Day 8

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded Galway waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. Before the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said,

"What a beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy Murphy approached Mulligan's Bar when he was suddenly accosted outside by Sister Marie.
"Surely a fine man as yerself, Paddy, is not going in to this den of iniquity?!" the good sister asked, more as an order than a question. "Surely you wouldn't waste yer hard-earned paycheck on the devil's brew when you could be buying food and clothing fer yer family!"
"Now hold on there, sister!" sputtered Murphy. "Surely you won't be condemnin' whiskey without ever tasting some yerself, would ya?"
"Very well then" said Sister Marie, "Just to prove my point, I'll try some. Obviously I can't go into the pub, but you go in and bring it out to me. Just have them place it in a cup rather than a glass, so as to not create a scandal out here."
"Okay sister" said Murphy as he happily breezed on in to Mulligan's.
"I'll have a large whiskey" ordered Murphy to the barman, "and place it in a cup, not a glass!"
The barman shook his head and replied "Don't tell me that nun's outside again"

Day 7

In a Donegal trial, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. O’Reilly, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Sean. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. O’Reilly, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known James since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire county, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, you’ll both be found in contempt and serve 10 years."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upon seeing his son's black eye Murphy asked him, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?"
His son shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in."
"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?"
"Na, na, Father. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old Irishman was asked,
"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"
The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!
Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

Day 6

Mrs. O'Leary went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new physicians. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out the door and ran screaming down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. O'Leary is 72 years old, she has seven grown children and ten grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The store manager, O'Reilly, heard Maryann his assistant tell a customer, "No mam, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

O'Reilly was horrified and ran over to the customer and said, "Of course we'll have some soon. We placed an order last week."

Then he took the assistant aside and said, "Never, never, say we're out of anything - say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now what was it she wanted?"
"Rain," said the assistant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idly, the American tourist watched the Cork man dig and turn over the soil. Eventually he called out: "Hey, buddy, what's that you're doing?"

"I'm digging potatoes, sir."
"Potatoes? You call those puny things potatoes? Back home in Idaho we have potatoes ten times that size!"
"Indeed sir, and that's as it needs be; a good potato should be of a size to fit the mouth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For 50 years, Paddy left the box alone, until his wife Moira was old and dying. One day, when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and 82,500 pounds in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got angry with you."

Paddy was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been vexed with him twice."What's the money for?" he asked.

"Oh, well that's what I've made selling the Doilies."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish. "Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden. "What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus. "You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such an outlandish tale?"

"I can prove it." say Seamus. So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes - no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

"Ha, ya lying rogue!" shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"

"What fish?" 

Day 5

Day 5

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s & had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, & in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea & scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water & its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him & he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago & I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet & that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before performing a christening in Ireland, Father Reilly approached Seamus and said to him solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are ye prepared for it?”
“I think I am father,” Seamus replied. “My wife has made a big buffet spread and Mrs O’Sullivan has baked biscuits and cakes for all of our guests.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Father Reilly responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”
“To be sure I am,” Seamus replied. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The nuns at a small convent in Limerick were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit. Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw. As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he indeed looked poor.
She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her offering. She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed, my good man."
As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?"
Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann."
The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said.
The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. She's in the chapel. May I give her a message?"
"Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed finished second."

Day 4

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the
end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have
a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their
whisky, the gentleman asked, And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin ,and gets pulled over by the Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, you didn’t come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you... I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. "The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Day 3

Seamus walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have. Seamus replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".

Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order Seamus says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".

Finally the bartender asks Seamus what trouble he's talking about.

Seamus says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you".

The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night".

Seamus says "Ohh, now the trouble starts"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.

He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

The Garda, a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly.  After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up.  While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.

"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.

"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"

"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.

"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.

"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing."  And the Garda goes back to writing.

"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day.  The wind was so loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.

“It’s windy,” said one.

“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.

“So am I,” said the third.  “Let’s go and have a drink.”

Day 2

A double-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~An American lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that he can certainly outwit this common man from the countryside and entertain himself...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. “I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00” he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Internet. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500.00 The Irishman pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep. `````````````````````````````````Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs! ``````````````````````````````````Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in down town Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Happy St. Patrick's Month

It's here again!  That wonderful time of the year when we all prepared for that wondrous holiday, St. Patrick's Day!  I hope you enjoy the next 17 days of laughs and groans as I share with you some of my favorite Irish jokes.

