Day 14

Day 14

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

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A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

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An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.

The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave him her license.

The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

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The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.

"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." say Seamus.

So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"

Day 13 - Happy St. Patty's Week!

Where was the first St Patrick's Day celebration?

The first formal celebration of St. Patrick's Day took place not in Ireland, but in Boston in 1737. It consisted of a dinner attended by wealthy Protestant gentlemen and merchants who had recently come over from Ulster to settle in the colonies. By 1775, the Boston celebration included a march with 70 soldiers from the British Army who were at the time occupying Boston (an interesting note is that exactly 1 year later, in 1776, the British Army was marching again — but in double time — as they were retreating from the city. So in Boston, March 17 holds two causes to celebrate — St Patrick's Day and Evacuation day.)

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This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married.

He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful women and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while.

He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"

"I don't like her."

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There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says, "Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed."

Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself."

"No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya."

Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! Okay, okay, I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!

Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go."

They keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!"

Patty answers, "No, no, no, I've got to go."

Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go passed the pub once again, they start in again, "Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!"

Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go."

They beg, "C'mon boy, just one."

Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."

It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch. "Oh No!! I've got to go!!"

Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells, "Patty! It's after 11 o'clock! what took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?"

Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims, "Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green.

He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt. Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed. "I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

Day 12

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

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Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"

Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"

With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!"

"I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

Day 11

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom

together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

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Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is

a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very

long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that

the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

"Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

Day 10

Day 10

If you are looking for a way to begin the celebration, and you happen to be local to the Central Florida region, downtown Sanford will be holding a St. Patrick's version of their Alive After Five Happy Hour this evening. Guiness, green and gingers galore.......

A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar.

The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn,and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. "

"Well " said the bartended "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? "

"Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"

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At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

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An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion.

"You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"

"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

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A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.

"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."

"Who were the five?" asked a listener.

"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."

"But you said there were five and you count only four."

"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

Day 9

A US police officer was on exchange in County Tipperary in Ireland with the Garda as part of a new law enforcement program between the two countries. One day the sergeant informed him they’d be stopping cars looking for suspicious characters.

The day was going along with nothing to report until an older man pulled up in a small Ford van. He seemed agitated and the American officer was immediately suspicious.

“Where are you travelling to today?” asked the officer. The older man angrily mumbled something the officer couldn’t understand and tightened his hands on the wheel. The alarm bells went off in the officer’s head and he reached for his baton, backing away from the car and saying,

“Sir, I can’t understand you – could you please step out of the vehicle.” At this the man became quite angry and turned to the officer, yelling at him,

“I SAID I’ve just come from KILLING A MAN and now I’m off to KILL A BOY!! Now feck off and let me on with me business!!”

The officer immediately arrested the older man on suspicion of murder and brought him in for questioning. Instead of the praise he expected, the Irish garda sergeant uncuffed the suspect as soon as he saw him and, after just a few words, let him go with an apology before sternly taking the American officer aside.

“That man is Paddy O’Loughlin,” said the sergeant, “he’s well known to ourselves, runs a local delivery business – he’s harmless.”

“But – what about his confession to murder?!” protested the yankee officer. The sergeant hefted a tired sigh.

“Paddy might not be a very polite man – and he shouldn’t have yelled at you – but you really need to learn the names of the local areas here.” The sergeant then pointed to a map on the wall where the American saw his mistake. The American officer had stopped Paddy directly on his daily route between Kilnaman and Killaboy, County Tipperary.

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Paddy Irishman frequented a busy pub near his home. The problem he would have is that every time he got up to go for a cigarette someone would end up drinking his pint before he got back.

One day Paddy resolved to stop this from happening. He came equipped to the pub that night with a pen and a piece of paper. When he decided it was time to get up and go for a cigarette he produced his pen and paper and wrote, “I spat in this.”

Folding the paper so the note was clearly visible, he hung it from the edge of his mostly full pint and went to enjoy his cigarette.

When he returned he was relieved to find his pint untouched, the paper still hanging from the lip of the glass. But when he sat down he saw that someone else had written something on the paper.

Underneath his note it now read: “I spat in it too.”

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A man escaped from a mental institution in Ballinasloe. He ran until he got to Mullingar, at which point he located a public phone and rang the hospital back in Ballinasloe.

