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray! "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud. And he was lying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along.
He kneeled down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?"
And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?"
And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?"
He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (Also Kerrymen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."
"What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of hunters in Kerry are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." ....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
With the end of the Olympics, comes the beginning of March, a time where we can all look forward to the end of cold weather, the beginning of baseball, the lead up to March Madness, hockey games with a purpose and of course, 17 days of Irish jokes!! Enjoy.....
The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.
Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor.
Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?" Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea! "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me."
Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray! "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud. And he was lying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along.
He kneeled down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?"
And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?"
And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?"
He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (Also Kerrymen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."
"What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of hunters in Kerry are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." ....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
November 17, 2009
The Attraction of the Drama Club
Eric has found a new activity. No, Band is not yet finished but what the heck, he had a few nights a week with nothing to do but homework. So he has volunteered his time as a part of the stage crew to help the Drama Club.
With his penchant for soaking up the spotlight, and his natural talent for grandiose entrances, it was only a matter of time until The Stage attracted him. While he is following his father's footsteps in working back stage, I believe he has more of his Uncle Bill's talents for performing rather than supporting. Wouldn't Grandpop be proud that he has discovered the Arts and takes such joy in acting. He truly enjoyed the taste of Shakespeare he had in 8th grade as they put on modernized performances of Sir William's finest works.
So what was it that drew him to this new found activity I asked, "I met some of the kids from the Drama Club in debate class and they said they needed some help and they are really a lot of fun." Seemed innocent enough and a good use of his talent and idle time.
I went to pick him up from his first night working with the Drama Club last night. He was patiently sitting on the wall out in front of the school - but in no hurry to leave as he had a pair of cheerleaders sitting on his lap......
He's a freshman.....this isn't supposed to be that easy for him....."They are in the Drama Club dad." "Are they the kids that talked you into joining?" I asked. "Yeah," he answered with a smirk....
Uncle Bill? Do you want to call him with any "Drama Club" advice? But I think he might be ahead of your progress in this area......
With his penchant for soaking up the spotlight, and his natural talent for grandiose entrances, it was only a matter of time until The Stage attracted him. While he is following his father's footsteps in working back stage, I believe he has more of his Uncle Bill's talents for performing rather than supporting. Wouldn't Grandpop be proud that he has discovered the Arts and takes such joy in acting. He truly enjoyed the taste of Shakespeare he had in 8th grade as they put on modernized performances of Sir William's finest works.
So what was it that drew him to this new found activity I asked, "I met some of the kids from the Drama Club in debate class and they said they needed some help and they are really a lot of fun." Seemed innocent enough and a good use of his talent and idle time.
I went to pick him up from his first night working with the Drama Club last night. He was patiently sitting on the wall out in front of the school - but in no hurry to leave as he had a pair of cheerleaders sitting on his lap......
He's a freshman.....this isn't supposed to be that easy for him....."They are in the Drama Club dad." "Are they the kids that talked you into joining?" I asked. "Yeah," he answered with a smirk....
Uncle Bill? Do you want to call him with any "Drama Club" advice? But I think he might be ahead of your progress in this area......
September 29, 2009
A Problem with Marching? How can that be???
Eric has begun his experience with the Oviedo High School Marching Band and I received some rather troubling news from his Band Director/Music Teacher. Apparently, Eric is having some difficulties learning the marching steps. Heavens to Betsy!! This son and grandson of a foot soldier can't MARCH!! There are some areas of expertise that I never really thought I would have to share with my kids, but it looks like those hours I spent Walking the Area will come in handy. Of course one carries a saxophone a bit differently than a rifle, but I take pride in being able to step off a 30 inch step, exactly, whenever called to do so.
So this weekend, we will conduct some remedial marching in the Mooney back yard in an effort to have Eric uphold the family honor. Heaven forbid that he begins marching like someone from Navy........
So this weekend, we will conduct some remedial marching in the Mooney back yard in an effort to have Eric uphold the family honor. Heaven forbid that he begins marching like someone from Navy........
September 16, 2009
Hanging 'Em Up
It happens too soon....it always does, but my youngest son, Adam, decided that he no longer wanted to play baseball. So after being a fixture around the Little League complex for 7 years, it's time to "hang 'em up."
After the Game
I’m going to miss that reddish clay that turns to mud on rainy days
I’m going to miss the rakes and things, and lining basepaths with long white strings
I’m going to miss that child’s thirst for one day being safe at first
I’m going to miss this Little League, but my 10 year old says he’s too big.
For 7 short years I’ve been a part of this game that has brought us all together
It gave me hope, it brought me joy, it made me curse the weather.
“Let’s hustle out there,” is the coaches refrain,
“Which boy is yours? “What is your name?”