Slainte!

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wife :       'Do you want dinner?'  
Husband:       'Sure! What are my choices?'  
Wife:          'Yes or no.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.

One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took my nephew out for his first drink

Off we went to our local pub which was only two blocks from the house. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Murphy’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Harp, Bass Ale, and the Smithwick’s.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push the stroller back home!

300 Days!

300 Days Until St. Patrick's Day!!

"The most important thing to remember about drunks is that drunks are far more intelligent than non-drunks. They spend a lot of time talking in pubs, unlike workaholics who concentrate on their careers and ambitions, who never develop their higher spiritual values, who never explore the insides of their head like a drunk does."
- Shane MacGowen, lead singer/songwriter for The Pogues.

She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

365 Days

It was a fun and beautiful day here in sunny Central Florida.  A bit warm for a green wool jacket, but it was worth the sacrifice.  And to spend my day on the arm of a beautiful redhead.....well that just makes it the perfect St. Patty's Day.

Til next year!  Slainte!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Yes, it is here!!  The day we have all been waiting for!!  Well, at least the day that I've been waiting for.....

I do hope you've gotten a couple of laughs during these 17 days.  I am off to celebrate with other like minded Irishmen....and a beautiful redhead.  And beyond the laughter, the songs, and the strong drink, there is a people who truly wish everyone well....(Well practically everyone..... ;) )

May you work like you don't need the money,
Love like you've never been hurt, and
Dance like no one is watching.

Garrison is a doctor but he's a bit henpecked by his wife.  One evening the phone rang. It was a colleague asking him to join some others for a game of poker.  When he put the phone down his wife said, "Is it an emergency?"      

He said, "Yes, there's four doctors there already."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took my nephew Sean out for his first drink

Off we went to our local pub which was only two blocks from the house. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Murphy’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Harp, Bass Ale, and the Smithwick’s.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; Nope! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so feckin' shite-faced I could hardly push the stroller back home!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy had a few too many at a party and while driving home, he was pulled over by the Garda. Noting Paddys erratic driving, the Garda immediately breathalyzed him. As they were preparing to book him, there was a terrible accident in the opposite side of the road. The Garda were immediately distracted by the other incident and decided to take care of more important matters. Paddy, figuring that the Garda weren't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the front door, and was greeted by two Garda.

"Are you Mr. Patrick Murphy?" they asked? Paddy nodded his head.

"Were you pulled over at Church Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the Paddy nervously nodded his head.

"And what did you do then?" they asked. Paddy replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the Guards enquired. Paddy told them that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the Garda. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the Garda squad car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded Galway waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old Irishman was asked,

"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"

The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!.... Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”
The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the city train’s always late anyway.”
The man then said, “It will be today - I’m the driver!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two Gardai, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether they can see a picture of the wife.
Paddy replies "of course" and runs back to get their wedding picture.
The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
Paddy replies "I know, but she is a foine woman, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”

“I’ve got no wife or children.”

“Then think of your parents.”

“I don’t have any parents.”

“Then think of St. Patrick!!”

“Who’s St. Patrick?”

“Jump, ya bastard!”

St. Patty's Eve

It is the day before St. Patrick's Day, a day for rest, a day to remember the lyrics to all of those Irish tunes you only hear once a year, and for me, jury duty.....remember that luck of the Irish thing?.....

In a Donegal trial, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. O’Reilly, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Sean. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. O’Reilly, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known James since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire county, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, you’ll both be found in contempt and serve 10 years."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that he can certainly outwit this common man from the countryside and entertain himself...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.

“I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00” he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Internet. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500.00

The Irishman pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.

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The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink.  But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
            "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
            "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
            "And why not?"
            "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

Day 15

It has been a foine weekend of celebrating with the Irish here in St. Augustine.  And I've figured that the true talent is not being able to dance those steps, but to keep stepping forward after a day of stout and whiskey.....

When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

      Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions.  Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly,
      "Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

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Muldoon was reading in the tabloids about a famous actress who married a boxer not particularly known for his high IQ.

He says to his wife, "It seems the biggest jerks always get the most beautiful women."
She replied, "Why, Thank you, dear."

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O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.  As he struggles to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.

      "Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets,

      "Do you want to go to heaven?"

      The man said, "I do, Father."

      The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." 

      Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

      "Certainly Father," said the man.

