Day 11

Ireland explained

I received this educational document from one of my Irish sites, and thought it might be a handy memo for those waiting to celebrate St. Patrick's day.

Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.

The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but still pay in Euros.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland, but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland. It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.

Protestants are in favor of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.

Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink.

We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.

Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin.

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.

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There’s a new concept pub opened-up in Ireland - it’s got mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night.
Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub - he didn’t know about the mirrors. He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”
Flanagan didn’t know about the mirrors either and he said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”
Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”
Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," she said.

"How many," he asked, "are you going to marry?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And here is an Irish dad "helping" his son learn how to vacuum.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G39MxbFm2Sk

Day 9

Kathleen was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Kathleen, " he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk." But he was insistent.

"Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand.

"Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?"

"It was grand," said the priest.

Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?"

And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"

Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?"

The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"

He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?"

The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?" Then the priest said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"

He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When old Hennessy collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions.  Finally, Hennessy opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly, 

"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.

Father Murphy said, “Thank you, but I’m not sure I got it honestly.  It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped.  Then, I say a young fellow coming along with a nice, large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I’d ask him to share it with me.  I stepped out from the doorway and said, ‘Where are you going with that umbrella?’  And he dropped the darned thing and ran off.”

Day 8

The rich American couldn't understand why the Irish angler was lying lazily beside his boat on the beach, smoking a pipe.

"Why aren't you out fishing?" asked the American.

"Because I have caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman.

"Why don't you catch some more?"

"What would I do with them?"

"You could sell them and make more money," was the American's reply. "With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats . . . maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me."

"What would I do then?" asked the fisherman.

"Then you could really enjoy life." said the American.

"And what do you suppose I might be doing right now?" said the Irishman, smiling and puffing away on his pipe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three drunks get into a cab in Galway. The cab driver knew they were drunk so he starts the engine and then turns it off.  He tells them, “We’re here.”

The first guy gives him the fare and the second guy says, “Thank you.”

The third guy gives the driver a slap.  The driver was shocked thinking the third drunk new what he had done. But he asked, “What’s that for?”

The third guy replies, “Watch yer speed next time, you could have gotten us killed!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." 

O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Day 7

Recently a routine Garda patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.  At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the Garda said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey and Flanagan went mountain climbing in the Alps and got cut off

by an avalanche.  They were sheltering on a ledge when they saw a St. Bernard coming, with a little keg of brandy hanging around his neck.

Flanagan said, "Look! Here comes man's best friend."

Casey said, "And look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets,

      "Do you want to go to heaven?"

      The man said, "I do, Father."

      The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." 

      Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

      "Certainly Father," said the man.

      "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

      Then the priest walked up to Delaney and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

      Delaney said, "No, I don't Father."

      The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

      Delaney said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.  "Inebriated again!" declared the priest.  "Shame on you!  When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen.  "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it!  Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.  How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen.  "The Bishop has it!"

Day 6

Those of you have been on this list for a while, might recognize some of these.....

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt. Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.

"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Roman Catholic priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass.

"Good mornin', Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church."

"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.

"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great basilica at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."

Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?

"Deed I did , Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.

"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you.

"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Mr. O'Riley. Is he here?

"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."

Murphy rear-ended a car....He knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day. 
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!! 
He looked up at him and said, "I'm NOT f***ing happy!" 
So Murphy said, "Which f***ing one ARE you then?" 

That's how the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy had a wee bit too much and was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. The policeman walks up and says, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Paddy asks, "Ossifer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Paddy says, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

Joe Mooney

Day 4

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is it, child?”

The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”

Something different and perhaps a bit wordy, but it is from Ireland.....

This was done by an Irish comedian, Finchie Cova, some time back and it is his Open Letter to Isis.  While it does have a bit of inside humor, even if you have not been to Ireland, you will catch the drift.

AN OPEN LETTER TO ISIS

What’s the craic lads! I don’t think we have officially met. Finchie here from Ireland, we are that non aggravating, laid back post English island to the west of the bullshit. So how’s yourself? Been busy I hope. I see from the shallow media outlets and “copy paste” fear posting on social media that ye have been up to your neck in it the past few months. Good for you!

Sorry to be bothering ye boys while ye are busy planning the world’s biggest burning man festival in the name of Alan, (or what ever he’s called) but something has come to our attention to past few days that we need to have a quick “chat” about it. What’s this I hear about ye adding us to a list of countries called “The Global Coalition” in some mad 80’s themed propaganda video? Ah lads come on will ya, shtep down from 3 legged horse now for a second and rewind the cassette cuz I think ye got it wrong.