“Hello?” says the receptionist.

“Eh, Hello,” says your man, “Can you tell me is there someone in room number 68?”

“One moment,” says the receptionist, setting down the phone. The man waited anxiously until he heard her returning to the phone. “No sir, I’m sorry – there’s nobody in room 68.”

“HOOORAY!!” he shrieked in delight, “I’VE ESCAPED!!!!”

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Upon seeing his son's black eye Murphy asked him, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?"

His son shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in."

"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?"

"Na, na, Father. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."

Day 8

Today I share a little bit of medical humor, some would say a very little bit......

O'Toole is a doctor but he's a bit henpecked by his wife. One evening the phone rang. It was from a professional colleague asking him to join some others for a game of poker. When he put the phone down, his wife said,

"Is it an emergency?"

He said, "Yes, there's four doctors there already."

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The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

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Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.

"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.

"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"

"But about your foot.....?"

"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."

"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.

"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

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Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses.

When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people."

"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"

"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."

"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey came home from seeing the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?"

He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."

She said, "So what, lots of people have to take a pill every day for the rest of their lives."

He said, "I know, but he only gave me four."

Day 7

Happy Monday!

A Belfast newspaper once reported the launching of an aircraft carrier and recorded: 'The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea.'

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Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.

One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."

"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

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O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Day 6

A little humor for your Sunday....

An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery. As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.

A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.

"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said.

He got out...

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A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.

The preacher continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

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The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death.

"Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."

Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"

"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."

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The innocent old lady had a huge bottle with her as she passed through the Irish Customs.

"What have you there?" asked the Customs man with suspicion.

"'Tis Lourdes water, I'm bringing home with me."

He took the bottle, tried some and spluttered.

"Let me tell you," he said, "that's not Lourdes water. That's first-class French brandy."

"Lord bless us," she said. "It's a miracle!"

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May those who love us love us.

And those that don't love us,

May God turn their hearts.

And if He doesn't turn their hearts,

May he turn their ankles,

So we'll know them by their limping.

On the Fifth Day of St. Paddy's.......

A few for those of you dedicated enough to come searching on a Saturday.....

Police in the Republic of Ireland, the Garda, have been chasing a mysterious and impossible to find Polish driver who has apparently committed more than 50 motoring offences. Officers had been puzzled how the mysterious "Prawo Jazdy" had always produced his documents, but each time with a different address. They have now discovered the embarrassing truth after checking with the Polish embassy….. "Prawo Jazdy" is Polish for "driving license" and is printed on all Polish licenses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,

"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."

The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"

Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy and Sean were drunk after the annual college dinner and wanted to leave the hotel.

"Look, son. Howdjwegetout?"

The porter pointed along the passage.

"Turn to the right at the next passage and go down two steps and you'll be in the main hall."

They staggered on together, turned right and fell down the elevator shaft to the basement. As they sorted themselves out, Paddy rolled over and said, "Look, Sean. If that fella thinks I'm going down the other step, he's crazy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Malley's daughter was on her way home from work one night by bus and it was raining heavily. When she reached her stop, she jumped off the bus and began to run to her house a couple of streets away. She heard footsteps behind her and, looking around, she saw a man following her. She reached home, hammered on the door and her mother let her in.

She said, "Oh, mother, a man ran after me."

Her mother said, "I know." as the man came in the gate. "It was your father, he went to meet you with your raincoat and umbrella."

Day 4

As we head into the weekend, here are some quotes by the Irish or about the Irish. And don't forget, the Central Florida St. Patrick's Parade is Sunday in Winter Park!

"This day is a happy one for America. In some places Americans get a little too happy."

- President George Bush, greeting Bertie Ahern at the White House on St. Patrick's Day 2004

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."

- Irish Soccer superstar George Best

"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."

- Jonathan Swift

"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."

- Brendan Behan

"Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf."

- Irish saying

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The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Jameson's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says Murphy.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

Murphy then goes outside and tells Seamus that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. Seamus rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon Seamus goes into the street, sees Paddy, and tells him how to get free drinks.

Paddy hurries into the bar and begins to drink shot after shot of fine Irish Whiskey. Suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a

funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," Paddy responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

On the Third Day of St. Patty's......