“Who here can pitch?” is asked on day 1, and 10 hands reach for the sky
And when not an arm can reach home plate it’s enough to make you cry.
The socks are too big, the shirt is too small, “My son hasn’t gotten a hustle ball.”
“Can I have a team drink?” “Hey, what do you think, can this team win it all?”
But we wait for that day when bat finally meets ball for that kid who has struggled all year
Because that “0 for the season” that we have nightmares about, is a coaches biggest fear.
5 tools are the dream, but not for these kids, just a ball, a glove, and a bat
Winning is never as important as getting that brand new Rays hat.
So if you see an old guy, hanging round King Street, looking like he’s lost his son
Invite him on out to shag some fly balls, he really just misses the fun.
I’m going to miss the rakes and things, and lining basepaths with long white strings
I’m going to miss that child’s thirst for one day being safe at first
I’m going to miss this Little League, but my 10 year old says he’s too big.
For 7 short years I’ve been a part of this game that has brought us all together
It gave me hope, it brought me joy, it made me curse the weather.
“Let’s hustle out there,” is the coaches refrain,
“Which boy is yours? “What is your name?”
“Who here can pitch?” is asked on day 1, and 10 hands reach for the sky
And when not an arm can reach home plate it’s enough to make you cry.
The socks are too big, the shirt is too small, “My son hasn’t gotten a hustle ball.”
“Can I have a team drink?” “Hey, what do you think, can this team win it all?”
But we wait for that day when bat finally meets ball for that kid who has struggled all year
Because that “0 for the season” that we have nightmares about, is a coaches biggest fear.
5 tools are the dream, but not for these kids, just a ball, a glove, and a bat
Winning is never as important as getting that brand new Rays hat.
So if you see an old guy, hanging round King Street, looking like he’s lost his son
Invite him on out to shag some fly balls, he really just misses the fun.
May 29, 2009
The Dance
If this post looks weird, excuse me as I am posting from a Blackberry. Also, my concentration level isn't what it should be as I'm using Crystal as my editor. :)
Eric has his first dance tonight. It is his 8th grade dance.He also has his first date as he is escorting Kaitlyn to the dance. It is a Mardi Gras theme tonight and the toughest part was finding clothes that he thought appropriate for such a theme and at the same time wouldn't scare the bejeebers out of his date. As any woman who has dated a Mooney can attest, this is a challenge. I tried my best to impart my wisdom- and when that didn't work, I used the Dad Factor! If I saw something that I thought was too weird (Would Rich wear this to a party? Yes?? It's too weird....) I would immediately suggest it and thus Eric would summarily dismiss it from consideration.
He settled on a black pair of dress pants and a black shirt with a very subtle purple and grey pattern. He chose a black tie with some purple highlights and a bulldog wearing a Mardi Gras crown!! He was on the verge of looking pretty sharp.
When we got home, he tried everything on. The shirt was too big and he decided that it was too dark for Mardi Gras. He wanted a purple jacket to wear with it....
If Uncle Rich was closer, I would have asked if he happened to have a purple jacket. If I still lived in Philly, I would have gone to the nearest Mummers hall and borrowed one. We decided that I would find him an alternative for the shirt. I did find a light purple shirt the next day and he was psyched.
Come game day, he put his ensemble together, adding the jacket he found in the closet. It was small...it was his Mom's. I had 3 choices: tell him he looked great, suggest he lose the jacket, frantically find a replacement. I chose #2. Eric chose #1.
Well I delivered him not too long ago and as he jumped out of the car, he spotted one of his buddies, a black kid, wearing the same purple shirt....Eris was psyched again. He saw other friend right away, none with jackets, half with purple shirts. I left laughing to myself wondering what his date would think. I'm sure she will love the tie....
Eric has his first dance tonight. It is his 8th grade dance.He also has his first date as he is escorting Kaitlyn to the dance. It is a Mardi Gras theme tonight and the toughest part was finding clothes that he thought appropriate for such a theme and at the same time wouldn't scare the bejeebers out of his date. As any woman who has dated a Mooney can attest, this is a challenge. I tried my best to impart my wisdom- and when that didn't work, I used the Dad Factor! If I saw something that I thought was too weird (Would Rich wear this to a party? Yes?? It's too weird....) I would immediately suggest it and thus Eric would summarily dismiss it from consideration.
He settled on a black pair of dress pants and a black shirt with a very subtle purple and grey pattern. He chose a black tie with some purple highlights and a bulldog wearing a Mardi Gras crown!! He was on the verge of looking pretty sharp.
When we got home, he tried everything on. The shirt was too big and he decided that it was too dark for Mardi Gras. He wanted a purple jacket to wear with it....