First of all, lads were only here for the craic! We have been through too much shite hawking over the past couple of thousand years to be goin all “rouge and shit” and joining in fights we clearly don’t want to be part of. It’s like when a fist fight breaks out in primary school between Vince and Lano Kelly. Most of us just watch, shout a bit and kick a bin to make noise or whatever, but we don’t bother getting involved (well Vince is English so any sly opportunity for a shneaky kick to the shins and were all over it) we couldn’t be arsed with the whole thing, we’re simply too laid back. Now keeping that in mind let me let you in on a few tips if you do decide to come over here and piss in our cornflakes.

Don’t judge us on the actions of the lads across the pond. We don’t like that craic. I get that ye have yer fight an all, but dont drag us into it, we don’t give a left bollock for Alan and what he tells ye to do.

Sharon’s law, (or whatever it is) won’t work here. I know a Sharon, and she’s a bitch. We don’t like her either.

Don’t bomb our shit. We just finished building it back after breaking free from the very enemy you also have on your hit list. (if you want tho you can destroy Leitrim, absolute shitehole lads I’m not joking)

We have more than one army. 1 official army (actually went training in north cork recently to prepare for your arrival. And yes north cork is exactly like Damascus, especially Fermoy on a Friday night).

We also have a few non official, highly secretive, multi-talented armies all with the same name (you get used to it after a while) who hate each other but have one very important thing in common…all mad bastards. Let that sink in

By the way the unofficial armies are all trained in guerrilla warfare. Meaning you’re fucked. Like actually fucked. Unless you want to buy weapons, then some of them will turn a blind eye to ” the cause” and sell ya a few AKs while you visit.

Don’t even think about blowing up Leo Burdocks!!! Consider this your harshest warning!
If any single pub is damaged during your short stay here, we will consider this an act of war!!! And we praise to our God Arthur, we will strike down on you with great vengeance and furious anger on those who attempt to destroy our drinking patterns during a time of crises!

On a final note, remember these and you should be fine:
1. Offices close at ten
2. Don’t leave the immersion on
3. PM me for Bono’s address
4. Don’t bomb shit when the toy show is on
5. Start with Leitrim
6. If you’re looking for virgins you won’t find any on Harcourt Street
7. Get a Tesco clubcard. Trust me.
8. If you want to blow up a stadium, go to Dalymount please.
9. Go to a water protest, they don’t judge you for where you’re from, just if you pay or not.
10. Finally, if asked for change, eyes down and keep Fucking walking!

So ISIS its good to meet you. Do yourself a favour and us, stay where you are. You don’t want to come here, were not bothered with the issues you have.

But if you do, we will beat the shit out of all of you using mammies wooden spoon, Kilkenny hurlers and the bouncers from the copper faced Jack’s.

Yours unintentionally

Finchie and the rest of Ireland

Day 3

The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud.

And he was lying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along. He knelt down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?" And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?" And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?" He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The farmer’s wife had taken ill and he called the town doctor who showed up rather inebriated.

“Where is the patient?” the doctor roared. “It's Theresa, the wife,” says the farmer, “she's not near well!”

The doctor looked at her and cried: “I'm too late . . . she's dead.”

At which point, the women opened one eye and whispered: “I'm not dead.”

Her husband hastily put his finger to her lips and said: “Hush, Theresa, don't contradict the doctor."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This one has been requested.....

Seamus and Sean are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

Seamus says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"

Sean says," I don't know.  Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

Seamus says, "Hey, there's a big log. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole.

They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

Seamus says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert kilos an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible!  I had him chained to a log."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And these are some old classics.......

Mary was taking a nap on Valentine’s Day afternoon. After she woke, she told her husband Paddy, “I just dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous expensive diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day! What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening, Paddy came home with a small package for her. Thrilled, Mary opened it and found a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

Day 2

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''

''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.
"Next?"
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"Next?"
"One glass of brandy."
"Next?"
"A fight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Irish lads (Shane, Sean and Conor), were working on a building site in London. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Sean says, ‘Someone should go and tell his wife.’  Conor says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Guinness. Sean says, ‘Where did you get that, Conor?’

‘Shane’s wife gave it to me’ says Conor.

Sean continues, ‘That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?’

‘Well not exactly,’ Conor said. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Shane’s widow”.

She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’

And then I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Guinness you are.”