      "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

      Then the priest walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

      O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

      The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

      O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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Day 14

Nancy and I will be enjoying the Irish Festival in St. Augustine today.  But we couldn't start the day without the daily dose....

A double-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." 

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The Judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s & had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, & in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea & scones, they began to chat. 

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water & its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him & he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago & I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet & that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

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An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

Day 13

It is Friday the 13th!!  But with the luck of the Irish, you have nothing to worry about.....

A man walks out of a house in Belfast.  Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
            The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
            At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

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O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. 

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,

'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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Tim met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?" "It was grand," said the priest. Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?" And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"

Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?" The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"

He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?" The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?" Then the priest said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"

He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"

Day 12

In speaking with my Mother last evening, she shared with me that she was finally able to read the jokes on her tablet.  Her only comment was that I should find some short, funny ones..... I will try.....

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

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A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.  After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair."I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said.  "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy.  "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

Day 11

Marital Bliss....while to some this may be an oxymoron, in Ireland, it is another excuse for a good story......

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

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Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Marriage is the same.
Oscar Wilde

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Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

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In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

Day 10

There is only one week to go!!  I hope you've been doing your prep.....

There’s a new concept pub opened-up in Ireland - it’s got mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night.
Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub - he didn’t know about the mirrors. He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”
Flanagan didn’t know about the mirrors either and he said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”
Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”
Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”

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An American walks into McCafferty's Pub overlooking Galway Bay and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.
"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks, "If you don't mind my asking, I saw you leave for a while, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"

To which Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.

            "Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
            "Who were the five?" asked a listener.
            "Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
            "But you said there were five and you count only four."
            "Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

Day 9

Here are a few stories about the Irish and the justice system....

The Garda, a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly.  After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up.  While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.

"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.

"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"

"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.

"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.

"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing."  And the Garda goes back to writing. "...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."

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Paddy was in America.  He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians." 

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.  He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let the Catholics across?"

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"I shall hold this case in camera," said the Irish judge.
"What does that mean?" asked the witness.
"Well," said the judge, "I know what it means, and the jury knows what it means you just tell us what happened on the night of June 1st."
"I went to a dance," related the witness, "and Mary asked me to see her home.  It was a fine evening and after we'd crossed a field we sat on a stile in the moonlight and I put my arm around her.  After that, there was a little mushy, sweety-pie palaver."
"And what, pray, does that mean?" asked the judge.
The reply came quickly: "I know what it means, the jury knows what it means, and if you'd been there with your camera, judge, you'd know what it means."

Day 8

For your Sunday read..... (And I hope to see you at the Winter Park parade today at 2:00!)


Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid  they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through  Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you... I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused." 
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman came to a priest one day and confessed, "Father, I've committed adultery."
The priest is somewhat upset, but he forgives her and tells her not to let it happen again.
Later that week, 6 more people came up to him and confessed the same time. He forgave him all. Within the next month, over 50 people confessed that they committed adultery. The priest was so upset that he announced to the community at mass; "From now on, if anyone of you commit adultery, don't tell me that you did. Instead, tell me something else, like 'I tripped in a pothole.'

So people were always admitting to this priest that they had tripped in a pothole. Eventually, the priest died of old age. A new priest, who knew nothing about the whole pothole thing, replaced the late priest. Whenever people told him that they had tripped in a pothole, he would reply with, "That's quite okay. Just watch your step next time."

One day, the priest decided to take the issue of potholes up with the Town Council.
"Mr. Mayor," he said, "I think we should spend a good deal of money to repair this town's roads; people keep tripping in potholes every day.

"Aye that, heh" laughed the mayor. He got into a historical fit since the priest knew nothing of the true meaning of what his parishioners were confessing.

The priest was not impressed with the reaction of the Mayor and replied, "This is no laughing matter, Mayor. Your wife alone tripped in 6 potholes last week!"

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Just to get a feel for the Irish mystique, here are some quotes from some famous Irishmen:

"We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English."
- Winston Churchill

"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift

"I only drink on two occasions - When I am thirsty and when I'm not thirsty."
- Brendan Behan

"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."
- Sigmund Freud (speaking about the Irish)

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
- Irish Soccer superstar George Best

"I used to go missing quite alot...Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World."
- George Best

"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
- Brendan Behan

"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
- Quentin Crisp

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."
- Flannery O’Connor, Irish Writer