If Uncle Rich was closer, I would have asked if he happened to have a purple jacket. If I still lived in Philly, I would have gone to the nearest Mummers hall and borrowed one. We decided that I would find him an alternative for the shirt. I did find a light purple shirt the next day and he was psyched.
Come game day, he put his ensemble together, adding the jacket he found in the closet. It was small...it was his Mom's. I had 3 choices: tell him he looked great, suggest he lose the jacket, frantically find a replacement. I chose #2. Eric chose #1.
Well I delivered him not too long ago and as he jumped out of the car, he spotted one of his buddies, a black kid, wearing the same purple shirt....Eris was psyched again. He saw other friend right away, none with jackets, half with purple shirts. I left laughing to myself wondering what his date would think. I'm sure she will love the tie....
May 19, 2009
Beauty
I stopped at the Wing House today to kill some time and happily spent quite a bit of time talking to Crystal and her two friends. I had stopped in a couple of weeks ago with a couple of buddies, and we met Crystal, one of those memorable experiences that the Wing House offers now and then. I would best describe her has my Dad would, she was a "very healthy young lady." Her two friends you ask? Well, it would have been rude to ask if they had names.......
Anyway, it was a very slow evening which means that she was pleased (forced) to talk with me one-on-one for an extended period. I was actually there long enough to notice that she had blue eyes.....she mentioned that I was the first customer to compliment her on her eyes....(she has been working there for about a year).
We spoke about all of the typical things that bartenders and customers talk about. You know, how boobs make a perfect place to keep a pen, and how a thong is not that uncomfortable if you're moving all the time, and how silly of a rule it was at the bar that you could not have visible tattoos since the outfits didn't leave that much that wasn't visible...... We even ventured into the sports world to talk about what should happen to Michael Vick when he gets out of jail.....I never would have thought that she could have come up with that one - OUCH!!!
Well, to make a long story get to a point, she revealed that she was engaged. The few guys at the bar were deflated (and that was the only thing at the bar that could be described in that way). But just to give man hope, and hope these days is audacious, she did reveal that she is pissed at her fiance as he has scheduled a weekend away "on some island" this week. "Does he realize how much he is costing me in for not working this Saturday?"
My, she is a romantic........
Anyway, it was a very slow evening which means that she was pleased (forced) to talk with me one-on-one for an extended period. I was actually there long enough to notice that she had blue eyes.....she mentioned that I was the first customer to compliment her on her eyes....(she has been working there for about a year).
We spoke about all of the typical things that bartenders and customers talk about. You know, how boobs make a perfect place to keep a pen, and how a thong is not that uncomfortable if you're moving all the time, and how silly of a rule it was at the bar that you could not have visible tattoos since the outfits didn't leave that much that wasn't visible...... We even ventured into the sports world to talk about what should happen to Michael Vick when he gets out of jail.....I never would have thought that she could have come up with that one - OUCH!!!
Well, to make a long story get to a point, she revealed that she was engaged. The few guys at the bar were deflated (and that was the only thing at the bar that could be described in that way). But just to give man hope, and hope these days is audacious, she did reveal that she is pissed at her fiance as he has scheduled a weekend away "on some island" this week. "Does he realize how much he is costing me in for not working this Saturday?"
My, she is a romantic........
A little over a year ago, when Twitter first hit the scene, I created an account to see what it was all about. I think I used it during one business trip to Denver and never did anything with it again.
Well this past week I have received two notifications that someone is stalking me via Twitter. They must be really bored, and since I don't even remember my log-in to Twitter, they are going to be even more bored waiting for me to Tweet.
I don't remember the first person who decided to follow me, I just treated it like spam and away it went. I was a bit more curious with the second and discovered that she is in the same line of work as I but in Scotland. I don't know whether to feel sorry for her or feel concerned that people are following me - or maybe someone has hacked my Twitter account and they are posting something interesting that I should be following........
Blogging, Twittering, Facebooking, YouTubing, conspiracies all to drive the Post Office out of business - But that's okay, since we don't need the mail anymore, the Post Office employees can run the National Health Care system when it starts.......
Well this past week I have received two notifications that someone is stalking me via Twitter. They must be really bored, and since I don't even remember my log-in to Twitter, they are going to be even more bored waiting for me to Tweet.
I don't remember the first person who decided to follow me, I just treated it like spam and away it went. I was a bit more curious with the second and discovered that she is in the same line of work as I but in Scotland. I don't know whether to feel sorry for her or feel concerned that people are following me - or maybe someone has hacked my Twitter account and they are posting something interesting that I should be following........
Blogging, Twittering, Facebooking, YouTubing, conspiracies all to drive the Post Office out of business - But that's okay, since we don't need the mail anymore, the Post Office employees can run the National Health Care system when it starts.......
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