Happy St. Patty's Month!!

And so it begins again.  Some new, some old, hopefully some of them make you smile or even laugh out loud!


Paddy, a pick pocket, was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Murphy you are hereby fined $100." His lawyer was his brother Sean who stood up and said "Thanks, yer honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd…..."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Finnegan is sitting at the bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. 

Finnegan says, "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up.  Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn,and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son."

"Well " said the bartender "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened?" 

"Well said Finnegan, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once..."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Sean is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making brute steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as Sean bursts into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life" says Sean. "I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!! But...enough about me, how's your day going?!"


And don't forget about the parade in Winter Park this Sunday.  2:00!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

I hope you have enjoyed the stories that have come from the Emerald Isle. While I try to find some new ones every year, today is the day I share some of my old favorites.


Officer O’Brien came across a crowd of people looking up at a man standing on a ledge.
  “Don’t jump!” emplored O’Brien. “Think of yer children.”
  “I don’t have any children,” replied the man.
  “Then think of yer wife.”
  “I’m not married,” was the reply.
  “Think of yer parents then lad.”
  “I haven’t any parents.”
  “Why then think of St. Patrick!”
  “Who’s St. Patrick?”
  “Jump ya bastard!!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.

"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Same as mine.  Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county.  I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out.  At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read.  One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang.  It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien.  She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no.  Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted.  "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."
Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement.

Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"

"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Day 16 - St. Paddy's Eve

'Murphy, why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?' said Mrs O'Leary
'It's too late,' replied Murphy.
'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous Mrs O'Leary.
'Well, there's no rush then,' smiled Murphy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Shamus said to O'Hara the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'O, bejabbers,' said O'Hara, 'And how did this one end?'
'Hah, when it was over,' Shamus replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really?' cried O'Hara, 'now that's a switch!  What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, Shamus, you little chicken.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kathleen had lunch with 2 of her unmarried friends. Maria is engaged to an Italian race driver, Suzanna one is the mistress to a French painter, and Kathleen has been married to Paddy for 20+ years. They chatted about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went.

Maria:
“The other night when my Rinaldo came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

Suzanna:
Me too! The other night I met Pierre at his studio and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Kathleen:
When Paddy came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet and says 'I think my goldfish is epileptic.'
The vet looks and says 'He looks fine to me.'
The Irishman replies 'Hang on, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet!!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman came to a priest one day and confessed, "Father, I've committed adultery."
The priest is somewhat upset, but he forgives her and tells her not to let it happen again.

Later that week, 6 more people came up to him and confessed the same time. He forgave him all. Within the next month, over 50 people confessed that they committed adultery. The priest was so upset that he announced to the community at mass; "From now on, if anyone of you commit adultery, don't tell me that you did. Instead, tell me something else, like 'I tripped in a pothole.'

So people were always admitting to this priest that they had tripped in a pothole. Eventually, the priest died of old age. A new priest, who knew nothing about the whole pothole thing, replaced the late priest. Whenever people told him that they had tripped in a pothole, he would reply with, "That's quite okay. Just watch your step next time."

One day, the priest decided to take the issue of potholes up with the Town Council.

"Mr. Mayor," he said, "I think we should spend a good deal of money to repair this town's roads; people keep tripping in potholes every day.

"Aye that, heh" laughed the mayor. He got into a historical fit since the priest knew nothing of the true meaning of what his parishioners were confessing.

The priest was not impressed with the reaction of the Mayor and replied, "This is no laughing matter, Mayor. Your wife alone tripped in 6 potholes last week!"

Day 15

Sean was a mild-mannered man who was tired of being hen-pecked by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness. Sean read the book on the bus home. By the time he reached his house, he had finished it. He stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "Bridie, from now on, I want you to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law! I want you to make my favourite boiled beef and cabbage for the meal tonight and when I'm finished with that, I expect my favourite whiskey cake for afters. Then, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with that, do you know who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The undertaker." says she.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.

They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses.
When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness.  Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,  "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Day 13

I don't know whether I should apologize for missing a day, or if you are all please for the respite.  Either way, I hope these put a smile on your face....

Sean received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and even profane. Sean tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and even reading him Scripture, or anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Sean got really fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot just yelled back. Sean shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, Sean threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and stuck him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he might have really hurt the parrot, Sean quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I'm sorry I was rude....I will be better..."

Sean was stunned at the complete change in the bird's attitude! As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man goes into a pub in an isolated part of Ireland. The place is full of regulars, but they make him welcome and he sits down at the bar.