Day 3....

The trick to Irish humor is not the stupid guy joke but more the innocent play on words or emphasis that twists a seemingly harmless phrase into that "Gotchya" that leaves even the object of the barb with a smile on their face. Enjoy some of these classical Irish wit bits.

In a literature class in Dublin some years back, students were given an assignment to write a short story involving all the important literary ingredients — Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. The winner was: "My God!’ cried the Duchess. ‘I’m pregnant. Who did it?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Trinity Law School, the professor asked a student if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I believe, sir, this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."

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Poor Paddy was found dead,lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn. Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard.

Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!

They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”

They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor lad actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was. They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."

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The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.

"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

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Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.

"It's windy," said one.

"No, it's Thursday," said the next.

"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Day Two

"So why St. Patrick's Day?" I've been asked many times. It is a stress free occasion as there are no expectations of gift exchanges, large family gatherings, planned dinners, or travel to see long lost relatives. It is a simple day celebrating a simple people who would much rather sing, tell a tall tale, or drink a few pints than start a fight......

Seamus walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have.

Seamus replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".

Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order Seamus says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".

Finally the bartender asks Seamus what trouble he's talking about.

Seamus says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you".

The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night".

Seamus says "Ohh, now the trouble starts"

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Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.

Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".

O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."

Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

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Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.

He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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The Time is Here!

'Tis the 1st of March, the beginning of the greening! With a scant 17 days to celebrate, and only 1 to rest I will try to keep a smile on your face, and anticipation of St. Patrick's Day in your mind.


I will do my best to keep these jokes friendly and only pick on the Irish.... Oh, I may take a jab at the English here and there, but they will hardly notice.....

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A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor,
'Well, what's the girl's name?
'Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
'Denephew.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

November

It has been a while since I've put anything out here, and there are multiple reasons for that. One, I haven't had much to write about, so anything I would put out here would be more boring than usual, and two, my account information changed, I couldn't remember my password and such since Google changed everything about. I hate to admit that, but that's the truth.

Anyway, I came across something this evening worth sharing. I was looking up a Gaelic phrase in response to a Las who kept ending letters with a nice Spanish sentiment. Well that will be another story for another day 'cause it's late and you know how I run on sometimes about nonsense and get off topic and forget my point and....and....Where was I?.... Oh yeah, the Gaelic bit.

Anyway, I found this fine list of "Useful Irish Sayings" in the old tongue and I just had to share. Here is the list... No lie: (the list presents the English, the Gaelic, and phonetic)


Thank you.......Go raibh maith agat.......guramahhagut
Thank God.......Buíochas le Dia........bweeahhkus lay djeeah
Take it easy.......Tóg bog é....... toge boag ay
Never mind....... Ná bac leis....... nah bahk lesh
Be careful........ Bí curamach....... be kuramakh
Be quiet....... Bí ciúin....... be ku-in
shut your mouth.......... Dún do bheal........ dun doe vale
Kiss my arse......... Póg ma thoin........ poag mah hone
goodbye ( if staying)....... Slán leat...... shlahn lyaht
goodbye (if going)........ Slán agat....... shlahn ugut

So matter of fact these helpful Irish sayings are. And notice the progression. Be careful....Be quiet....shut your mouth....Kiss my arse....goodbye..... How.....Irish..... :)

March the 17th, sleep the 18th......

If only it were possible.....but with kids and work the option of sleeping off a wonderful night of celebrating is not to be......but, I will survive. There are only 364 days until I do it all over again..... :)

The Donegal definition of a hangover: "Something occupying a head that wasn't used the night before."

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The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

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The English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. His secretary had set up three interviews for him, with an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Irishman.

The first interview was with the Italian. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, the Englishman asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.

The Englishman did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with the Frenchman and he was even better than the first. The Englishman asked the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," stammered the Frenchman, "you have no ears."

The Englishman again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.

He was wary of the last interview with the young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. The Englishman was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.

Sean fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Today's Irish Quote:

"Mr. Speaker, I said the hounourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases."

Richard Sheridan
Irish playwright and politician, 1780


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Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun.

"Don't jump," she said, and I'll grant you three wishes."

"Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."

She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."