He's been sitting there a little while, and someone says '365', and everybody bursts out laughing. The man is mystified, but says nothing. Anyway, a few minutes later, the same thing happens again: someone says '129', and all the locals start roaring with laughter.

After it's happened a couple more times, the man can't take it any more, and asks the barman what it's all about. 'Oh, it's perfectly simple, really' he said. 'Round here, we don't get to hear any new jokes, and we all know the same ones, so to make life a bit easier, we just numbered them, so that we don't have to keep on telling them over and over again.'

The man can see the point behind this, but it's really quite unnerving to have everybody around him laughing without knowing what's going on. Anyway, in the interests of being polite, he decides to enter into the spirit of things, so he shouts out '621', and the pub descends into uproar as every single person in there starts laughing hysterically and rolling on the floor with tears in their eyes.

Even more mystified, the man turns to the barman again, and says 'Well, what's that joke, then? It seemed to go down pretty well'

The barman wiped the tears from his eyes and says 'Ah, that's because they've not heard that one before.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irish lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Jameson with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

"Well, thank you kindly, sir" says she. As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have another Jameson with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Jameson with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Ah, lad, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold the hard stuff. Holding your water, however, is another matter entirely."

Day 11

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket as he weaved his way through the house that he woke up the wife."By all the saints, what are you doing down there?"she shouted from the bedroom.
"Get yourself up here and don't be waking the neighbours."
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted back.
"Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down.
"I can't" says he, "I've drank it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Jesuit priest decided to visit a small island off the coast of Connemara. The inhabitants numbered no more than a couple of dozen, but the priest threw himself into the Lord's work with a vengeance. Having taken over the bar of the pub for Mass, and having delivered a fire and brimstone sermon, he questioned his small congregation. "How long is it since any of you had your confessions heard?" he asked.
"Well, Father,' answered Brendan, the oldest inhabitant. "It must be three years since the last priest was here."
"Why didn't you make a trip to the mainland?" thundered the priest.
"Well, Father,' said Brendan, "the water between us and the mainland is very rough, and our boat is old and leaky. So you see. if we've only venial sins to confess, it's not worth the bother, and if we've mortal sins, it's not worth the risk!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The choir director stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, for our closing selection,let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy, O'Brien & Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says,
"I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says,
"That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.  After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said.  "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy.  "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

Day 10

Casey was home from overseas with his wife and small daughter. They were going through the customs at the airport and the little girl watched the customs officer as he went through their luggage.
Suddenly she said to the customs man, "Keep going, you're getting warmer!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
  "Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.
  "Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.
  "Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.
The wife, slightly angry now, says,
  "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of
the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out,
  "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"
  The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again,
  "WHERE?!"
  "Over here, on your swing set!" the drunk yells back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."
  The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."
  Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."
  "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said,
  "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"That's a great idea!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get up and get your own blanket."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Young Ryan was staying with his Grandmother, and she was having great difficulty getting him to wash his face every morning.
The Granny said, "When I was your age I used to wash my face three times a day."
Young Ryan said, "Yes, and look at it now."

Day 9

An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave.. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole.. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep..
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site.. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up..

"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..

He got out...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donal Callaghan, a Limerick University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. Donal, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on

The car started moving slowly. Donal looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. Donal, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter Donal saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like Donal, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing Donal Callaghan sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poor Paddy was found dead, lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn.

Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard. Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.

Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!

They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”

They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor lad actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was.

They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

Day 8

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded Galway waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. Before the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said,

"What a beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy Murphy approached Mulligan's Bar when he was suddenly accosted outside by Sister Marie.
"Surely a fine man as yerself, Paddy, is not going in to this den of iniquity?!" the good sister asked, more as an order than a question. "Surely you wouldn't waste yer hard-earned paycheck on the devil's brew when you could be buying food and clothing fer yer family!"
"Now hold on there, sister!" sputtered Murphy. "Surely you won't be condemnin' whiskey without ever tasting some yerself, would ya?"
"Very well then" said Sister Marie, "Just to prove my point, I'll try some. Obviously I can't go into the pub, but you go in and bring it out to me. Just have them place it in a cup rather than a glass, so as to not create a scandal out here."
"Okay sister" said Murphy as he happily breezed on in to Mulligan's.
"I'll have a large whiskey" ordered Murphy to the barman, "and place it in a cup, not a glass!"
The barman shook his head and replied "Don't tell me that nun's outside again"