He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."

She said, "They will be there when you get home."

He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."

She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted."

Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me."

He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.

She said, "What age are you?"

He replied, "I'm forty."

She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the mental hospital and he hears the residents inside chanting,

"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Officer O’Brien came across a crowd of people looking up at a man standing on a ledge.

“Don’t jump!” implored O’Brien. “Think of yer children.”

“I don’t have any children,” replied the man.

“Then think of yer wife.”

“I’m not married,” was the reply.

“Think of yer parents then lad.”

“I haven’t any parents.”

“Why then think of St. Patrick!”

“Who’s St. Patrick?”

“Jump ya bastard!!”


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LIttle Sean had spilled the ink all over the classroom floor. The teacher came down and stood looking sternly at him.

"Sean," she said, "if you spilled something at home, what would your mother do?"

Sean said, "Well, she wouldn't just stand there lik you, looking at it, she'd clean it up."


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There’s a new concept pub opened-up in Ireland - it’s got mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night.

Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub - he didn’t know about the mirrors. He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”

Flanagan didn’t know about the mirrors either and he said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”

Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”

Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”

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A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Day 16

Today's Irish Quote:

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."

Soccer superstar George Best


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There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says,

"Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed."

Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself."

"No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya."

Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! Okay, okay, I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!

Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go."

They keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!"

Patty answers, “No, no, no, I've got to go.”

Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go past the pub once again, they start in again,

"Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!

Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go."

They beg, "C'mon boy, just one."

Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."

It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch.

"Oh No!! I've got to go!!"

Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells,

"Patty! It's after 11:00! What took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?"

Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims, "Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"

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An Englishman and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey.

He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who say, ''May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.''

The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irishman, whom replies, ''No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!''

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O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of Jameson’s in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.

“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood.”

Day 15

Today's Irish Quote:

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)



"I shall hold this case in camera," said the Irish judge.

"What does that mean?" asked the witness.

"Well," said the judge, "I know what it means, and the jury knows what it means you just tell us what happened on the night of June 1st."

"I went to a dance," related the witness, "and Mary asked me to see her home. It was a fine evening and after we'd crossed a field we sat on a stile in the moonlight and I put my arm around her. After that, there was a little mushy, sweety-pie palaver."

"And what, pray, does that mean?" asked the judge.

The reply came quickly: "I know what it means, the jury knows what it means, and if you'd been there with your camera, judge, you'd know what it means."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted.

"I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Thomas Delaney met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?"

"It was grand," said the priest.

Delaney said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?"

And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"

Delaney said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?"

The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"

He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?"

The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?"

Then the priest said, "By the way, Thomas, how many chances did you take?"

He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Haggerty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.

"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"

"You'll have to," said Dr. Haggerty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."

"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "Just for a little hearing??"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly,

"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

Day 14

Today's Irish Quote:

"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift



A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.

"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."

"Who were the five?" asked a listener.

"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."

"But you said there were five and you count only four."

"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A black, black night it was as Mick made his way homeward from the pub. Suddenly he heard a small voice crying for help and so, full of Guinness and good will to all men, he followed the sound 'til he came across the small figure of a leprechaun with his foot caught under a large stone. Mick freed the green-clad little fellow, helped him gently to his feet and made sure all was well.


"Good sir," said the leprechaun, bowing stiffly and low, "I am in your debt and wish to repay yer kindness. I would deem it a favor if ye'd accept three fairy wishes."


"Shure now that would be foine," said Mick.

"Make a wish then," said the little man, "and whatever ye want, 'twill be granted."

"Oi wish Oi had a bottle of stout," said Mick.

No sooner were the words spoken than a bottle appeared in Mick's hand. Gently he unscrewed the top and supped the bottle.

"Sir," interrupted the leprechaun, "I don't mean to be rushing ye, but I must get on and ye still have two more wishes to make."

"Well," said Mick, "Oi wish this bottle would never be empty."

"Done," said the manikin.

Mick had another swig and another and, sure enough, after each the bottle would replenish itself.

"Glory be," said Mick, dancing a small jig and supping some more.

"And what's your third wish?" the leprechaun inquired politely.

"Shure now," said Mick, waving his magic bottle, "Oi'll have another one of these."